I really was shocked by these so-called "protests". Totally and completely. The outrageous behaviour of the students at the last one was completely unbelievable.
And to top it all off, I got stuck in the bloody traffic down Embankment!!
They were pushing over Police Horses, smashing windows, burning things and throwing all sorts of rubbish. That's not a protest, its a riot.
The two things that really bothered me however, were these;
1. Spraying graffiti on a statue of Winston Churchill. Disrespectful and now yet another expense for the government as it will have to be cleaned.
2. Taking potshots at Royals. And smashing their car windows!
The Graffiti, yes, just another act of mindless destruction. Not forgivable, but understandable. Attacking the Royal Car, what's the excuse for that? Last time I looked neither Her Majesty The Queen Herself nor any of the rest of the Royal Family had any say whatsoever in what happens to university funding!
The most sickening thing however is that the students responsible, if they're caught, will probably just get a slap on the wrist. For committing a crime which was, and still is, known as High Treason to the Crown.
100 years ago you would have swung for that, not been given a few grand of free money and 3 years excused from work to spend getting merrily pissed.
Solution? Close the Universities. That'll do it! No uni, no uni fees, and therefor nothing to whine about!
As for any future protests, (probably over closed unis...) simply give the police rubber bullets and tear gas and film the whole thing!!
I'd pay to watch that.
Tuesday 14 December 2010
Thursday 9 December 2010
What the IAM Don't Tell You
As previously mentioned, I am a member of the IAM. And I really do rate it in a lot of ways. A lot of younger riders are totally put off by the whole "IAM is all old men on Beemers" image, which is a shame, it's not all of them! Honest! My advice to anyone, would honestly be, try it for yourself and see what you think. So, for anyone interested in the IAM I have written some useful advice from my own experiences of them. And for once, it is sensible consumer advice! Not silly advice about politics and who has or hasn't had botox...
PROs
- This is the obvious one here...it lowers your insurance. And unlike some things *cough cough, Bikesafe, cough cough* it actually does. Surety are the IAM insurers. For a 20-something on a 600-1000cc sportsbike, this is a godsend!
- It's quite fun. If you find a good club, chances are they will take you on some fabulous out of the way roads you never even knew existed!
- It helps keep you alive. Honestly speaking, a lot of the stuff I was taught I already knew. Although a lot of it was other things I simply hadn't thought of yet as a new rider. But there is a huge difference between "already knowing" and "consistently putting into practice". Silly little things like keeping out of the way of side road junctions which you know you need to do, but if you're too busy thinking about whats for dinner, you often forget to do. The opportunity to put that into practice once a month on a sunny sunday for an hour really helps to keep it in the front of your mind.
- They're not all miserable old men. Let's be fair now, a good number of them are... but I promise you it's not all of them! I have met a lot of really nice people through my IAM club. It's also quite nice to know that the person who seems nice in the caff when they suggest a quick blast up to Box Hill, isn't going to turn out to be a total tit when you get out on the road!
- It really helps your confidence, especially if you're on a new bike, it's a great way to get used to it.
- The cornering advice is fab! It's the usual stuff, over to the right on a left hander and vice versa. However it's really useful to get the opportunity to have someone in your ear saying "left a bit, right a bit, you can lean it a touch more etc". Especially someone who isn't a miserable DAS instructor constantly reminding you what the speed limit is and to look in your mirrors sixteen times before you pull away from traffic lights...
CONs
- Some clubs are badly run, human error and all that. Persevere, I tried 3 clubs before finding a decent one at number 4.
- You can encounter a few snobby gits who look down on younger riders, particularly younger riders with cheap first bikes. Ignore. They're probably just having a mid life crisis, or are menopausal. Unfortunately organisations like the IAM tend to also attract their fair share of idiots, don't judge the whole thing based on the pratts.
- Speed Limits. Everyone hates speed limits, fact. Especially silly ones which cater to the stupidest driver. Like 30 limits on massive dual carriageways because one old lady once happened to drive into a tree. In my personal experience with the IAM, it's been either a case of stick to the 30s-50s and do what you like in the nationals. Or it's simply keep up with the traffic flow and drive at whatever speed you like as long as you're not driving like a tit. It seems to be pretty much down to the person you go out with. Although more often than not, I have heard the national sign, or the "magic sign" referred to as the "GLF" sign... I shall leave you to google that one for what it stands for!!
So to summarise, do it! It's so worth it, and once you've paid, that's it, there are no ongoing costs other than your petrol, or your individual IAM bike club membership if you chose it. I honestly believe it's kept me alive all this time. Yes, you probably will encounter a few pratts, but try a couple of different clubs before signing up. The "tester days" to try a new club are all free. Definitely do not be put off by the age gaps, if you join a big enough, good enough group, there will be an enormous range of people there.
I really hope I don't get sued....
Find out the official stuff here. And don't buy it online, my club charged me 70 quid, not £139.
PROs
- This is the obvious one here...it lowers your insurance. And unlike some things *cough cough, Bikesafe, cough cough* it actually does. Surety are the IAM insurers. For a 20-something on a 600-1000cc sportsbike, this is a godsend!
- It's quite fun. If you find a good club, chances are they will take you on some fabulous out of the way roads you never even knew existed!
- It helps keep you alive. Honestly speaking, a lot of the stuff I was taught I already knew. Although a lot of it was other things I simply hadn't thought of yet as a new rider. But there is a huge difference between "already knowing" and "consistently putting into practice". Silly little things like keeping out of the way of side road junctions which you know you need to do, but if you're too busy thinking about whats for dinner, you often forget to do. The opportunity to put that into practice once a month on a sunny sunday for an hour really helps to keep it in the front of your mind.
- They're not all miserable old men. Let's be fair now, a good number of them are... but I promise you it's not all of them! I have met a lot of really nice people through my IAM club. It's also quite nice to know that the person who seems nice in the caff when they suggest a quick blast up to Box Hill, isn't going to turn out to be a total tit when you get out on the road!
- It really helps your confidence, especially if you're on a new bike, it's a great way to get used to it.
- The cornering advice is fab! It's the usual stuff, over to the right on a left hander and vice versa. However it's really useful to get the opportunity to have someone in your ear saying "left a bit, right a bit, you can lean it a touch more etc". Especially someone who isn't a miserable DAS instructor constantly reminding you what the speed limit is and to look in your mirrors sixteen times before you pull away from traffic lights...
CONs
- Some clubs are badly run, human error and all that. Persevere, I tried 3 clubs before finding a decent one at number 4.
- You can encounter a few snobby gits who look down on younger riders, particularly younger riders with cheap first bikes. Ignore. They're probably just having a mid life crisis, or are menopausal. Unfortunately organisations like the IAM tend to also attract their fair share of idiots, don't judge the whole thing based on the pratts.
- Speed Limits. Everyone hates speed limits, fact. Especially silly ones which cater to the stupidest driver. Like 30 limits on massive dual carriageways because one old lady once happened to drive into a tree. In my personal experience with the IAM, it's been either a case of stick to the 30s-50s and do what you like in the nationals. Or it's simply keep up with the traffic flow and drive at whatever speed you like as long as you're not driving like a tit. It seems to be pretty much down to the person you go out with. Although more often than not, I have heard the national sign, or the "magic sign" referred to as the "GLF" sign... I shall leave you to google that one for what it stands for!!
So to summarise, do it! It's so worth it, and once you've paid, that's it, there are no ongoing costs other than your petrol, or your individual IAM bike club membership if you chose it. I honestly believe it's kept me alive all this time. Yes, you probably will encounter a few pratts, but try a couple of different clubs before signing up. The "tester days" to try a new club are all free. Definitely do not be put off by the age gaps, if you join a big enough, good enough group, there will be an enormous range of people there.
I really hope I don't get sued....
Find out the official stuff here. And don't buy it online, my club charged me 70 quid, not £139.
Friday 3 December 2010
Driving a Car in the Snow
Well, it's come to that time of year again, the time of year when us Motorcyclists tuck our bikes up in the garage and spend the next two weeks ringing round all our mates with cars to cadge lifts...
And all because of some slippery bloody white stuff all over the road.
Well, this year, for the first time, for me it has been different. I have a motorcar. (see "The Most Dangerous Thing in the World")
Whilst this is brilliant, because cars have an extra couple of wheels so therefor won't fall over on the first bit of ice they see, it has also posed a few problems. Motorcycling advice for riding in the snow is pretty straightforward. Don't. Just don't. Car driving advice? A minefield full of nonsense it seems!
Personally, being a rubbish car driver anyway, I was a little nervous, to say the least, about driving in this slippery stuff for the first time. So I did the sensible thing before I went out and looked up the IAM's car driving advice for snowy conditions. I will share it with you at the end of this post. It's all pretty obvious stuff, but it's always the obvious stuff we forget! So it's worth having a read just to get it fresh in your head if you do drive a car. Or if, like me, you Just Don't Do Cars, then definitely read it!
So, all went well, I survived! However on this first outing in the snow, I encountered a car park. And I had a friend with me who offered to talk me through a controlled skid in a car, you know, just so I can get the hang of it and I know what to do if I get caught out...
...The result of this is that I can now do a handbrake turn!!
6th January 2009
Just a Tip: I don't recommend handbrake turns by the way! It's fun, but only until things go tits up. That said, experiencing the car losing grip in a nice big empty car park and learning how to regain control again was quite helpful, and should serve me well if anything goes wrong out on the road. It's all well and good knowing the theory, but it's nice to have a controlled opportunity to put it into practice. Although if you don't happen to have a nice big empty car park and someone to teach you how to do it, please try a skidpan instead!
And all because of some slippery bloody white stuff all over the road.
Well, this year, for the first time, for me it has been different. I have a motorcar. (see "The Most Dangerous Thing in the World")
Whilst this is brilliant, because cars have an extra couple of wheels so therefor won't fall over on the first bit of ice they see, it has also posed a few problems. Motorcycling advice for riding in the snow is pretty straightforward. Don't. Just don't. Car driving advice? A minefield full of nonsense it seems!
Personally, being a rubbish car driver anyway, I was a little nervous, to say the least, about driving in this slippery stuff for the first time. So I did the sensible thing before I went out and looked up the IAM's car driving advice for snowy conditions. I will share it with you at the end of this post. It's all pretty obvious stuff, but it's always the obvious stuff we forget! So it's worth having a read just to get it fresh in your head if you do drive a car. Or if, like me, you Just Don't Do Cars, then definitely read it!
So, all went well, I survived! However on this first outing in the snow, I encountered a car park. And I had a friend with me who offered to talk me through a controlled skid in a car, you know, just so I can get the hang of it and I know what to do if I get caught out...
...The result of this is that I can now do a handbrake turn!!
6th January 2009
Winter weather driving advice from the IAM
With snow and ice affecting many parts of the country the IAM (Institute of Advanced Motorists) has issued advice for safe winter driving.
Before you set off:
- Check the weather in advance – don’t ignore police warnings about closed roads or advice to not travel on specific routes.
- Can you work remotely or re-schedule your travel to avoid the worst of the weather? Not everyone can, but the more people who are able to avoid travelling in poor weather, the better the journey is likely to be for those who have to move about. Considering other forms of transport can also work for some people in some places.
Once you’re on the move:
- When driving in snow, get your speed right - not too fast so that you risk losing control, but not so slow that you risk losing momentum when you need it – and brake, steer and accelerate as smoothly as possible.
- Start gently from stationary, avoiding high revs. If you get yourself into a skid the main thing to remember is to take your foot off the pedals and steer.
- Only use the brake if you cannot steer out of trouble.
- It’s better to think ahead as you drive to keep moving, even if it is at walking pace.
- Double or even triple your normal stopping distance from the vehicle in front. Drive so that you don’t rely on your brakes to be able to stop – on an icy surface they simply may not do that for you!
- If your vehicle has ABS in very slippery conditions it will not give you the same control it would in others. Don’t rely on it. Traction control and other electronic systems (ESC) can really help – but they cannot overcome the laws of physics, so don’t rely on them, use common sense
- Plan your journey around busier roads as they are more likely to have been gritted. Avoid using short cuts on minor roads – they are less likely to be cleared or treated with salt, especially country lanes.
- On motorways stay in the clearest lane where possible, away from slush and ice. Keep within the clear tyre tracks if you can.
- Stay in a higher gear for better control, and if it is slippery, in a manual car move off in a higher gear, rather than just using first.
- Bends are a particular problem in slippery conditions – slow down before you get to the bend, so that by the time you turn the steering wheel you have already lost enough speed
- On a downhill slope get your speed low before you start the descent, and do not let it build up – it is much easier to keep it low than to try and slow down once things get slippery
- In falling snow use dipped headlights or foglights to make yourself visible to others (especially pedestrians) – but as conditions improve make sure your foglights are only on if necessary as they can dazzle other drivers
- If you are following another vehicle at night, using their lights to see ahead can cause you to drive dangerously close – keep well back from other traffic.
- Having windscreen wipers working for a lengthy time with snow falling can be mesmeric and quite a strain – be prepared to stop and give your eyes a rest, but choose the right place to do it!
Things to look out for:
- Trucks can have large amounts of snow or ice on top that must come off sometime – be prepared for it to blow off on to your windscreen.
- Black ice forms in shaded spots and areas exposed to cold winds. Bridges are particularly prone to ice over first and thaw last
- Approaches to junctions are usually more slippery, where the surface has been warn smooth by drivers constantly braking and trying to accelerate away.
- Fresh snow can have frozen ice underneath it. If it has fallen on dry clear ground the fresh, virgin snow will have a little more grip than where it has been compacted by other traffic. If it has fallen on top of old snow be aware that you may actually be driving on wet ice.
- As snow or ice melt they can leave a very slippery layer – slush is slippery stuff!
Preparation:
- Allow extra time to prepare your car for the journey.
- Always clear your windows, lights and mirrors. Don’t forget that snow on the bonnet can blow onto your windscreen, so clear that off, and clear the roof to avoid snow being blown back onto traffic following you before you start your journey.
- Make sure you have an emergency kit so you are prepared in the event of a breakdown. This should include a torch, food for energy, water and a blanket. For snow you also need a shovel with you. On longer journeys always let someone know you have set off and tell them your planned route.
- Ensure your mobile is charged up so you can make a call in an emergency – but don’t use it when driving!
- Do a proper winter check of your vehicle, looking at washer fluid, de-icer/scraper and tyres.
- If you leave the car engine running to help de-ice windows before you start the journey, make sure that there is someone with the car – a cold thief may see a warm opportunity, and some insurers may not pay out in those circumstances
Emergencies:
- Keep track of where you are. If you need to call for assistance, you need to be able to tell the breakdown or emergency services your location, so they can find you
- If you must leave your vehicle to telephone for assistance, find a safe place to stand away from the traffic flow. If you have just lost control the next driver can do the same in the same place.
- On Motorways and dual carriageways it is usually better to leave your vehicle and stand a short distance behind and to the safe side of it. Don’t stand in front of it if at all possible. Balancing the risks of the car being crashed into and hypothermia is something that depends on your situation
Just a Tip: I don't recommend handbrake turns by the way! It's fun, but only until things go tits up. That said, experiencing the car losing grip in a nice big empty car park and learning how to regain control again was quite helpful, and should serve me well if anything goes wrong out on the road. It's all well and good knowing the theory, but it's nice to have a controlled opportunity to put it into practice. Although if you don't happen to have a nice big empty car park and someone to teach you how to do it, please try a skidpan instead!
Thursday 25 November 2010
The Student Protests
Brace yourselves...I of course have something controversial to say, and it will probably offend a high number of people.
But of course, that's life!
Well, I do have a point of view to offer on the student protests, but before I get onto that, let's get right back to the basics. What's the point of further education? What's uni actually for?
Well, the answer depends on what you're studying. If you're studying, for example, Law, the chances are you're doing so with the aim or becoming a lawyer. One of the Sciences? Maybe going into research. Or maybe you want to teach? For which you can study just about any subject you like and then teach it. And of course the teaching qualification itself can be achieved on the job, once you've got the initial degree in the subject. (Just a side note, I think that is a fabulous idea by the way, and will make for much better teachers. They'll also get experience and have people on hand to offer advice who have been doing the job for ages. As we all know, good teachers make the world of difference to children and seem to be quite a rare breed!)
So university is a means to an end, its a way of gaining the qualifications you need to work in your chosen field. Bottom line, you go to uni to get a job. Or maybe you're lucky enough to have been blessed with a rich daddy? In which case you go to uni for the hell of it because daddy's paying up front for the whole thing. This makes you a jammy git. But a fortunate jammy git nonetheless.
So you're either studying because you can afford to do so, or because once you've become qualified you'll be able to afford to do so, and will pay it back.
Of course there's the other school of thought, the one I totally disagree with. You're at uni because you don't know what else to do. You're "not sure what you want to do with your life". Or as I like to look at it, because it's a free ride and you don't yet fancy getting a real job.
Jog on mate! Welcome to the real world! Universities are not for getting a degree in alcohol consumption!
University is wonderful if you use it, it's simply a surefire way of contracting a huge debt if you abuse it.
So personally, I don't think these students have a leg to stand on, the genuine ones and the freeloaders included. There's no such thing as a free lunch guys. The Labour government might have liked for us to all think so, but the Labour government clearly made a cock up of that one. If the moneys not there its not there, there's not a lot anyone can do about that. Things have got to go, and subsidised uni fees is a great place to start.
University is a choice. It's not compulsory. There are other options out there. If you have your heart set on a profession like medicine for example, then yes, go to uni and best of luck to you. But accept the fact that you chose to do so, and will therefore have to pay for it.
If you don't have a profession in mind at all, how about doing things the old fashioned way? Start at the bottom and work your way up. As an employer (albeit a very small one!) I know that employers in most industries prefer experience over qualifications. (Not in all cases, but as a general rule it rings true) Even having spent the last few years working on the tills at Tesco will result in an improved chance of getting a better job than some degrees will! And working on the tills in Tesco doesn't result in thousands of pounds of debt...
There is also one crucial point that a lots of these protesters seemed to have missed however. They government have also upped the earning threshold for repayment of student loans. You now need to be earning a lot more before you even need to start paying your student loan back. So the scroungers who appear to be whining the loudest will be the last to be affected anyway! Do your homework guys...
Just incase you're wondering, no, I didn't go to uni. I don't even have a-levels. I got my childhood education at school same as everyone else, but I got the rest of my education myself, in my spare time. I intend to further that with an open university degree in something I enjoy like Classics one day when I can afford to do so, just for fun! But I have been working since the age of 15 and in my early 20s I can now boast my own house, a business I run, an 8 grand bike and a car. And no tens of thousands of pounds of debts.
There are other options, and honestly, they're not that bad. I have plenty of friends in very similar situations to me who managed wonderfully without uni too.
Except the Best Friend, who is managing wonderfully at uni, studying to become a teacher, and will probably ring me up to give me an enormous bollocking when she reads this...
But of course, that's life!
Well, I do have a point of view to offer on the student protests, but before I get onto that, let's get right back to the basics. What's the point of further education? What's uni actually for?
Well, the answer depends on what you're studying. If you're studying, for example, Law, the chances are you're doing so with the aim or becoming a lawyer. One of the Sciences? Maybe going into research. Or maybe you want to teach? For which you can study just about any subject you like and then teach it. And of course the teaching qualification itself can be achieved on the job, once you've got the initial degree in the subject. (Just a side note, I think that is a fabulous idea by the way, and will make for much better teachers. They'll also get experience and have people on hand to offer advice who have been doing the job for ages. As we all know, good teachers make the world of difference to children and seem to be quite a rare breed!)
So university is a means to an end, its a way of gaining the qualifications you need to work in your chosen field. Bottom line, you go to uni to get a job. Or maybe you're lucky enough to have been blessed with a rich daddy? In which case you go to uni for the hell of it because daddy's paying up front for the whole thing. This makes you a jammy git. But a fortunate jammy git nonetheless.
So you're either studying because you can afford to do so, or because once you've become qualified you'll be able to afford to do so, and will pay it back.
Of course there's the other school of thought, the one I totally disagree with. You're at uni because you don't know what else to do. You're "not sure what you want to do with your life". Or as I like to look at it, because it's a free ride and you don't yet fancy getting a real job.
Jog on mate! Welcome to the real world! Universities are not for getting a degree in alcohol consumption!
University is wonderful if you use it, it's simply a surefire way of contracting a huge debt if you abuse it.
So personally, I don't think these students have a leg to stand on, the genuine ones and the freeloaders included. There's no such thing as a free lunch guys. The Labour government might have liked for us to all think so, but the Labour government clearly made a cock up of that one. If the moneys not there its not there, there's not a lot anyone can do about that. Things have got to go, and subsidised uni fees is a great place to start.
University is a choice. It's not compulsory. There are other options out there. If you have your heart set on a profession like medicine for example, then yes, go to uni and best of luck to you. But accept the fact that you chose to do so, and will therefore have to pay for it.
If you don't have a profession in mind at all, how about doing things the old fashioned way? Start at the bottom and work your way up. As an employer (albeit a very small one!) I know that employers in most industries prefer experience over qualifications. (Not in all cases, but as a general rule it rings true) Even having spent the last few years working on the tills at Tesco will result in an improved chance of getting a better job than some degrees will! And working on the tills in Tesco doesn't result in thousands of pounds of debt...
There is also one crucial point that a lots of these protesters seemed to have missed however. They government have also upped the earning threshold for repayment of student loans. You now need to be earning a lot more before you even need to start paying your student loan back. So the scroungers who appear to be whining the loudest will be the last to be affected anyway! Do your homework guys...
Just incase you're wondering, no, I didn't go to uni. I don't even have a-levels. I got my childhood education at school same as everyone else, but I got the rest of my education myself, in my spare time. I intend to further that with an open university degree in something I enjoy like Classics one day when I can afford to do so, just for fun! But I have been working since the age of 15 and in my early 20s I can now boast my own house, a business I run, an 8 grand bike and a car. And no tens of thousands of pounds of debts.
There are other options, and honestly, they're not that bad. I have plenty of friends in very similar situations to me who managed wonderfully without uni too.
Except the Best Friend, who is managing wonderfully at uni, studying to become a teacher, and will probably ring me up to give me an enormous bollocking when she reads this...
Sunday 21 November 2010
Email Subscriptions
Another new blogging gadget!
Have added an email subscription option.
If, like me, RSS and Atom feeds and feed-reading thingumys make very little sense and you would like receive posts the old-fashioned way, you now can! To get a nice simple un-confusing email containing new posts, just click the link over on the right hand side under the photo and pop in your email address!
For those of you currently on the old email subscription list, you will shortly recieve an activation email. I promise it's not junk, and it will not result in emails attempting to sell you insurance, or double glazing or anything silly! It's just me. Click the link in it and you will be switched over to the new email subscriptions. To be honest, it won't actually change anything for you...it will just save me some work! :)
Have added an email subscription option.
If, like me, RSS and Atom feeds and feed-reading thingumys make very little sense and you would like receive posts the old-fashioned way, you now can! To get a nice simple un-confusing email containing new posts, just click the link over on the right hand side under the photo and pop in your email address!
For those of you currently on the old email subscription list, you will shortly recieve an activation email. I promise it's not junk, and it will not result in emails attempting to sell you insurance, or double glazing or anything silly! It's just me. Click the link in it and you will be switched over to the new email subscriptions. To be honest, it won't actually change anything for you...it will just save me some work! :)
Saturday 20 November 2010
The 2011 ZX10R...which is actually a BMW
Well I've seen the official promo video for the new Ninja now (youtube it here) and I'm not too impressed...
So I'm happily watching the vid, which starts off well enough. The headlights are pretty for one, which is obviously very important!! All looks good so far, colour schemes not quite as dreadful as the 2010 600 (here), which is a bonus. The voiceover is happily chattering away about it being an advanced track tool, being very fast, good suspension, new frame, yada yada yada, Then the bombshell drops; new traction control system.
Traction control?? On a motorcycle? Recipe for disaster. Anything which takes control away from the rider and gives it to a computer can't be good. Trust me. I have a laptop. And it came with Windows XP. I have lost count of the amount of times it has frozen and decided it doesn't fancy working for half an hour or so!! Now imagine that happening whilst sitting on top of a 186mph internal combustion engine with two wheels...
Now, they do redeem themselves slightly when they mention the power increase to 200bhp, however all hope is once again shattered by three little letters.
A.B.S.
Anti-Lock Braking System. That clever little gadget capable of turning your brakes off just when you need them most. Because the computer, which obviously knows better, thinks you're just about to enter a skid. Well, let me tell you now, (and I speak from experience here) a controlled skid is a damn sight better than smashing into the car who's just pulled out in front of you!!
And the icing on the cake? Three "Power Modes". I'm sure there are some hi-tech names for them, but I shall make life easier and refer to them as "Normal", "Pussy" and "Total Pussy". Pointless little gadget! Why buy a 1000cc Sportsbike and then push a button to turn it into a 250cc runaround?? I'm sure Kawasaki have some clever marketing jargon about "Total Pussy" mode being for riding in the rain, or something similar. Nonsense! If you're considering buying a 1000cc Sportsbike, chances are you've got the common sense to show a little right hand restraint and ride it carefully if its raining! Because if you haven't, pussy mode or no pussy mode, you're not going to stay upright on it very long...
So, my consumer advice regarding the 2011 ZX10R would be; buy a BMW. Then paint it green. Beemer have been strapping those silly gadgets to their bikes for ages, so may well have got the hang of making them almost work by now.
Alternatively, buy a proper bike. Like the 2009 ZX6R. Not a computer with wheels!!
Saturday 13 November 2010
My Dream about a ZX10 was a Sign!!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some breathtaking news...
My insurance company are gods. They have agreed to insure me on a ZX10 for an shockingly reasonable price...
Therefore I shall toddle on down to my local kwaka dealer and take a test drive!!
Due to me being vertically challenged and this bike being taller than my previous one, (which was a bit too tall for me anyway) I would advise all drivers in the London area to refrain from leaving their houses and to stay off the road next thursday...!!
Oohh!! So excited!! :)
I really hope I like the bike itself...because I love the new colour scheme...
My insurance company are gods. They have agreed to insure me on a ZX10 for an shockingly reasonable price...
Therefore I shall toddle on down to my local kwaka dealer and take a test drive!!
Due to me being vertically challenged and this bike being taller than my previous one, (which was a bit too tall for me anyway) I would advise all drivers in the London area to refrain from leaving their houses and to stay off the road next thursday...!!
Oohh!! So excited!! :)
I really hope I like the bike itself...because I love the new colour scheme...
Thursday 11 November 2010
Time for a Rant...about Burning Poppies
Burning Poppies?? Burning Bloody Poppies??? What are they trying to do? Get themselves stabbed by skinheads??
Bloody Idiots.
Apparently a group of 10-50 (the papers can't agree, I'm guessing 20 or so) Islam4Uk pillocks thought burning a poppy or two during the two minutes silence would be a great way to stop the war in Afganistan. Yeah, okay then, because that's what it's going to take to stop the war. Not, ooh I don't know, negotiation and democracy. Nope, that won't work. Burning a poppy or two will definatly do it. Of course, Mr C is going to take one look at your flaming poppy and say "Oh gosh! This is serious, we better bring our troops home!" Yep, 'course he is! Bloody Idiots.
Fab bit of advertising for the rest of Islam too, isn't it? "Hey guys! Support our religion! We hate you and refuse to respect the 2 minutes silence!" Yep, brilliant.
So, what have these few complete twats actually achieved?
> The vast majority of actual Muslims will take the fall for this. There's bound to be more Racism as a result.
> The BNP will have a field day. They may even burn a few teddy bears called Mohammed. That's going to make for great race relations now isn't it??
> These idiots will probably get themselves hunted down, and murdered by skinheads. And then The Sun really will have something to get righteously indignant about!
Lock 'em up under the terrorism act, for goodness sake, either lock 'em up or ship them off to help with the war they're so concerned about, let them have their protests over there.
ENGLAND ISN'T INTERESTED IN YOUR EXTREMISM.
Honest, it really isn't. For goodness sake, take it elsewhere. Or better still, get over it!
Poppy Day is about the end of WW1, it is not, nor has it ever been, about Religion.
That's like advertising Life Insurance in Graveyards.
Completely Inappropriate.
Rant over. Thank you for listening!!
Bloody Idiots.
Apparently a group of 10-50 (the papers can't agree, I'm guessing 20 or so) Islam4Uk pillocks thought burning a poppy or two during the two minutes silence would be a great way to stop the war in Afganistan. Yeah, okay then, because that's what it's going to take to stop the war. Not, ooh I don't know, negotiation and democracy. Nope, that won't work. Burning a poppy or two will definatly do it. Of course, Mr C is going to take one look at your flaming poppy and say "Oh gosh! This is serious, we better bring our troops home!" Yep, 'course he is! Bloody Idiots.Fab bit of advertising for the rest of Islam too, isn't it? "Hey guys! Support our religion! We hate you and refuse to respect the 2 minutes silence!" Yep, brilliant.
So, what have these few complete twats actually achieved?
> The vast majority of actual Muslims will take the fall for this. There's bound to be more Racism as a result.
> The BNP will have a field day. They may even burn a few teddy bears called Mohammed. That's going to make for great race relations now isn't it??
> These idiots will probably get themselves hunted down, and murdered by skinheads. And then The Sun really will have something to get righteously indignant about!
Lock 'em up under the terrorism act, for goodness sake, either lock 'em up or ship them off to help with the war they're so concerned about, let them have their protests over there.
ENGLAND ISN'T INTERESTED IN YOUR EXTREMISM.
Honest, it really isn't. For goodness sake, take it elsewhere. Or better still, get over it!
Poppy Day is about the end of WW1, it is not, nor has it ever been, about Religion.
That's like advertising Life Insurance in Graveyards.
Completely Inappropriate.
Rant over. Thank you for listening!!
The Most Dangerous Thing in the World
So what do you suppose is the most Dangerous and Frightening thing in the whole world?
This Mosquito?
She is an Anopheles Albimanus Mosquito, otherwise known to you and I as the little bugger who carries Malaria.
This Snake?
The Dendroaspis Polylepis, otherwise known as the Black Mamba. If you've seen Kill Bill, you'll recognise it. If you haven't, this is the snake with one of the fastest acting known Venoms.
This Racetrack?
Yep, that would be the Nurburgring. Supposedly the most dangerous race track in Europe. I couldn't find any stats, funnily enough the Ring owners don't like them being published... But there is at least one crash there a day. *
Nope, the most Dangerous and Frightening thing in the world is...
...This little bastard!!
*Side note about the Ring;
To be fair, I found the track itself really isn't that bad. The surface is not as bumpy as everyone says, it's better than the majority of British roads!! But I did go there on a private day (my bike club only), not a public day, so I'm not the best judge. On a public day, I'm guessing the main danger is the other numptys on it. Click this link for some useful advice if you fancy taking a trip there yourself. This guy's done 51 trips to the ring, so he's a little more qualified to talk about it than I am having only been once.
This Mosquito?She is an Anopheles Albimanus Mosquito, otherwise known to you and I as the little bugger who carries Malaria.
This Snake?The Dendroaspis Polylepis, otherwise known as the Black Mamba. If you've seen Kill Bill, you'll recognise it. If you haven't, this is the snake with one of the fastest acting known Venoms.
This Racetrack?Yep, that would be the Nurburgring. Supposedly the most dangerous race track in Europe. I couldn't find any stats, funnily enough the Ring owners don't like them being published... But there is at least one crash there a day. *
Nope, the most Dangerous and Frightening thing in the world is...
...This little bastard!!Yes, that would be a ten year old Ford Ka. And when it is doing 115mph downhill on a dual carriageway, in the rain, on budget tyres, with dodgy tracking, overtaking a lorry, and the steering goes light; that, my friends, is The Most Dangerous Thing in the World!!
Lesson Learnt.
God I need my bike back!!
Lesson Learnt.
God I need my bike back!!
*Side note about the Ring;
To be fair, I found the track itself really isn't that bad. The surface is not as bumpy as everyone says, it's better than the majority of British roads!! But I did go there on a private day (my bike club only), not a public day, so I'm not the best judge. On a public day, I'm guessing the main danger is the other numptys on it. Click this link for some useful advice if you fancy taking a trip there yourself. This guy's done 51 trips to the ring, so he's a little more qualified to talk about it than I am having only been once.
Wednesday 10 November 2010
My Theory was on QI!!
Well, I say "My Theory", but that's not strictly true...
It's the "Cat and Toast" theory. Which I personally think is completely fabulous! I was told it when I was quite little, and it's one of those things which has stuck with me.
The "Cat and Toast" Theory
As everyone knows, should you accidentally drop a slice of buttered toast, it will land butter side down. This is due to Murphy's 4th law of Physics, colloquially known as Sod's Law.
Also, should you push a cat off a kitchen work surface, it will land on it's feet. Because cats do that, as everyone knows, they always land on their feet.
So, should you strap a piece of toast, butter side up, to the back of a cat and then push it off a work surface, theoretically the opposing forces should cause the cat to hover in mid air just above the floor.
Condensing this slightly, it should also be theoretically possible to simply butter the back of the cat itself and push it off the work surface, again resulting in a hovering cat...
Tuesday 9 November 2010
Moll Flanders
...and why you should read it.
It's set in the 1600s, however the language is not too 1600s-y, it's still nice and accessible to the modern reader, so don't let that put you off.
The story itself is fabulous! Moll is an orphan, born in Newgate Prison. She is first taken in to a respectable family as an act of charity, where she gains a very good education and finally marries one of the sons. (After she's been mistress to the other son for some time.)
The rest of the story very colourfully describes how Moll survives as a woman alone in London after the death of this first husband. She marries for money, becomes a mistress several times, does a bit of pick-pocketing, shoplifts, works as a con-artist and many other things!
I don't want to spoil the story, but needless to say, Moll eventually ends up back in Newgate, as a prisoner this time, when she is finally caught.
My little penguin copy says on the back;
"Five times married, a whore and a thief, her business is survival - and survive she does, both a prisoner and a manipulator of her circumstances, whose timely spiritual regeneration in prison, she tells us, is the best part of the story."
Trust me, read it, it's fab! Think Oliver Twist meets Joanna Trollope.
Download it free from Project Gutenberg here.
(You can also read it online, it's out of copywrite hence why you can get it for free!)
It's set in the 1600s, however the language is not too 1600s-y, it's still nice and accessible to the modern reader, so don't let that put you off.
The story itself is fabulous! Moll is an orphan, born in Newgate Prison. She is first taken in to a respectable family as an act of charity, where she gains a very good education and finally marries one of the sons. (After she's been mistress to the other son for some time.)
The rest of the story very colourfully describes how Moll survives as a woman alone in London after the death of this first husband. She marries for money, becomes a mistress several times, does a bit of pick-pocketing, shoplifts, works as a con-artist and many other things!
I don't want to spoil the story, but needless to say, Moll eventually ends up back in Newgate, as a prisoner this time, when she is finally caught.
My little penguin copy says on the back;
"Five times married, a whore and a thief, her business is survival - and survive she does, both a prisoner and a manipulator of her circumstances, whose timely spiritual regeneration in prison, she tells us, is the best part of the story."
Trust me, read it, it's fab! Think Oliver Twist meets Joanna Trollope.
Download it free from Project Gutenberg here.
(You can also read it online, it's out of copywrite hence why you can get it for free!)
"I Have a Dream"
Well, actually, I had one. Last night. And it was fabulous!
I dreamt that I had bought a concourse MG Roadster for £500!! (The proper wire-wheeled 60's one, not the naff post 70's one with the horrible rubber bumpers)
Then, just as I was walking back round to my house after parking my shiny new roadster, I saw a 2010 Ninja, a ZX10, with the keys in it. It had be left for me as a present from the bike theives who took mine!
If only dreams could come true...
I dreamt that I had bought a concourse MG Roadster for £500!! (The proper wire-wheeled 60's one, not the naff post 70's one with the horrible rubber bumpers)
Then, just as I was walking back round to my house after parking my shiny new roadster, I saw a 2010 Ninja, a ZX10, with the keys in it. It had be left for me as a present from the bike theives who took mine!
If only dreams could come true...
Monday 8 November 2010
The Manifesto
Just realised the previous post (Christie's Cut-Out-And-Keep Guide to Who to Vote For in General Elections) refers to "The Manifesto", so for continuity, thought I'd better dig it up from the depths of my laptop and post my manifesto...
If I were Dictator....
1. Old people would not be allowed to drive on a sunday, no more sunday drivers!!
2. There would be a nationwide minimum speed limit of 60mph, and we would finally put the gatsos to good use catching dangerous people who "slow".
3. Caravans would be illegal.
4. Lorries would not be allowed to drive during hours of daylight. (Can't ban them altogether, they supply tescos, where I shop.)
5. My foreign policy would be amazing. No speak-a de lingo, no bloody coming in. (That's foreign for "speak the language" you know....)
6. Motorcycle licenses would be mandatory.
7. The restricted motorcycle licence would be illegal, no more restrictions thankyou very much!!
8. The NHS would only be free if you were accidently injured/ill. If you got pissed and got in a fight, or you're a chav, you'd have to pay for treatment!
9. My education policy would be fabulous. No more teaching kids pointless crap. The curriculum would consist of usefull stuff, like maths, english, how to change a tyre, engineering, design (not fashion, that's pointless) and for boys, how to use a bloody washing machine!! etc etc. No more cookery lessons, it's down to the parents to teach kids to cook!
10. Fashion would be illegal if it's ridiculous. See through ponchos? Whats the point?
11. Shops would not be allowed to open on a sunday. Anywhere. Or on Christmas day. The penalty would be death.
12. The prison system would get a complete overhall! No more "life" sentances that last 10 years! That's not life, its 10 years, it should be called a 10 year sentance. The punishment will now fit the crime. So thieves, you'll get the hand(s) you stole with chopped off, rapists, paedos etc, you're looking to lose a lot, hands, bits, eyes and a tatoo that says "pervert" on your forehead for good measure. Oooh, pluss the death sentance. Benefit fraud? You're looking at an unpaid community service as a sewer cleaner, every £1 you steal will cost you one day down there with your toothbrush :).
13. Over crowded prisons? Not a problem. Welcome back death row, goodbye locked up murderers.
14. Unemployment. Those unemployed and with no good reason to be unemployed, (disabled, ill, single mum, etc are exempt from this of course, they have a good reason) you can either get a job, or my government will give you a job, as a sewer cleaner, on £3 an hour. Mandatory.
15. The Spice Girls will not be permitted to have any more reunions.
16. Iron Maiden will be part of music lessons in schools.
17. Global Warming will be a legal requirement. Hotter summers? Colder winters? So you mean less rain, more bikinis and actual real life snow? The kind you can ski on? Yes please!
18. Roadworks will take a maximum of 24 hours to complete, or all workers will be shot and fed to the lions at london zoo. Can't do it in 24 hours? Get more staff!!!
19. Police will actually do more of the job they're paid to do. There are no more "dangerous" "speeding" motorists to catch, and the gatsos will take care of inconsiderate, dangerous drivers who "slow". So the good Old Bill can spend their time nicking real criminals, murderers, fraudsters, and motorcycle thieves.* 45mins to turn up to a motorcycle theft?? From the local station? Which is 10 mins from my house??? What did you all do? Push the bloody meatwagon!!!
20. No more police getting penalised for how they drive, (which means thay can drive faster) it's called rapid response driving and the idea is to be rapid. They're well trained, leave them alone. That way thay might actually catch some bike thieves!
21. The penalty for stealing a motorcycle will be death.
22. God I'm on a roll!
23. If the police accidently shoot a running man with a rucksack instead of a terrorist, tough. Occupational hazard. All terrorists MUST be shot on sight, and no, you're not getting 72 bloody virgins! You gullable fools!!
24. The London Tube will be 24 hour and WILL run on time, or the drivers (or whoever happens to be responsible) will be fired.
25. Bikes will be able to use bus lanes.
26. All london taxi drivers (Species: Blackus Cabbus) will undergo an eye test!!!
27. Anyone, anywhere who works for health and safety will be fired.
28. The Sun newspaper will be illegal
29. All other newspapers must refer to me as: "The new Maggie Thatcher, only not as ugly"
30. When the national anthem is played, everyone WILL sing along and WILL know ALL the words because God Save the Queen will be part of my new curriculum, and all those who do not know it will be required to learn it! The penalty for not knowing God Save the Queen is learning the words to, and singing, something by the spice girls.
And I'm done. Vote for me, it will be amazing.
* Yes, I have had a bike stolen before, but fortunately we caught the little buggers and got it back!!
(By the way, let's not take this seriously now, the chances of me getting in to government are on par with the chances of Her Majesty the Queen taking pole dancing lessons...)
If I were Dictator....
1. Old people would not be allowed to drive on a sunday, no more sunday drivers!!
2. There would be a nationwide minimum speed limit of 60mph, and we would finally put the gatsos to good use catching dangerous people who "slow".
3. Caravans would be illegal.
4. Lorries would not be allowed to drive during hours of daylight. (Can't ban them altogether, they supply tescos, where I shop.)
5. My foreign policy would be amazing. No speak-a de lingo, no bloody coming in. (That's foreign for "speak the language" you know....)
6. Motorcycle licenses would be mandatory.
7. The restricted motorcycle licence would be illegal, no more restrictions thankyou very much!!
8. The NHS would only be free if you were accidently injured/ill. If you got pissed and got in a fight, or you're a chav, you'd have to pay for treatment!
9. My education policy would be fabulous. No more teaching kids pointless crap. The curriculum would consist of usefull stuff, like maths, english, how to change a tyre, engineering, design (not fashion, that's pointless) and for boys, how to use a bloody washing machine!! etc etc. No more cookery lessons, it's down to the parents to teach kids to cook!
10. Fashion would be illegal if it's ridiculous. See through ponchos? Whats the point?
11. Shops would not be allowed to open on a sunday. Anywhere. Or on Christmas day. The penalty would be death.
12. The prison system would get a complete overhall! No more "life" sentances that last 10 years! That's not life, its 10 years, it should be called a 10 year sentance. The punishment will now fit the crime. So thieves, you'll get the hand(s) you stole with chopped off, rapists, paedos etc, you're looking to lose a lot, hands, bits, eyes and a tatoo that says "pervert" on your forehead for good measure. Oooh, pluss the death sentance. Benefit fraud? You're looking at an unpaid community service as a sewer cleaner, every £1 you steal will cost you one day down there with your toothbrush :).
13. Over crowded prisons? Not a problem. Welcome back death row, goodbye locked up murderers.
14. Unemployment. Those unemployed and with no good reason to be unemployed, (disabled, ill, single mum, etc are exempt from this of course, they have a good reason) you can either get a job, or my government will give you a job, as a sewer cleaner, on £3 an hour. Mandatory.
15. The Spice Girls will not be permitted to have any more reunions.
16. Iron Maiden will be part of music lessons in schools.
17. Global Warming will be a legal requirement. Hotter summers? Colder winters? So you mean less rain, more bikinis and actual real life snow? The kind you can ski on? Yes please!
18. Roadworks will take a maximum of 24 hours to complete, or all workers will be shot and fed to the lions at london zoo. Can't do it in 24 hours? Get more staff!!!
19. Police will actually do more of the job they're paid to do. There are no more "dangerous" "speeding" motorists to catch, and the gatsos will take care of inconsiderate, dangerous drivers who "slow". So the good Old Bill can spend their time nicking real criminals, murderers, fraudsters, and motorcycle thieves.* 45mins to turn up to a motorcycle theft?? From the local station? Which is 10 mins from my house??? What did you all do? Push the bloody meatwagon!!!
20. No more police getting penalised for how they drive, (which means thay can drive faster) it's called rapid response driving and the idea is to be rapid. They're well trained, leave them alone. That way thay might actually catch some bike thieves!
21. The penalty for stealing a motorcycle will be death.
22. God I'm on a roll!
23. If the police accidently shoot a running man with a rucksack instead of a terrorist, tough. Occupational hazard. All terrorists MUST be shot on sight, and no, you're not getting 72 bloody virgins! You gullable fools!!
24. The London Tube will be 24 hour and WILL run on time, or the drivers (or whoever happens to be responsible) will be fired.
25. Bikes will be able to use bus lanes.
26. All london taxi drivers (Species: Blackus Cabbus) will undergo an eye test!!!
27. Anyone, anywhere who works for health and safety will be fired.
28. The Sun newspaper will be illegal
29. All other newspapers must refer to me as: "The new Maggie Thatcher, only not as ugly"
30. When the national anthem is played, everyone WILL sing along and WILL know ALL the words because God Save the Queen will be part of my new curriculum, and all those who do not know it will be required to learn it! The penalty for not knowing God Save the Queen is learning the words to, and singing, something by the spice girls.
And I'm done. Vote for me, it will be amazing.
* Yes, I have had a bike stolen before, but fortunately we caught the little buggers and got it back!!
(By the way, let's not take this seriously now, the chances of me getting in to government are on par with the chances of Her Majesty the Queen taking pole dancing lessons...)
Christie's Cut-Out-And-Keep Guide to Who to Vote For in General Elections
Here is something a bit fun I found on my laptop! It's slightly out of date, but it may once again be useful one day! And it's quite funny, so I thought I would post it...
-
The Guide
I have a new hobby...brace yourselves, my new hobby is... Politics! And I figured I could put my new hobby to some good use.
Politics, lets face it, is confusing. An manifestos? Boring as hell. And those televised debates we've had, well, the one ages ago with the BNP guy in was far more entertaining really...
But my new hobby has allowed me to have some very interesting debates with a few people, and I've gathered an awful lot of (probably highly inaccurate) political knowledge along the way, so to save people who cant be bothered to wade through boring manifestos, I've put together a handy Cut-out-and-keep guide to politics!
So Ladies and Gentelemen, here you have it...
THE FACTS
(sort of, well probably not actually, maybe "loosely based on the facts" would be a better title)
Cons:
> The guy has clearly had cosmetic surgery. trust me, I know botox when I see it. Do we really want a man vain enough to stoop to such a level running our country??
> Everyone thinks he's going to be just as bad as Maggie Thatcher*. Personaly, I don't actually know who that is. But apparently it's a con. And it makes me sound like I know my history to be able to bring it up in conversation.
> Apparently the guy is a bit of a reverse Robin Hood. And he intends to rob the poor to feed the rich. This, however, does not apply to me, as I intend to one day marry a millionaire!
Political People Number 2: The Ugly Guy
(you know, that silly fella thats been making a mess of things for the past few years)
Pros:
> "Better the Devil You Know" Let's face it, politicians in general are very good at making a mess of things, at least we know exactly what kind of mess this one will make, because we've seen him make it before.
> He intends to keep the benefit system just the way it is. Which is great if you like your free money. but I suppose, on a slightly more sensible note, it means he won't go messing with people that genuinely need benefits.
> I like the name of his gang. Labour. It sounds very british and coal-minery. Labour. Labour. makes me think of pints of bitter and national pride. But then the BNP also make me think of pints of bitter and national pride (amongst other things!) so don't take my word on it!
Cons:
> He looks a lot like a bulldog. Very flappy-skinny. Not particularly easy on the eyes.
> He's clearly overdue for a mid-life crisis and a nervous breakdown. You can see it in his eyes. You just know he's soon gonna start spending all our taxpayers money on fast cars and hookers, then cocaine, then rehab. Not a good prospect...
> His head is almost as far up americas arse as the last guys was. Almost, but not quite. And I really don't like americans.
Political People Number 3: The Plain Looking Guy
(You know, the one in the middle, the proverbial "other guy")
Pros:
> And another sensible one to start with. He intends to raise the income tax threshold to 10K. In english, if you earn less than 10K you'll get to keep all your dosh. This should make the ancient culinary art of book-cooking a lot easier.
> He's insanely energetic and enthusiastic when you hear him talk. Bordering on coke-problem energetic. If he does have a coke problem, it's probably not a good thing, but at least it will make things a bit more interesting, and give The Sun something new to write about. It's about time we caught some more MPs with apples in their mouths and their trousers round their ankles so we can have a good old giggle.
> {insert next pro here} Um, I havent really been paying too much attention to him, as his voice irritates me a bit after a while. So I'm afraid you'll have to think of your own third pro, suggestions on a postcard please! :)
Cons:
> Well, this is actually a pretty serious one. He intends to cut the defence budget and get rid of a few of our nukes. As anyone who knows me will tell you, I love Classical History, and I'm a firm believer in looking to the past for advice on the future, based on the fact that History has a tendancy to repeat itself. With this theory in mind, we are well overdue for our next Hitler. And the chances are our next Hitler will have nukes. And then where will we be? Well, in the immortal words of Tommy in Snatch; "Proper Fucked"
> He has no posters. How can we vote for a man with no posters?? That's just silly!
> He has some lovely fluffy ideas, but has failed to mention entirely where he intends to get the money from to fund them. In my personal opinion, I believe he secretly intends to invade Switzerland and take over the bank of Zurich. I'm all for world domination and rebuilding the British Empire an all that, but of course the problem arises when Switzerland have nukes and we don't...
To see where we will end up if this happens, please refer to my previous quote from Tommy
Political Peoples Numbers 4, 5 & 6:The Others
Just a quick guide to the silly people.
The BNP
Pros: Their logo has a Union Flag on it and is very pretty.
Cons: They are idiots.
UKIP
Pros: They want to pull out of the European Union, and stop giving decisions to people in Brussels.
Cons: They're basically the BNP with better hidden racism.
The Monster Raving Looney Party:
Pros: Their leader was called Screaming Lord Sutch. That's just cool.
Cons: They don't exist anymore, otherwise they would sooo have my vote!
My Conclusion
So, there you have it. The "Facts" in a quick easy reference guide! To summarise, here is my recommendation:
Vote for The Big Shiny Face Guy if you want a leader who is easy on the eyes and will print amusing posters.
Vote for The Ugly Guy if you don't fancy someone new cocking things up in a whole new way and you're happy to let him continue cocking things up in a nice familiar manner.
Vote for The Plain Looking Guy if you want someone who will do wonders for the taxpayer, but ultimately get us blown up by Switzerland
Vote for one of The Others if you are currently under the influence of alcohol or other mind altering substances.
Hope this helps! Comments and suggestions are welcome!
Disclaimer:
My views are probably nonsense and may seriously harm our country if taken seriously. Please have bucket of salt to hand when reading this handy Cut-out-and-keep guide.
Footnote:
* By the way, I do know who Maggie Thatcher is now, and have done for some time. God bless Wikipedia! However, I haven't yet fully researched why everyone hated her, so I shall show some incredible restraint and refrain from commenting until I have!
-
The Guide
I have a new hobby...brace yourselves, my new hobby is... Politics! And I figured I could put my new hobby to some good use.
Politics, lets face it, is confusing. An manifestos? Boring as hell. And those televised debates we've had, well, the one ages ago with the BNP guy in was far more entertaining really...
But my new hobby has allowed me to have some very interesting debates with a few people, and I've gathered an awful lot of (probably highly inaccurate) political knowledge along the way, so to save people who cant be bothered to wade through boring manifestos, I've put together a handy Cut-out-and-keep guide to politics!
So Ladies and Gentelemen, here you have it...
THE FACTS
(sort of, well probably not actually, maybe "loosely based on the facts" would be a better title)
Political People Number 1: The Guy With The Big Shiny Face
(You know, the one thats got those posters with more airbrushing than Jordan could shake a stick at)
Pros:
> Lets start with a sensible one, he has obviously read my manifesto. Clearly. He reckons we should scrap the benefit system (the bit where people can get free money they really don't deserve) and bring in this compulsory jobs thingumy. Where insead of benefits, people do community service type jobs and get paid the same as they would get in benefits. Sounds a lot like my idea of giving people mandatory communinty service as a sewer cleaner on £3 an hour.
> He is much better looking than the other two. Which is a good thing. Lets face it, we will have to spend an awful lot of time looking at picture of our new boss's ugly mug. So we should take this point into consideration and choose the person with the mug which is easiest on the eyes.
> They intend to "give teachers more power to administer disipline in schools" however, they haven't actually bothered to mention what kind of power. But I'm taking this to mean teachers are once again restored their god-given right to throw board wipers and other stationairy items at noisy kids. This will result in the other kids having some really funny stories to tell about their angry teachers down the pub when they grow up. Resulting in much amusement for all. Believe me, this is a pro. I've heard some of these stroies and they really are classic!
Cons:
> The guy has clearly had cosmetic surgery. trust me, I know botox when I see it. Do we really want a man vain enough to stoop to such a level running our country??
> Everyone thinks he's going to be just as bad as Maggie Thatcher*. Personaly, I don't actually know who that is. But apparently it's a con. And it makes me sound like I know my history to be able to bring it up in conversation.
> Apparently the guy is a bit of a reverse Robin Hood. And he intends to rob the poor to feed the rich. This, however, does not apply to me, as I intend to one day marry a millionaire!
Political People Number 2: The Ugly Guy
(you know, that silly fella thats been making a mess of things for the past few years)
Pros:
> "Better the Devil You Know" Let's face it, politicians in general are very good at making a mess of things, at least we know exactly what kind of mess this one will make, because we've seen him make it before.
> He intends to keep the benefit system just the way it is. Which is great if you like your free money. but I suppose, on a slightly more sensible note, it means he won't go messing with people that genuinely need benefits.
> I like the name of his gang. Labour. It sounds very british and coal-minery. Labour. Labour. makes me think of pints of bitter and national pride. But then the BNP also make me think of pints of bitter and national pride (amongst other things!) so don't take my word on it!
Cons:
> He looks a lot like a bulldog. Very flappy-skinny. Not particularly easy on the eyes.
> He's clearly overdue for a mid-life crisis and a nervous breakdown. You can see it in his eyes. You just know he's soon gonna start spending all our taxpayers money on fast cars and hookers, then cocaine, then rehab. Not a good prospect...
> His head is almost as far up americas arse as the last guys was. Almost, but not quite. And I really don't like americans.
Political People Number 3: The Plain Looking Guy
(You know, the one in the middle, the proverbial "other guy")
Pros:
> And another sensible one to start with. He intends to raise the income tax threshold to 10K. In english, if you earn less than 10K you'll get to keep all your dosh. This should make the ancient culinary art of book-cooking a lot easier.
> He's insanely energetic and enthusiastic when you hear him talk. Bordering on coke-problem energetic. If he does have a coke problem, it's probably not a good thing, but at least it will make things a bit more interesting, and give The Sun something new to write about. It's about time we caught some more MPs with apples in their mouths and their trousers round their ankles so we can have a good old giggle.
> {insert next pro here} Um, I havent really been paying too much attention to him, as his voice irritates me a bit after a while. So I'm afraid you'll have to think of your own third pro, suggestions on a postcard please! :)
Cons:
> Well, this is actually a pretty serious one. He intends to cut the defence budget and get rid of a few of our nukes. As anyone who knows me will tell you, I love Classical History, and I'm a firm believer in looking to the past for advice on the future, based on the fact that History has a tendancy to repeat itself. With this theory in mind, we are well overdue for our next Hitler. And the chances are our next Hitler will have nukes. And then where will we be? Well, in the immortal words of Tommy in Snatch; "Proper Fucked"
> He has no posters. How can we vote for a man with no posters?? That's just silly!
> He has some lovely fluffy ideas, but has failed to mention entirely where he intends to get the money from to fund them. In my personal opinion, I believe he secretly intends to invade Switzerland and take over the bank of Zurich. I'm all for world domination and rebuilding the British Empire an all that, but of course the problem arises when Switzerland have nukes and we don't...
To see where we will end up if this happens, please refer to my previous quote from Tommy
Political Peoples Numbers 4, 5 & 6:The Others
Just a quick guide to the silly people.
The BNP
Pros: Their logo has a Union Flag on it and is very pretty.
Cons: They are idiots.
UKIP
Pros: They want to pull out of the European Union, and stop giving decisions to people in Brussels.
Cons: They're basically the BNP with better hidden racism.
The Monster Raving Looney Party:
Pros: Their leader was called Screaming Lord Sutch. That's just cool.
Cons: They don't exist anymore, otherwise they would sooo have my vote!
My Conclusion
So, there you have it. The "Facts" in a quick easy reference guide! To summarise, here is my recommendation:
Vote for The Big Shiny Face Guy if you want a leader who is easy on the eyes and will print amusing posters.
Vote for The Ugly Guy if you don't fancy someone new cocking things up in a whole new way and you're happy to let him continue cocking things up in a nice familiar manner.
Vote for The Plain Looking Guy if you want someone who will do wonders for the taxpayer, but ultimately get us blown up by Switzerland
Vote for one of The Others if you are currently under the influence of alcohol or other mind altering substances.
Hope this helps! Comments and suggestions are welcome!
Disclaimer:
My views are probably nonsense and may seriously harm our country if taken seriously. Please have bucket of salt to hand when reading this handy Cut-out-and-keep guide.
Footnote:
* By the way, I do know who Maggie Thatcher is now, and have done for some time. God bless Wikipedia! However, I haven't yet fully researched why everyone hated her, so I shall show some incredible restraint and refrain from commenting until I have!
Saturday 6 November 2010
25 Random Facts about Yours Truly...which may or may not be true!
Ages ago, people were playing this game on one of those evil social networking sites...and it was quite funny.
So I thought I would write a little contribution on here...
So, here you have it, 25 Random Facts about me
(Which may or may not be based in truth)
1. I believe in the Zombie Apocolypse wholeheartedly. To this end I have a chemical warfare suit stashed in my loft. One day they will come. And will you be prepared?
2. I am able, from memory, to reciete the entire Witch's Speech from Macbeth. Which is a slightly pointless talent. It's the "Double Double, Toil and Trouble" bit and all the gory ingredients of the cauldron I know. Incedentally, it really winds me up when people misquote it as "Hubble Bubble Toil and Trouble" Hubble Bubble?? Does that really sound like Shakespearian language...?
3. I have recently aquired a Blackberry, and subsequently there may be a few nonsense posts as I learn to use it...
4. I did not vote in the last election. :( This was due to an immence work related cock up and me not being able to find the polling station... Lesson learnt. Next time, I shall vote by post!!
5. Contrary to popular belief, I do not vote BNP. They interest me because they amuse me, not because I do, or am ever likely to take them seriously!
6. The security on my garage is complete. It now resembles Fort Knox very strongly... I am NOT prepared to let another motorcycle get stolen!!
7. I love being English. Mainly because I can't speak French. But also because, despite the bad stuff, I am quite proud of the good stuff this country can do.
8. I collect interesting little cork topped glass bottles. Don't ask. I just think they're cool!
9. I Love Wikipedia. Mainly because I can't afford university and it's the next best thing. (Yes I know it's not allways accurate, and rarely unbiased. But it's a fantastic idea! And it's a great starting point if you want to research a subject.)
10. I think Anne Rice is a fabulous author, and it's mainly thanks to a love of her work that I now have a love of classics. (Read "Pandora", you'll get it.)
11. Second to Anne Rice, I adore Dickens. With Great Expectations being an undisputed favourite.
12. Another favourite book is Defoe's Moll Flanders. If you haven't read it, do. It's wonderful. Will probably do another post on it at some point.
(11/11/2010 - Have done one, click here)
13. It is one of my aims in life to marry a millionaire.
14. I believe everyone should try to learn an instrument at some point in their life. ("Try to learn, that is", not "be good at playing"!)
15. I know 2 useful phrases in french; "My hovercraft is full of eels" and "I have no money". Respectivly; "Mon aerogleseur sont plan d'ongi" and "Je ne pas d'largent"
16. When I was little, my father informed me that a building you could see from the M4 Flyover had "1000" written on the side of it due to the fact that it was 1000 feet high. I discovered about a year ago that this is not the case. It is simply number 1000 Great West Road. Much to the amusement of my friends...
17. I wouldn't mind having a crack at journalism. But as a general rule, I don't much like journalists.
18. I think the current disrespect the "yoof of today" have for the elderly in their communities is shocking and disgusting. And to this end, as soon as I am grey enough, I shall do my bit to repair the situation. Mainly by pretending to be senile and whacking random teenagers with my walking stick whilst on the bus.
19. On a slightly more serious note, I fully indend to volunteer for one of those "pop round and chat to the elderly" schemes. Hopefully next year (eek!) I don't doubt that I may encounter a few problems knowing what they're on about...but that's besides the point.
20. I also intend to rope a friend of mine into this who has expressed an interest. But he isn't yet aware of this fact.
21. I fully believe, that if you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything. "I will marry a millionaire...I will marry a millionaire..."
22. Its actually quite difficult to write one of these lists...
23. I once threw a paintball salesman out of my place of work by telling him "That sort of mindless violence is against my religion!". Seriously, he wouldn't leave. No matter what I said. I had to do something!
24. I love telesales. I usuall tell them "Ooh [insert random useless product they're selling here] sounds fabulous! Can you just hold on a minute?" and then wait to see how long they'll hold for... My record is about 7 minutes.
25. Jehovah's Witnesses no longer call on me after I once invited them to come to the Satanic Ritual later that evening and be the sacrifice.
So I thought I would write a little contribution on here...
So, here you have it, 25 Random Facts about me
(Which may or may not be based in truth)
1. I believe in the Zombie Apocolypse wholeheartedly. To this end I have a chemical warfare suit stashed in my loft. One day they will come. And will you be prepared?
2. I am able, from memory, to reciete the entire Witch's Speech from Macbeth. Which is a slightly pointless talent. It's the "Double Double, Toil and Trouble" bit and all the gory ingredients of the cauldron I know. Incedentally, it really winds me up when people misquote it as "Hubble Bubble Toil and Trouble" Hubble Bubble?? Does that really sound like Shakespearian language...?
3. I have recently aquired a Blackberry, and subsequently there may be a few nonsense posts as I learn to use it...
4. I did not vote in the last election. :( This was due to an immence work related cock up and me not being able to find the polling station... Lesson learnt. Next time, I shall vote by post!!
5. Contrary to popular belief, I do not vote BNP. They interest me because they amuse me, not because I do, or am ever likely to take them seriously!
6. The security on my garage is complete. It now resembles Fort Knox very strongly... I am NOT prepared to let another motorcycle get stolen!!
7. I love being English. Mainly because I can't speak French. But also because, despite the bad stuff, I am quite proud of the good stuff this country can do.
8. I collect interesting little cork topped glass bottles. Don't ask. I just think they're cool!
9. I Love Wikipedia. Mainly because I can't afford university and it's the next best thing. (Yes I know it's not allways accurate, and rarely unbiased. But it's a fantastic idea! And it's a great starting point if you want to research a subject.)
10. I think Anne Rice is a fabulous author, and it's mainly thanks to a love of her work that I now have a love of classics. (Read "Pandora", you'll get it.)
11. Second to Anne Rice, I adore Dickens. With Great Expectations being an undisputed favourite.
12. Another favourite book is Defoe's Moll Flanders. If you haven't read it, do. It's wonderful. Will probably do another post on it at some point.
(11/11/2010 - Have done one, click here)
13. It is one of my aims in life to marry a millionaire.
14. I believe everyone should try to learn an instrument at some point in their life. ("Try to learn, that is", not "be good at playing"!)
15. I know 2 useful phrases in french; "My hovercraft is full of eels" and "I have no money". Respectivly; "Mon aerogleseur sont plan d'ongi" and "Je ne pas d'largent"
16. When I was little, my father informed me that a building you could see from the M4 Flyover had "1000" written on the side of it due to the fact that it was 1000 feet high. I discovered about a year ago that this is not the case. It is simply number 1000 Great West Road. Much to the amusement of my friends...
17. I wouldn't mind having a crack at journalism. But as a general rule, I don't much like journalists.
18. I think the current disrespect the "yoof of today" have for the elderly in their communities is shocking and disgusting. And to this end, as soon as I am grey enough, I shall do my bit to repair the situation. Mainly by pretending to be senile and whacking random teenagers with my walking stick whilst on the bus.
19. On a slightly more serious note, I fully indend to volunteer for one of those "pop round and chat to the elderly" schemes. Hopefully next year (eek!) I don't doubt that I may encounter a few problems knowing what they're on about...but that's besides the point.
20. I also intend to rope a friend of mine into this who has expressed an interest. But he isn't yet aware of this fact.
21. I fully believe, that if you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything. "I will marry a millionaire...I will marry a millionaire..."
22. Its actually quite difficult to write one of these lists...
23. I once threw a paintball salesman out of my place of work by telling him "That sort of mindless violence is against my religion!". Seriously, he wouldn't leave. No matter what I said. I had to do something!
24. I love telesales. I usuall tell them "Ooh [insert random useless product they're selling here] sounds fabulous! Can you just hold on a minute?" and then wait to see how long they'll hold for... My record is about 7 minutes.
25. Jehovah's Witnesses no longer call on me after I once invited them to come to the Satanic Ritual later that evening and be the sacrifice.
Friday 5 November 2010
Gadgets and Cool Techy Things!!
I have added a few cool looking gizmos to this blog that blogger suggested for me!
I feel so hi tech... :D
First off, you can now "rate" the posts as funny, cool or interesting by clicking the little boxes below them!
Secondly, there is a "poll" on the right hand side of the blog (down below the picture) which allows you to rate the whole thing!
Please try my gadgets out! As I think they are very cool, but I'm not sure if they work or not yet because I've only just added them and I don't think anyones noticed them so far...
:)
I feel so hi tech... :D
First off, you can now "rate" the posts as funny, cool or interesting by clicking the little boxes below them!
Secondly, there is a "poll" on the right hand side of the blog (down below the picture) which allows you to rate the whole thing!
Please try my gadgets out! As I think they are very cool, but I'm not sure if they work or not yet because I've only just added them and I don't think anyones noticed them so far...
:)
Dragons and Fairies...as promised!
Ever heard the multitude of rumours surrounding Macbeth? There are a few. For example, most people know that in a "playhouse" (or theatre of any sort) you must refer to it as "The Scottish Play". Supposedly Shakespeare used actual witch's curses in the cauldron scene, which is why it is considered very unlucky to mention the name.
Just on a side note here, if you must call it 'The Scottish Play', how on earth is it ever performed??
"The Scottish Bloke from The Scottish Play! The Scottish Bloke from The Scottish Play! Beware Macduff!"
Really doesn't have the same ring to it now does it...
Anyway, yes, Dragons. I do have a point here! Ages and ages ago, I wrote a paper on the Cauldron Scene and on whether or not the rumours had any truth in them. I came to the conclusion that yes, they probably did have a small fraction of truth. Mr S may well have pinched a bit of it from something resembling "actual witch's curses", or rather from herbalism.
I shan't go into the full details here, but I will give a few of the examples which led me to this conclusion.
For example, the second list of gruesome ingredients for the cauldron begins;
"Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble."
Now, it sounds like a load of gory nonsense Shakespeare invented, and for the most part, I don't doubt that's what it is. But "Tongue of Dog" is quite interesting. It was once a colloquial name for "Cynoglossum officinale", a plant native to europe, now commonly known as 'Hounds Tongue' due to its bad smell! According to Wikipedia, it's still in use;
"Herbalists use the plant as a treatment for piles, lung diseases and persistent coughs. Houndstongue ointment is said to cure baldness, and can be used for sores and ulcers. Not all of these uses are supported by scientific evidence.[3]"
"Adders Fork" is also interesting. It could refer to the herb "Stitchwort", or botanical name 'Stellaria' and if you click this link, you'll see why its called Adders Fork, the petals do resemble a snakes tongue! However, although there are some variants native to Europe, its mostly an american plant.
This next ingredient however, I believe is probably just an incredibly gory invention of Shakespeare's! I doubt very much its a herb...
'Finger of birth-strangled baebe,
Ditch-delivered by a Drab'
(Or in english, 'finger of baby born to a prostitute is a ditch and strangled at birth')
You're probably wondering what all this has to do with Dragons. Well, it just so happens that my favourite incense bears the colloquial name of "Dragons Bloode" this is due to the fact that when you burn the resin to release the scent it bubbles blood red. And generally just looks a bit like blood. The Latin name for it is "Dracaena draco".
However I do take great pleasure in informing unsuspecting guests who may notice the little bottle on the shelf labelled 'Dragons Bloode' that its something quite different...
It usually starts with me saying;
"Ooh be careful with that stuff! Its very rare and expensive! You know when Saint George killed the dragon..."
(Oh and sorry for this post having nothing to do with fairies. It just sounded cool!!)
Just on a side note here, if you must call it 'The Scottish Play', how on earth is it ever performed??
"The Scottish Bloke from The Scottish Play! The Scottish Bloke from The Scottish Play! Beware Macduff!"
Really doesn't have the same ring to it now does it...
Anyway, yes, Dragons. I do have a point here! Ages and ages ago, I wrote a paper on the Cauldron Scene and on whether or not the rumours had any truth in them. I came to the conclusion that yes, they probably did have a small fraction of truth. Mr S may well have pinched a bit of it from something resembling "actual witch's curses", or rather from herbalism.
I shan't go into the full details here, but I will give a few of the examples which led me to this conclusion.
For example, the second list of gruesome ingredients for the cauldron begins;
"Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble."
Now, it sounds like a load of gory nonsense Shakespeare invented, and for the most part, I don't doubt that's what it is. But "Tongue of Dog" is quite interesting. It was once a colloquial name for "Cynoglossum officinale", a plant native to europe, now commonly known as 'Hounds Tongue' due to its bad smell! According to Wikipedia, it's still in use;
"Herbalists use the plant as a treatment for piles, lung diseases and persistent coughs. Houndstongue ointment is said to cure baldness, and can be used for sores and ulcers. Not all of these uses are supported by scientific evidence.[3]"
"Adders Fork" is also interesting. It could refer to the herb "Stitchwort", or botanical name 'Stellaria' and if you click this link, you'll see why its called Adders Fork, the petals do resemble a snakes tongue! However, although there are some variants native to Europe, its mostly an american plant.
This next ingredient however, I believe is probably just an incredibly gory invention of Shakespeare's! I doubt very much its a herb...
'Finger of birth-strangled baebe,
Ditch-delivered by a Drab'
(Or in english, 'finger of baby born to a prostitute is a ditch and strangled at birth')
You're probably wondering what all this has to do with Dragons. Well, it just so happens that my favourite incense bears the colloquial name of "Dragons Bloode" this is due to the fact that when you burn the resin to release the scent it bubbles blood red. And generally just looks a bit like blood. The Latin name for it is "Dracaena draco".
However I do take great pleasure in informing unsuspecting guests who may notice the little bottle on the shelf labelled 'Dragons Bloode' that its something quite different...
It usually starts with me saying;
"Ooh be careful with that stuff! Its very rare and expensive! You know when Saint George killed the dragon..."
(Oh and sorry for this post having nothing to do with fairies. It just sounded cool!!)
Thursday 4 November 2010
The BNP, who are actually sillier than I thought
Or rather;
"The BNP, who are incredibly silly, and why they definitely should not have a go!"
Okay so I've done some homework. I proposed letting the BNP have a go for a few months and then getting Her Majesty the Queen to chuck them all in the Tower of London. My logic was that we let them implement their few sensible policies, then lock them up before they get a chance to go on any genocidial rampages.
However there is a slight problem with this theory...
(Among many others of course!)
I actually checked their website to see how silly or sensible their policies really are. I read through the whole damnded lot. I must say, there's potential there. But only when the 'National Pride' side of things totally replaces the 'Black People are Bad' side. Rather than them just pretending that is the case.
So my conclusion is that their policies are mostly quite silly, apart from one, and this is a direct quote;
" - Abolish the “Human Rights Act” which has been imposed on this country through the European Union, and which is nothing but an excuse to prevent British laws stopping the scroungers of the world parasiting off this nation; "
And that, my friends, is not a silly policy. It's a downright bloody stupid and inherently dangerous policy.
Oh, and 'parasiting' isn't even a real word!!
I'll stick with Dave and the tea boy thanks all the same Mr Nick-used-to-be-NF-and-has-done-time-for-inciting-racial-hatred-Griffin. Oh and get someone to spell check your website you plonker!!
Just a side note:
For anyone interested, most likely through morbid curiosity, I would really recommend reading their current policies as stated by the BNP themselves here. Then comparing them with the Wikepedia article here.
The 'General Media' make the BNP out to be totally evil racists, the BNP claim to be Patriots. The slant put on things by both sides is quite interesting. It's my personal opinion that neither can be trusted to be telling the truth.
The real facts themselves, which can be found amongst the Wiki article, are somewhat enlightening to say the least.
In an unprecedented attempt at not being biased myself, I leave you to draw your own conclusions!
All I will say, is that the facts, and the arrests, seem to speak for themselves.
Serious bit over! I shall ensure my next post has something to do with Dragons, or Fairies or something!!
"The BNP, who are incredibly silly, and why they definitely should not have a go!"
Okay so I've done some homework. I proposed letting the BNP have a go for a few months and then getting Her Majesty the Queen to chuck them all in the Tower of London. My logic was that we let them implement their few sensible policies, then lock them up before they get a chance to go on any genocidial rampages.
However there is a slight problem with this theory...
(Among many others of course!)
I actually checked their website to see how silly or sensible their policies really are. I read through the whole damnded lot. I must say, there's potential there. But only when the 'National Pride' side of things totally replaces the 'Black People are Bad' side. Rather than them just pretending that is the case.
So my conclusion is that their policies are mostly quite silly, apart from one, and this is a direct quote;
" - Abolish the “Human Rights Act” which has been imposed on this country through the European Union, and which is nothing but an excuse to prevent British laws stopping the scroungers of the world parasiting off this nation; "
And that, my friends, is not a silly policy. It's a downright bloody stupid and inherently dangerous policy.
Oh, and 'parasiting' isn't even a real word!!
I'll stick with Dave and the tea boy thanks all the same Mr Nick-used-to-be-NF-and-has-done-time-for-inciting-racial-hatred-Griffin. Oh and get someone to spell check your website you plonker!!
Just a side note:
For anyone interested, most likely through morbid curiosity, I would really recommend reading their current policies as stated by the BNP themselves here. Then comparing them with the Wikepedia article here.
The 'General Media' make the BNP out to be totally evil racists, the BNP claim to be Patriots. The slant put on things by both sides is quite interesting. It's my personal opinion that neither can be trusted to be telling the truth.
The real facts themselves, which can be found amongst the Wiki article, are somewhat enlightening to say the least.
In an unprecedented attempt at not being biased myself, I leave you to draw your own conclusions!
All I will say, is that the facts, and the arrests, seem to speak for themselves.
Serious bit over! I shall ensure my next post has something to do with Dragons, or Fairies or something!!
The Theory of Relativity...again (and a Possible Solution!)
Okay, new revelation. Well, sort of.
The bit about the clocks which confused me states that the closer to the speed of light you're travelling the slower you will perceive time to go.
So, after ten minutes the Ninja sitting at the lights will see ten past one on its clock but if the R1 is travelling at the speed of light, after ten minutes (to the observer, or Ninja rider) he'll see 20 past one. Or something like that. Because at the speed of light the internal clock of any object slows right down.
Now what confused me about all this is why the bloody hell it happens?
It would appear the answer is quite simple...
No one actually has the first clue!
It just happens!
So, I'd like to propose a new theory;
Maybe time slows down because it has very short legs. A bit like a Haggis. (Haggis hunting anyone?) And perhaps one is a little shorter than the other.
So maybe when one is zipping around at the speed of light time just can't keep up because it gets out of breath rather quickly...
Of course all theories need proving, so I have devised an experiment using a Suzuki Hayabusa, a Rolex, some Nitrous, Santa Pod drag strip and a Chicken. Therefore I will shortly be applying for a Government Grant to solve one of the greatest scientific mysteries of all time...
The bit about the clocks which confused me states that the closer to the speed of light you're travelling the slower you will perceive time to go.
So, after ten minutes the Ninja sitting at the lights will see ten past one on its clock but if the R1 is travelling at the speed of light, after ten minutes (to the observer, or Ninja rider) he'll see 20 past one. Or something like that. Because at the speed of light the internal clock of any object slows right down.
Now what confused me about all this is why the bloody hell it happens?
It would appear the answer is quite simple...
No one actually has the first clue!
It just happens!
So, I'd like to propose a new theory;
Maybe time slows down because it has very short legs. A bit like a Haggis. (Haggis hunting anyone?) And perhaps one is a little shorter than the other.
So maybe when one is zipping around at the speed of light time just can't keep up because it gets out of breath rather quickly...
Of course all theories need proving, so I have devised an experiment using a Suzuki Hayabusa, a Rolex, some Nitrous, Santa Pod drag strip and a Chicken. Therefore I will shortly be applying for a Government Grant to solve one of the greatest scientific mysteries of all time...
Wednesday 3 November 2010
The BNP, who are a bit silly, and why I think they should have a go.
Here's a nice little theoretical idea...
Let's elect the BNP for a bit! Hear me out okay, because I have a theory that doesn't include allowing them to blow up any Jews;
There are several things wrong with this country, as we all know, and I reckon the BNP should be allowed a go at fixing them. Not for long mind you, because they will inevitably make a mess of most things. Only let them in for a few months or so, and only on the condition that they promise not to attempt any sorts of genocide whatsoever! Under strict threat of having their fish drowned mafia-style if they do!
But, the BNP want to pull out of the EU, which is very sensible as it costs the country billions every year and all we get is a holiday to Brussels every now and again for a few politicians and a lot of silly legislation. Like the new motorcycle test. Which now includes daft things like slaloms around cones in a car park. And has also led to all sorts of silly health and safety issues about what is or is not a suitable car park. And therefore a shortage of 'approved' car parks... I'm sure you see my point.
Then there's immigration. Okay, so they may go a bit OTT on this one perhaps... But there's no denying that if anyone can successfully ship home all the illegal immigrants that are here, they can! (Of course we will need to apologise profusely to the few legal ones they manage to deport as well, and let them come back once we get rid of the BNP, but hopefully they'll understand!)
They want to bring back proper Grammar schools and just generally have a few sensible schooling ideas. Which should lead to a better education system overall. And less brat children thanks to allowing teachers to once more throw things at them! I for one would have been much less likely, as a child, to tell a teacher to 'piss off' if it would have resulted in a white board wiper to the ear!
They'll get rid of political correctness and a lot of daft health and safety nonsense. Which may actually result in people once again relying on common sense and not needing silly warning signs! Have you seen the ones up near Harrods? 'Low Trees'?! Well yes, I can see that. The low trees themselves, funnily enough, are quite a bit more noticeable than the bloody warning sign! Their 'political correctness' (or incorrectness!) ideas may be a bit overkill, but if they result in this 'under representation of ethnic minorities' nonsense being removed, that's a good thing in my book. And we can always fix the silly ideas once we chuck them out.
The police are a classic example here. Ethnic minorities are apparently 'under represented' in the old bill, so they have to, by law, employ more of them. Aww, isn't that nice and fluffy, equality and all that. But surely it's more important they employ someone suited to the job regardless of whether they're black, white, yellow or bloody green! And if that happens to be someone white, british and male, tough shit. It's rather an important job after all, surely the best person for it should be doing it. That's like a hairdressers having to hire a man trained in IT over a woman trained in hairdressing because they already employ too many women! It's just silly!
I believe they have a few radical ideas about the benefit system as well which may or may not work nicely.
Of course there is the slight problem of them wondering off on a Hitler-style campaign and attempting to exterminate black people everywhere. Which I grant you, could be a setback. But I have a plan for that. Let them do their sensible stuff first, and just when they're prepping the nukes, have Her Majesty the Queen pop over to see them, dissolve parliament and have the whole lot of them chucked in the Tower of London for Treason. They'd make a good tourist attraction too. You'd make a fortune selling rotten eggs with pictures of Martin Luther King on to throw at them.
And then of course Her Majesty the Queen re-instigates the current government to clean up the mess. And everyone will love the Conservatives because Nick Griffin is clearly a lot worse than Maggie Thatcher ever was!
Of course by this point, it will just be easier to stay out of the EU rather than rejoin, and the motorcycle test won't get any sillier than it already is...
Let's elect the BNP for a bit! Hear me out okay, because I have a theory that doesn't include allowing them to blow up any Jews;
There are several things wrong with this country, as we all know, and I reckon the BNP should be allowed a go at fixing them. Not for long mind you, because they will inevitably make a mess of most things. Only let them in for a few months or so, and only on the condition that they promise not to attempt any sorts of genocide whatsoever! Under strict threat of having their fish drowned mafia-style if they do!
But, the BNP want to pull out of the EU, which is very sensible as it costs the country billions every year and all we get is a holiday to Brussels every now and again for a few politicians and a lot of silly legislation. Like the new motorcycle test. Which now includes daft things like slaloms around cones in a car park. And has also led to all sorts of silly health and safety issues about what is or is not a suitable car park. And therefore a shortage of 'approved' car parks... I'm sure you see my point.
Then there's immigration. Okay, so they may go a bit OTT on this one perhaps... But there's no denying that if anyone can successfully ship home all the illegal immigrants that are here, they can! (Of course we will need to apologise profusely to the few legal ones they manage to deport as well, and let them come back once we get rid of the BNP, but hopefully they'll understand!)
They want to bring back proper Grammar schools and just generally have a few sensible schooling ideas. Which should lead to a better education system overall. And less brat children thanks to allowing teachers to once more throw things at them! I for one would have been much less likely, as a child, to tell a teacher to 'piss off' if it would have resulted in a white board wiper to the ear!
They'll get rid of political correctness and a lot of daft health and safety nonsense. Which may actually result in people once again relying on common sense and not needing silly warning signs! Have you seen the ones up near Harrods? 'Low Trees'?! Well yes, I can see that. The low trees themselves, funnily enough, are quite a bit more noticeable than the bloody warning sign! Their 'political correctness' (or incorrectness!) ideas may be a bit overkill, but if they result in this 'under representation of ethnic minorities' nonsense being removed, that's a good thing in my book. And we can always fix the silly ideas once we chuck them out.
The police are a classic example here. Ethnic minorities are apparently 'under represented' in the old bill, so they have to, by law, employ more of them. Aww, isn't that nice and fluffy, equality and all that. But surely it's more important they employ someone suited to the job regardless of whether they're black, white, yellow or bloody green! And if that happens to be someone white, british and male, tough shit. It's rather an important job after all, surely the best person for it should be doing it. That's like a hairdressers having to hire a man trained in IT over a woman trained in hairdressing because they already employ too many women! It's just silly!
I believe they have a few radical ideas about the benefit system as well which may or may not work nicely.
Of course there is the slight problem of them wondering off on a Hitler-style campaign and attempting to exterminate black people everywhere. Which I grant you, could be a setback. But I have a plan for that. Let them do their sensible stuff first, and just when they're prepping the nukes, have Her Majesty the Queen pop over to see them, dissolve parliament and have the whole lot of them chucked in the Tower of London for Treason. They'd make a good tourist attraction too. You'd make a fortune selling rotten eggs with pictures of Martin Luther King on to throw at them.
And then of course Her Majesty the Queen re-instigates the current government to clean up the mess. And everyone will love the Conservatives because Nick Griffin is clearly a lot worse than Maggie Thatcher ever was!
Of course by this point, it will just be easier to stay out of the EU rather than rejoin, and the motorcycle test won't get any sillier than it already is...
Brat Children
For the record, I work in retail. And usually, I love it. Today I did not.
I had a screaming child. There is nothing in the world worse than the incessant, overwhelming ear piercing scream of a child. And it is perfectly impossible to talk over. Which, when your job is sales, and relies heavily on good sales pitches, is somewhat detrimental to business.
To top it all off, there was also a brat child. One of those ones that runs around the place picking up various items, irrelevant of value and either throwing or hitting them on the floor. I was sorely tempted to resort to the fire
extinguisher...
But this isn't my main gripe. My main gripe is some peoples attitudes towards children who behave this way. My personal attitude is that a good solid clip round the ear works miracles. Other attitudes include that the child may have 'problems'.
Now I acknowledge that problems like autism exist, and a mentally ill child is probably a total nightmare sometimes. Fine. Most autistic children I've met, either at work or otherwise, the mothers have quietly mentioned that is the case, and in a lot of cases I've generally found that a balloon seems to work wonders! But the screaming child in question, when I asked the mother if he was okay she told me he was hungry, and continued to ignore him!
Hungry?? Well feed the bloody thing then! Don't just ignore him and keep shopping! At the very least, take him outside until he's done screaming and stop pissing off an entire shop full of people! And don't ignore the other one too! She finally actually spoke to the second child when I informed her that she would need to pay for anything he damages. Money works wonders doesn't it? She didn't appear concerned for the safety of her child, but the safety of her purse? Ah, now that's another matter!
Now, I happened to mention this incident elsewhere, and was immediately upbraided because the child could have a 'problem'. What? Brat syndrome? Well yes, actually, apparently just that. Something like ADHD.
Now correct me if I'm wrong here, but ADHD stands for 'attention deficit hyperactive disorder'. Which means a child with a short attention span who has a tendency to run around a lot. So basically, a naughty child.
Seriously? There is a medical classification for 'being a brat'. Well, surely doctors should be prescribing clips round the ear then! No, they prescribe drugs. For children.
And this new 'illness' leads to the assumption that brat children are problem children, and allowances should be made.
Now I'm going to stick my neck out here and suggest that maybe ADHD is a made up illness from america used by people with bad parenting skills as an excuse.
Maybe it's a real illness recently discovered which not a lot is yet known about. Only time and medical research will actually tell which. But I still doubt very much it applies to all naughty children. I would expect most naughty children are simply the product of bad parenting, and a very few are the result of ADHD.
I think I may have just hit on one of the biggest problems in the country today. There is a definite correlation between brat children and abused benefits or council housing. Surely this tells us something?
And do you know what I blame? Yep, the same thing my Grandmother would have blamed, Computer Games, Television and the Labour Government!
Bitching over, thank you for listening...
I had a screaming child. There is nothing in the world worse than the incessant, overwhelming ear piercing scream of a child. And it is perfectly impossible to talk over. Which, when your job is sales, and relies heavily on good sales pitches, is somewhat detrimental to business.
To top it all off, there was also a brat child. One of those ones that runs around the place picking up various items, irrelevant of value and either throwing or hitting them on the floor. I was sorely tempted to resort to the fire
extinguisher...
But this isn't my main gripe. My main gripe is some peoples attitudes towards children who behave this way. My personal attitude is that a good solid clip round the ear works miracles. Other attitudes include that the child may have 'problems'.
Now I acknowledge that problems like autism exist, and a mentally ill child is probably a total nightmare sometimes. Fine. Most autistic children I've met, either at work or otherwise, the mothers have quietly mentioned that is the case, and in a lot of cases I've generally found that a balloon seems to work wonders! But the screaming child in question, when I asked the mother if he was okay she told me he was hungry, and continued to ignore him!
Hungry?? Well feed the bloody thing then! Don't just ignore him and keep shopping! At the very least, take him outside until he's done screaming and stop pissing off an entire shop full of people! And don't ignore the other one too! She finally actually spoke to the second child when I informed her that she would need to pay for anything he damages. Money works wonders doesn't it? She didn't appear concerned for the safety of her child, but the safety of her purse? Ah, now that's another matter!
Now, I happened to mention this incident elsewhere, and was immediately upbraided because the child could have a 'problem'. What? Brat syndrome? Well yes, actually, apparently just that. Something like ADHD.
Now correct me if I'm wrong here, but ADHD stands for 'attention deficit hyperactive disorder'. Which means a child with a short attention span who has a tendency to run around a lot. So basically, a naughty child.
Seriously? There is a medical classification for 'being a brat'. Well, surely doctors should be prescribing clips round the ear then! No, they prescribe drugs. For children.
And this new 'illness' leads to the assumption that brat children are problem children, and allowances should be made.
Now I'm going to stick my neck out here and suggest that maybe ADHD is a made up illness from america used by people with bad parenting skills as an excuse.
Maybe it's a real illness recently discovered which not a lot is yet known about. Only time and medical research will actually tell which. But I still doubt very much it applies to all naughty children. I would expect most naughty children are simply the product of bad parenting, and a very few are the result of ADHD.
I think I may have just hit on one of the biggest problems in the country today. There is a definite correlation between brat children and abused benefits or council housing. Surely this tells us something?
And do you know what I blame? Yep, the same thing my Grandmother would have blamed, Computer Games, Television and the Labour Government!
Bitching over, thank you for listening...
Wednesday 27 October 2010
The Theory of Relativity Or 'What goes faster? A Ninja or an R1?'
So... I've been doing the Theory of Relativity again. General Relativity I get. Space is flexible. Pretty straightforward. I even get E-mc2, 'Energy is equal to mass times the speed of light squared'. And I can explain that in the form of nuclear fusion. (Whack a couple of particles together, that equation will tell you how much energy they'll release)
But Special Relativity?? What was Albert going on about??
Okay, so this is the one to do with speed and time. So, take a Ninja and an R1. The Ninja is travelling at 50mph, the R1 is doing 100mph. To the Ninja rider the R1 only appears to be doing 50mph, but when the Ninja stops at the lights and the R1 doesn't, the R1 now appears to be doing 100mph to the Ninja rider. Perception of speed is relative to your own speed. Get that bit, it's not too complicated.
But if the R1 is now doing the speed of light, and the Ninja is still at the lights, when the R1 stops in ten minutes time, the two clocks will no longer match. The Ninja will say ten past one, but the R1 will say 5 past one. Or something like that.
Huh??
My conclusion: Fit you bike with Nitrous and you'll never be late for anything ever again. Well not by your watch anyway. Maybe by everyone else's!
Disclaimer: Figures here are wildly inaccurate. This is due to attempting to explain one of the most complicated bits of Physics using a silly example with motorcycles. Please don't take it too seriously.
But Special Relativity?? What was Albert going on about??
Okay, so this is the one to do with speed and time. So, take a Ninja and an R1. The Ninja is travelling at 50mph, the R1 is doing 100mph. To the Ninja rider the R1 only appears to be doing 50mph, but when the Ninja stops at the lights and the R1 doesn't, the R1 now appears to be doing 100mph to the Ninja rider. Perception of speed is relative to your own speed. Get that bit, it's not too complicated.
But if the R1 is now doing the speed of light, and the Ninja is still at the lights, when the R1 stops in ten minutes time, the two clocks will no longer match. The Ninja will say ten past one, but the R1 will say 5 past one. Or something like that.
Huh??
My conclusion: Fit you bike with Nitrous and you'll never be late for anything ever again. Well not by your watch anyway. Maybe by everyone else's!
Disclaimer: Figures here are wildly inaccurate. This is due to attempting to explain one of the most complicated bits of Physics using a silly example with motorcycles. Please don't take it too seriously.
Tuesday 26 October 2010
Things I'd like to do to Motorcycle Theives
Because obviously the current laws aren't tough enough, as I'm sure any biker would agree. So I'd like to propose a few suggestions of my own;
1. Lock them up in their white van permanently instead of prison. Maybe occasionally posting crusts of bread through the window. Throw away the keys.
2. Make them wear a collar with a "bell". Like you do for a cat to stop it catching birds, but instead of a bell fit it with a little device that plays a message every time they move. Ooh I don't know, something along the lines of; "I am a thieving bastard who steals motorcycles!! Please keep an eye on your bike if I am anywhere near you!"
3. Bring in a type of stoning. Done by the bikers from whom they've stolen bikes, and instead of stones, use all the cut off disk locks/padlocks/chains/broken garage doors etc. that those bikers have been left with.
4. Hang, Draw and Quarter them. I would advise the government to consider hanging them using one of the bike chains they've cut through. Draw them behind their (probably stolen) white van. And finally Quarter them using four of the bikes they've stolen. Preferably ridden by their rightful owners!!
And my personal favourite...
5. Burn them. Just burn them like the heretics they are! Preferably at a Bike Rally.
Bitter? Me? Nah! Of course not...
1. Lock them up in their white van permanently instead of prison. Maybe occasionally posting crusts of bread through the window. Throw away the keys.
2. Make them wear a collar with a "bell". Like you do for a cat to stop it catching birds, but instead of a bell fit it with a little device that plays a message every time they move. Ooh I don't know, something along the lines of; "I am a thieving bastard who steals motorcycles!! Please keep an eye on your bike if I am anywhere near you!"
3. Bring in a type of stoning. Done by the bikers from whom they've stolen bikes, and instead of stones, use all the cut off disk locks/padlocks/chains/broken garage doors etc. that those bikers have been left with.
4. Hang, Draw and Quarter them. I would advise the government to consider hanging them using one of the bike chains they've cut through. Draw them behind their (probably stolen) white van. And finally Quarter them using four of the bikes they've stolen. Preferably ridden by their rightful owners!!
And my personal favourite...
5. Burn them. Just burn them like the heretics they are! Preferably at a Bike Rally.
Bitter? Me? Nah! Of course not...
What happened to the Ninja
Yep, she's been stolen.
Because apparently some people are twats and practically ruining other people's lives is all in a nights work for them!!
The complete tossers in question helped themselves to her overnight on a sunday. Probably a white van and two tossers to lift her in. At least that's what happened to a friend up the road who lost an 08 Ninja two days later, because they caught it on video!! So could well have been the same tossers, seems a bit of a coincidence.
Video? Brilliant, you say, hand the CCTV over to the old bill and bob's your uncle!
Not so, hand the CCTV over to the old bill, and they tell you they "don't have the resources to check it". Don't have the resources?? To check a bit of film and run a number plate check?? Which could possibly take TEN WHOLE MINUTES??? You have got to be kidding me!
Anyway, the result of this palaver is that my insurance company will probably bitch and moan for a bit, hopefully give me at least half what my Ninja was worth and I'll eventually end up with another 09 Ninja insured at a ridiculous price. Maybe by next year, if I'm lucky.
In the meantime, I have been contenting myself with shopping for new security systems. Retail Therapy and all that. And it's making me feel a little bit better.
My wish list so far goes something like this...
1. Garage alarm that goes off in the garage, on the garage and in the house.
2. Awesome hidden cctv system you can check from your phone!
3. Security lights. About 50 of them.
4. Guard dogs.
5. Really big chain. Really big. We're talking big enough to tow an aircraft with!!
6. Super duper bolt cutter proof padlocks. About 20 of them!
7. One of those anti car jackingy thingys they have in South Africa. You know, the thing that shoots flames at you if you touch the vehicle.
8. Big burly 24 hour security guards.
9. The bestest tracker money can buy.
10. And a winning lottery ticket to fund all of the above!
Because apparently some people are twats and practically ruining other people's lives is all in a nights work for them!!
The complete tossers in question helped themselves to her overnight on a sunday. Probably a white van and two tossers to lift her in. At least that's what happened to a friend up the road who lost an 08 Ninja two days later, because they caught it on video!! So could well have been the same tossers, seems a bit of a coincidence.
Video? Brilliant, you say, hand the CCTV over to the old bill and bob's your uncle!
Not so, hand the CCTV over to the old bill, and they tell you they "don't have the resources to check it". Don't have the resources?? To check a bit of film and run a number plate check?? Which could possibly take TEN WHOLE MINUTES??? You have got to be kidding me!
Anyway, the result of this palaver is that my insurance company will probably bitch and moan for a bit, hopefully give me at least half what my Ninja was worth and I'll eventually end up with another 09 Ninja insured at a ridiculous price. Maybe by next year, if I'm lucky.
In the meantime, I have been contenting myself with shopping for new security systems. Retail Therapy and all that. And it's making me feel a little bit better.
My wish list so far goes something like this...
1. Garage alarm that goes off in the garage, on the garage and in the house.
2. Awesome hidden cctv system you can check from your phone!
3. Security lights. About 50 of them.
4. Guard dogs.
5. Really big chain. Really big. We're talking big enough to tow an aircraft with!!
6. Super duper bolt cutter proof padlocks. About 20 of them!
7. One of those anti car jackingy thingys they have in South Africa. You know, the thing that shoots flames at you if you touch the vehicle.
8. Big burly 24 hour security guards.
9. The bestest tracker money can buy.
10. And a winning lottery ticket to fund all of the above!
Wednesday 18 August 2010
Useful Motorcycling Tips They Don't Tell You When You Pass Your Test
Thought I would share a couple of do's and don't's that I have learnt the hard way...
Do not waste your money on a bike cover. When it is off the bike and in your hallway, your cats will pee on it. When it is on your bike, it will get blown off and you will lose it anyway. Even if you do up that useless little clip underneath.
Do not attempt to ride your motorcycle in stilettos. I tried this once. Resulted in the right hand footpeg getting stuck between the heel and sole of the shoe. That's the brake side. It was nearly very, very unpleasant...
Front facing speed cameras can't catch bikers. Fact. But if you take the piss they're liable to get you on the colour of your leathers.
Don't tie balloons to the back of your bike if you want to take them home. I lost my Rossi shaped birthday balloon this way. He stayed attached for all of a 1/4 of a mile!
Sidis are not waterproof if you're short and you ride a sportstbike. The toes get very scuffed from trying to reach the ground, and then the scuffed bits let in water. The heels however, remain dry!
Always, always, always zip up your pockets!! I have lost more packets of cigarettes and telephones this way than I care to remember. I once dropped my zippo thanks to an unzipped pocket. The zippo was an 18th birthday present so this resulted in a dangerous traffic stopping manoeuvre on a high street to retrieve it before it got run over.
Don't ride in new rock boots. At least not the ones with a printed pattern on the toes. The right one will be fine, the left one however, will be spoilt by the gearchange. This also applies to other forms of footwear, like new white trainers, work shoes etc.
Do not attempt to ride your bike in a minidress. Even if you're not going far and it is sunny. It will most definitely result in sadistic friends kneeling down in the middle of the road as you arrive with cameras. And this will result in photographs which they can blackmail you with. Also, getting on and off a sportsbike in a minidress is an art form which is very, very difficult to perfect, and again may result in photographs and blackmail!!
Do not take a drunk pillion. Even if it is their 18th birthday. Even if they have promised you faithfully that they're not that drunk and they will sit still and keep quiet. Even if you are only going round the corner to pick up the CD they forgot to bring to the pub because it's their 18th birthday and they're quite drunk... It will result in your bike on it's side and them giggling hopelessly because they can't get on!!
And one final, very important tip;
Always keep an Emergency Breakdown Kit under your seat. This consists of a rolled up magazine, (I recommend Rider's Digest for it's compact size!) a chocolate bar and an RAC card. I'm sure you can see the logic in this one!!
Do not waste your money on a bike cover. When it is off the bike and in your hallway, your cats will pee on it. When it is on your bike, it will get blown off and you will lose it anyway. Even if you do up that useless little clip underneath.
Do not attempt to ride your motorcycle in stilettos. I tried this once. Resulted in the right hand footpeg getting stuck between the heel and sole of the shoe. That's the brake side. It was nearly very, very unpleasant...
Front facing speed cameras can't catch bikers. Fact. But if you take the piss they're liable to get you on the colour of your leathers.
Don't tie balloons to the back of your bike if you want to take them home. I lost my Rossi shaped birthday balloon this way. He stayed attached for all of a 1/4 of a mile!
Sidis are not waterproof if you're short and you ride a sportstbike. The toes get very scuffed from trying to reach the ground, and then the scuffed bits let in water. The heels however, remain dry!
Always, always, always zip up your pockets!! I have lost more packets of cigarettes and telephones this way than I care to remember. I once dropped my zippo thanks to an unzipped pocket. The zippo was an 18th birthday present so this resulted in a dangerous traffic stopping manoeuvre on a high street to retrieve it before it got run over.
Don't ride in new rock boots. At least not the ones with a printed pattern on the toes. The right one will be fine, the left one however, will be spoilt by the gearchange. This also applies to other forms of footwear, like new white trainers, work shoes etc.
Do not attempt to ride your bike in a minidress. Even if you're not going far and it is sunny. It will most definitely result in sadistic friends kneeling down in the middle of the road as you arrive with cameras. And this will result in photographs which they can blackmail you with. Also, getting on and off a sportsbike in a minidress is an art form which is very, very difficult to perfect, and again may result in photographs and blackmail!!
Do not take a drunk pillion. Even if it is their 18th birthday. Even if they have promised you faithfully that they're not that drunk and they will sit still and keep quiet. Even if you are only going round the corner to pick up the CD they forgot to bring to the pub because it's their 18th birthday and they're quite drunk... It will result in your bike on it's side and them giggling hopelessly because they can't get on!!
And one final, very important tip;
Always keep an Emergency Breakdown Kit under your seat. This consists of a rolled up magazine, (I recommend Rider's Digest for it's compact size!) a chocolate bar and an RAC card. I'm sure you can see the logic in this one!!
Saturday 7 August 2010
Politics: The Housing Issue
I was reading me paper yesterday whilst trying not to be creeped out by the fact that I was infact in a Tattooists, and the person opposite me was infact getting a tattoo, when I came across an article on the Housing Issue. 'Me paper' incase you're wondering, is The Times. An Economist reader friend of mine is quick to describe it as "a tabloid with big words" But he doesn't ride a motorcycle. This makes him a Person, not a Biker, so his oppinion is irrelevant anyway really!
Anyhow, the article was discusing some of the new proposals for council houses. Now, council housing as a whole in my opinion is a really big problem. It's abused, regularly and relentlessley. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but surely council housing is for those who need it and is a short term solution? Granted in the case of people unable to work through disabilities etc. it's a long term solution, and a nessesary one. But in the case of people fit and able and, dare I say, unwilling, to work? It would make sense that the council house gives you somewhere to go when you have nowhere, but once you're working, earning and have the means, surely you should be finding somewhere yourself. So I must admit, I'm all for most of these ideas. Rent capped at £400 so people can't take the piss? Sounds good. Reviewing circumstances every 5 years? Excellent. Preventing houses being 'handed down a generation' Good. And my personal favourite, downsizing once children are over a certain age and working. Or should be working. This one also suggested upping the rent if said children don't want to move out straight away. Sounds very sensible to me.
The problem with council housing is the way it's viewed. Too many people see it as their "right" rather than as a safety net. The system needs to be tightened so the vast number of people currently taking the piss, can't.
I was in tescos the other day and I heard a girl talking to a friend about "how shit the council are being" because she couldn't get a house where she wanted. Surely anywhere's fine, providing it has a roof and some walls, if you have nowhere to go and really need a house? I know I really wouldn't be fussed if I was in that situation.
So, good on you David. Sort it out mate! Make sure the houses go to those who really need them, not those sitting on jobseekers yet not bothering to get a job and pay their own way.
Anyhow, the article was discusing some of the new proposals for council houses. Now, council housing as a whole in my opinion is a really big problem. It's abused, regularly and relentlessley. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but surely council housing is for those who need it and is a short term solution? Granted in the case of people unable to work through disabilities etc. it's a long term solution, and a nessesary one. But in the case of people fit and able and, dare I say, unwilling, to work? It would make sense that the council house gives you somewhere to go when you have nowhere, but once you're working, earning and have the means, surely you should be finding somewhere yourself. So I must admit, I'm all for most of these ideas. Rent capped at £400 so people can't take the piss? Sounds good. Reviewing circumstances every 5 years? Excellent. Preventing houses being 'handed down a generation' Good. And my personal favourite, downsizing once children are over a certain age and working. Or should be working. This one also suggested upping the rent if said children don't want to move out straight away. Sounds very sensible to me.
The problem with council housing is the way it's viewed. Too many people see it as their "right" rather than as a safety net. The system needs to be tightened so the vast number of people currently taking the piss, can't.
I was in tescos the other day and I heard a girl talking to a friend about "how shit the council are being" because she couldn't get a house where she wanted. Surely anywhere's fine, providing it has a roof and some walls, if you have nowhere to go and really need a house? I know I really wouldn't be fussed if I was in that situation.
So, good on you David. Sort it out mate! Make sure the houses go to those who really need them, not those sitting on jobseekers yet not bothering to get a job and pay their own way.
Thursday 5 August 2010
Bike Names and Birds and Things
Well, I've done some wikipedia-ing and that "pub fact" about the word Hyabusa being japanese for a bird of prey that preys on blackbirds is true!
It's actually the Japanese for a pretty common bird of prey, one we even get in England, the Peregrine Falcon.
Whilst looking this up, I found out another couple of interesting facts;
"The Peregrine Falcon is often stated to be the fastest animal on the planet in its hunting dive, the stoop, which involves soaring to a great height and then diving steeply at speeds commonly said to be over 320 km/h (200 mph)"
Isn't that clever? There's a lot more to the name than just the Blackbird thing. Name the 200mph bike after the 200mph bird. It's actually quite a well thought out name, and quite a lot of vehicle names really aren't.
And that got me to thinking, why is a Ninja called a Ninja?
"A ninja or shinobi (忍者 or 忍び) was a covert agent or mercenary of feudal Japan specializing in unorthodox arts of war. The functions of the ninja included espionage, sabotage, infiltration, and assassination, as well as open combat in certain situations.[1] The ninja, using covert methods of waging war, were contrasted with the samurai, who had strict rules about honor and combat."
Doesn't really have anything relevant that I can see. Unless there's a bike out there somewhere called the Samouri that I've never heard of. My Conclusion? The Ninja is called the Ninja just because it sounds cool!
On another note, apparently the FireBlade is a mistranslation from Japanese to English. It was supposed to be called The Lighning. Doesn't really have the same ring to it now does it?
*quotes are from Wikipedia. Of course.
It's actually the Japanese for a pretty common bird of prey, one we even get in England, the Peregrine Falcon.
Whilst looking this up, I found out another couple of interesting facts;
"The Peregrine Falcon is often stated to be the fastest animal on the planet in its hunting dive, the stoop, which involves soaring to a great height and then diving steeply at speeds commonly said to be over 320 km/h (200 mph)"
Isn't that clever? There's a lot more to the name than just the Blackbird thing. Name the 200mph bike after the 200mph bird. It's actually quite a well thought out name, and quite a lot of vehicle names really aren't.
And that got me to thinking, why is a Ninja called a Ninja?
"A ninja or shinobi (忍者 or 忍び) was a covert agent or mercenary of feudal Japan specializing in unorthodox arts of war. The functions of the ninja included espionage, sabotage, infiltration, and assassination, as well as open combat in certain situations.[1] The ninja, using covert methods of waging war, were contrasted with the samurai, who had strict rules about honor and combat."
Doesn't really have anything relevant that I can see. Unless there's a bike out there somewhere called the Samouri that I've never heard of. My Conclusion? The Ninja is called the Ninja just because it sounds cool!
On another note, apparently the FireBlade is a mistranslation from Japanese to English. It was supposed to be called The Lighning. Doesn't really have the same ring to it now does it?
*quotes are from Wikipedia. Of course.
Wednesday 4 August 2010
Some Advice
Never, never ever, Not Ever, not ever even if you're stranded in the middle of the atlantic ever...
...go pillion on an early 2000s R1 without a grabrail.
It's very uncomfortable.
...go pillion on an early 2000s R1 without a grabrail.
It's very uncomfortable.
Monday 2 August 2010
Knee Down
Got my knee down!!
Just thought you'd all like to know.
Motrax extra thick knee sliders are the way forward for those of us who are vertically challenged :)
Just thought you'd all like to know.
Motrax extra thick knee sliders are the way forward for those of us who are vertically challenged :)
Anne Rice and Christianity
For the record, before I start off on this one, I'm not Christian. I do have a religion, but it is my humble opinion that all religions are man made, and are essentially the same thing anyway. I doubt very much if the Gods really give a shit by which name you choose to call them.
As you may or may not be aware, Anne Rice is the author of the fabulous Vampire Chronicles as well as some recent books on Christ and on Angels. (which I haven't yet read, but reviews say are just as good!) Her style of writing is fabulous and she's one of these few authors with the wonderful talent of creating a reality and transporting you there. Anyway, this lady is Catholic. She has a facebook page on which she is quite active, and recently used it to announce that "in the name of Christ, [she] quits being a Christian" mainly because the Church can't stop bickering. I'd say she's right to do so.
And this brings me on to The Point. Christianity, over the years has actually been responsible fore more deaths than the holocaust. That's quite a scary fact. Religion in general, over the years has been responsible for more deaths than I care to work out or research. Pretty scary stuff. Any why is this? Most religions, if not all preach Love and Forgiveness. Great stuff, necessary stuff if humans want to coexist peacefully. So why do "Holy Wars" happen exactly? Thou shall not kill and all that?
If you ask me, Evangelism is the problem here. And I'm not pointing the finger at the Christians, they're just as bad as the rest of 'em. It's the idea that a certain Religion is "The One True Religion", that's the problem. Bollocks. If you ask me. Utter utter rubbish. Humans are individuals, what works for one individual may well not work at all for another. I, for example, would make an incredibly crap Muslim. The idea of wearing a headscarf rather collides with crash helmets and just wouldn't work. But to some women, it's a proud sign of modesty, and they wouldn't be without one. And That Is Fine. It does not mean I'm going to hell, and it does not mean they should take their headscarves off because I think crash helmets look nicer(!)
Fussing over details. That's all it boils down to, fussing and fighting over silly irrelevant details.
Mankind, for some reason, seems to need religion. If you look back over history it's always been there. I personally think it's a wonderful thing. It gives people a set of morals to adhere to, and a god to talk to if things go wrong. We as a race have some kind of innate desire to put a meaning to otherwise meaningless things. Death is the classic one. It can't possibly be random, because that would be too cruel. So religion gives us that reason. Death is not death, it is new life. Whether in the form of reincarnation, heaven or some other afterlife. It's my personal belief that we need this spirituality. Never mind that mankind has invented the whole damnded thing, it works for us. I don't ask exactly which oil rig my petrol came from when I put it in my bike, I know it works and so I'm not too fussed. In the same way I know some bloke made my religion up, but I know it works for me, so I'm not too fussed that he did!
The bottom line is that all religions are The One True Religion, for the individual practicing them. But that individual's next door neighbour might have a different One True Religion of their own. And for goodness sake, why exactly is that a problem?? Advertise by all means, but don't evangelise. At the very lowest level, it's downright annoying. At the highest, it kills people.
On another note...how silly will we all feel if we get to the pearly gates and Saint Peter turns round to us and says "Well, you're all bloody wrong, God's name is actually Bob and so you're all going to hell"
As you may or may not be aware, Anne Rice is the author of the fabulous Vampire Chronicles as well as some recent books on Christ and on Angels. (which I haven't yet read, but reviews say are just as good!) Her style of writing is fabulous and she's one of these few authors with the wonderful talent of creating a reality and transporting you there. Anyway, this lady is Catholic. She has a facebook page on which she is quite active, and recently used it to announce that "in the name of Christ, [she] quits being a Christian" mainly because the Church can't stop bickering. I'd say she's right to do so.
And this brings me on to The Point. Christianity, over the years has actually been responsible fore more deaths than the holocaust. That's quite a scary fact. Religion in general, over the years has been responsible for more deaths than I care to work out or research. Pretty scary stuff. Any why is this? Most religions, if not all preach Love and Forgiveness. Great stuff, necessary stuff if humans want to coexist peacefully. So why do "Holy Wars" happen exactly? Thou shall not kill and all that?
If you ask me, Evangelism is the problem here. And I'm not pointing the finger at the Christians, they're just as bad as the rest of 'em. It's the idea that a certain Religion is "The One True Religion", that's the problem. Bollocks. If you ask me. Utter utter rubbish. Humans are individuals, what works for one individual may well not work at all for another. I, for example, would make an incredibly crap Muslim. The idea of wearing a headscarf rather collides with crash helmets and just wouldn't work. But to some women, it's a proud sign of modesty, and they wouldn't be without one. And That Is Fine. It does not mean I'm going to hell, and it does not mean they should take their headscarves off because I think crash helmets look nicer(!)
Fussing over details. That's all it boils down to, fussing and fighting over silly irrelevant details.
Mankind, for some reason, seems to need religion. If you look back over history it's always been there. I personally think it's a wonderful thing. It gives people a set of morals to adhere to, and a god to talk to if things go wrong. We as a race have some kind of innate desire to put a meaning to otherwise meaningless things. Death is the classic one. It can't possibly be random, because that would be too cruel. So religion gives us that reason. Death is not death, it is new life. Whether in the form of reincarnation, heaven or some other afterlife. It's my personal belief that we need this spirituality. Never mind that mankind has invented the whole damnded thing, it works for us. I don't ask exactly which oil rig my petrol came from when I put it in my bike, I know it works and so I'm not too fussed. In the same way I know some bloke made my religion up, but I know it works for me, so I'm not too fussed that he did!
The bottom line is that all religions are The One True Religion, for the individual practicing them. But that individual's next door neighbour might have a different One True Religion of their own. And for goodness sake, why exactly is that a problem?? Advertise by all means, but don't evangelise. At the very lowest level, it's downright annoying. At the highest, it kills people.
On another note...how silly will we all feel if we get to the pearly gates and Saint Peter turns round to us and says "Well, you're all bloody wrong, God's name is actually Bob and so you're all going to hell"
The Story of Laverna
As promised, the story of Laverna. Written from memory, so it won't be in the original words, but should be pretty close! (I hope) The story is supposedly written by Virgil. It was one of many collected by american folklorist Charles Godfrey Leland. Supposedly told to him by a witch named Maddelina (isn't that a lovely name?) from Italy. The original of the story can be found in the beautiful "Aradia Gospel of the Witches" If you're in anyway interested in Paganism, or Witchcraft, or just folklore I'd really reccomend that little book. Mainly for the beautifully written poetic prayers to classical goddesses such as Diana, but also because it's only about 2 quid on amazon.
Laverna
The Esteemed poet and philosopher Virgil, on hearing a speech by a man without much interesting to say, was asked by another listener what he thought of it. To which he replied, "I could not tell whether it was all introduction, or all conclusion, much like the famous goddess Laverna, of whom we cannot be sure if she is all head, or all body." And so the listener pressed Virgil to tell him, who was this goddess Laverna of whom he'd never heard?
" The Goddess Laverna is the Roman Goddess of pickpockets and theives, and here is how she became such;
One day, Laverna disguised herself as the priestess of some goddess and went to a rich priest who owned a great estate. She told him she wished to purchase his estate to build a temple to her goddess and swore to him upon her head that she would pay him in full within a year. The priest agreed to these terms, and transferred the estate to Laverna. Who promptly sold everything off, there was 'not left wherwith to feed a fly'
[that line's a direct quote, not exactly proper english, but I do love that little phrase!]
Within a year, Laverna was nowhere to be seen!
At the same time, Laverna had also played this little trick on a Lord. She had gone to him to purchase a vast castle and grounds and sworn to him upon her body that she would pay in full within 6 months. Of course Laverna sold off everything within the castle, and once again there was not left wherewith to feed a fly!
The Lord and the Priest, on discovering they had been robbed by a goddess decided to appeal to the council of the gods, and Laverna was brought forward. To the charge of the Lord's that she had sworn upon her body to not pay, she did a wonderful trick and made her body disapear. The floating head said to the council, "Ah, he says I swore upon my body, but as you can see, I have no body, so I assuredly never swore such an oath!"
To the charge of the Priest she performed an equally excellent trick and made her head dissapear. There stood her body, and issuing from the neck was a voice which said "Ah, he says I swore upon my head, but as you can see, I have no head, so I assuredly never swore such an oath!"
The Gods were quite impressed by these little tricks, and had a good laugh at Laverna. Still, they ordered the head and body to join and Laverna to pay up her debts, which she did.
It was then the decision of the Gods that Laverna should become the goddess of all the pickpockets, theives and riff raff of society, as they were without gods, and Laverna was a rougeish Goddess without worshipers."
Lovely isn't it?
Laverna
The Esteemed poet and philosopher Virgil, on hearing a speech by a man without much interesting to say, was asked by another listener what he thought of it. To which he replied, "I could not tell whether it was all introduction, or all conclusion, much like the famous goddess Laverna, of whom we cannot be sure if she is all head, or all body." And so the listener pressed Virgil to tell him, who was this goddess Laverna of whom he'd never heard?
" The Goddess Laverna is the Roman Goddess of pickpockets and theives, and here is how she became such;
One day, Laverna disguised herself as the priestess of some goddess and went to a rich priest who owned a great estate. She told him she wished to purchase his estate to build a temple to her goddess and swore to him upon her head that she would pay him in full within a year. The priest agreed to these terms, and transferred the estate to Laverna. Who promptly sold everything off, there was 'not left wherwith to feed a fly'
[that line's a direct quote, not exactly proper english, but I do love that little phrase!]
Within a year, Laverna was nowhere to be seen!
At the same time, Laverna had also played this little trick on a Lord. She had gone to him to purchase a vast castle and grounds and sworn to him upon her body that she would pay in full within 6 months. Of course Laverna sold off everything within the castle, and once again there was not left wherewith to feed a fly!
The Lord and the Priest, on discovering they had been robbed by a goddess decided to appeal to the council of the gods, and Laverna was brought forward. To the charge of the Lord's that she had sworn upon her body to not pay, she did a wonderful trick and made her body disapear. The floating head said to the council, "Ah, he says I swore upon my body, but as you can see, I have no body, so I assuredly never swore such an oath!"
To the charge of the Priest she performed an equally excellent trick and made her head dissapear. There stood her body, and issuing from the neck was a voice which said "Ah, he says I swore upon my head, but as you can see, I have no head, so I assuredly never swore such an oath!"
The Gods were quite impressed by these little tricks, and had a good laugh at Laverna. Still, they ordered the head and body to join and Laverna to pay up her debts, which she did.
It was then the decision of the Gods that Laverna should become the goddess of all the pickpockets, theives and riff raff of society, as they were without gods, and Laverna was a rougeish Goddess without worshipers."
Lovely isn't it?
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