Brace yourselves...I of course have something controversial to say, and it will probably offend a high number of people.
But of course, that's life!
Well, I do have a point of view to offer on the student protests, but before I get onto that, let's get right back to the basics. What's the point of further education? What's uni actually for?
Well, the answer depends on what you're studying. If you're studying, for example, Law, the chances are you're doing so with the aim or becoming a lawyer. One of the Sciences? Maybe going into research. Or maybe you want to teach? For which you can study just about any subject you like and then teach it. And of course the teaching qualification itself can be achieved on the job, once you've got the initial degree in the subject. (Just a side note, I think that is a fabulous idea by the way, and will make for much better teachers. They'll also get experience and have people on hand to offer advice who have been doing the job for ages. As we all know, good teachers make the world of difference to children and seem to be quite a rare breed!)
So university is a means to an end, its a way of gaining the qualifications you need to work in your chosen field. Bottom line, you go to uni to get a job. Or maybe you're lucky enough to have been blessed with a rich daddy? In which case you go to uni for the hell of it because daddy's paying up front for the whole thing. This makes you a jammy git. But a fortunate jammy git nonetheless.
So you're either studying because you can afford to do so, or because once you've become qualified you'll be able to afford to do so, and will pay it back.
Of course there's the other school of thought, the one I totally disagree with. You're at uni because you don't know what else to do. You're "not sure what you want to do with your life". Or as I like to look at it, because it's a free ride and you don't yet fancy getting a real job.
Jog on mate! Welcome to the real world! Universities are not for getting a degree in alcohol consumption!
University is wonderful if you use it, it's simply a surefire way of contracting a huge debt if you abuse it.
So personally, I don't think these students have a leg to stand on, the genuine ones and the freeloaders included. There's no such thing as a free lunch guys. The Labour government might have liked for us to all think so, but the Labour government clearly made a cock up of that one. If the moneys not there its not there, there's not a lot anyone can do about that. Things have got to go, and subsidised uni fees is a great place to start.
University is a choice. It's not compulsory. There are other options out there. If you have your heart set on a profession like medicine for example, then yes, go to uni and best of luck to you. But accept the fact that you chose to do so, and will therefore have to pay for it.
If you don't have a profession in mind at all, how about doing things the old fashioned way? Start at the bottom and work your way up. As an employer (albeit a very small one!) I know that employers in most industries prefer experience over qualifications. (Not in all cases, but as a general rule it rings true) Even having spent the last few years working on the tills at Tesco will result in an improved chance of getting a better job than some degrees will! And working on the tills in Tesco doesn't result in thousands of pounds of debt...
There is also one crucial point that a lots of these protesters seemed to have missed however. They government have also upped the earning threshold for repayment of student loans. You now need to be earning a lot more before you even need to start paying your student loan back. So the scroungers who appear to be whining the loudest will be the last to be affected anyway! Do your homework guys...
Just incase you're wondering, no, I didn't go to uni. I don't even have a-levels. I got my childhood education at school same as everyone else, but I got the rest of my education myself, in my spare time. I intend to further that with an open university degree in something I enjoy like Classics one day when I can afford to do so, just for fun! But I have been working since the age of 15 and in my early 20s I can now boast my own house, a business I run, an 8 grand bike and a car. And no tens of thousands of pounds of debts.
There are other options, and honestly, they're not that bad. I have plenty of friends in very similar situations to me who managed wonderfully without uni too.
Except the Best Friend, who is managing wonderfully at uni, studying to become a teacher, and will probably ring me up to give me an enormous bollocking when she reads this...
Thursday 25 November 2010
Sunday 21 November 2010
Email Subscriptions
Another new blogging gadget!
Have added an email subscription option.
If, like me, RSS and Atom feeds and feed-reading thingumys make very little sense and you would like receive posts the old-fashioned way, you now can! To get a nice simple un-confusing email containing new posts, just click the link over on the right hand side under the photo and pop in your email address!
For those of you currently on the old email subscription list, you will shortly recieve an activation email. I promise it's not junk, and it will not result in emails attempting to sell you insurance, or double glazing or anything silly! It's just me. Click the link in it and you will be switched over to the new email subscriptions. To be honest, it won't actually change anything for you...it will just save me some work! :)
Have added an email subscription option.
If, like me, RSS and Atom feeds and feed-reading thingumys make very little sense and you would like receive posts the old-fashioned way, you now can! To get a nice simple un-confusing email containing new posts, just click the link over on the right hand side under the photo and pop in your email address!
For those of you currently on the old email subscription list, you will shortly recieve an activation email. I promise it's not junk, and it will not result in emails attempting to sell you insurance, or double glazing or anything silly! It's just me. Click the link in it and you will be switched over to the new email subscriptions. To be honest, it won't actually change anything for you...it will just save me some work! :)
Saturday 20 November 2010
The 2011 ZX10R...which is actually a BMW
Well I've seen the official promo video for the new Ninja now (youtube it here) and I'm not too impressed...
So I'm happily watching the vid, which starts off well enough. The headlights are pretty for one, which is obviously very important!! All looks good so far, colour schemes not quite as dreadful as the 2010 600 (here), which is a bonus. The voiceover is happily chattering away about it being an advanced track tool, being very fast, good suspension, new frame, yada yada yada, Then the bombshell drops; new traction control system.
Traction control?? On a motorcycle? Recipe for disaster. Anything which takes control away from the rider and gives it to a computer can't be good. Trust me. I have a laptop. And it came with Windows XP. I have lost count of the amount of times it has frozen and decided it doesn't fancy working for half an hour or so!! Now imagine that happening whilst sitting on top of a 186mph internal combustion engine with two wheels...
Now, they do redeem themselves slightly when they mention the power increase to 200bhp, however all hope is once again shattered by three little letters.
A.B.S.
Anti-Lock Braking System. That clever little gadget capable of turning your brakes off just when you need them most. Because the computer, which obviously knows better, thinks you're just about to enter a skid. Well, let me tell you now, (and I speak from experience here) a controlled skid is a damn sight better than smashing into the car who's just pulled out in front of you!!
And the icing on the cake? Three "Power Modes". I'm sure there are some hi-tech names for them, but I shall make life easier and refer to them as "Normal", "Pussy" and "Total Pussy". Pointless little gadget! Why buy a 1000cc Sportsbike and then push a button to turn it into a 250cc runaround?? I'm sure Kawasaki have some clever marketing jargon about "Total Pussy" mode being for riding in the rain, or something similar. Nonsense! If you're considering buying a 1000cc Sportsbike, chances are you've got the common sense to show a little right hand restraint and ride it carefully if its raining! Because if you haven't, pussy mode or no pussy mode, you're not going to stay upright on it very long...
So, my consumer advice regarding the 2011 ZX10R would be; buy a BMW. Then paint it green. Beemer have been strapping those silly gadgets to their bikes for ages, so may well have got the hang of making them almost work by now.
Alternatively, buy a proper bike. Like the 2009 ZX6R. Not a computer with wheels!!
Saturday 13 November 2010
My Dream about a ZX10 was a Sign!!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some breathtaking news...
My insurance company are gods. They have agreed to insure me on a ZX10 for an shockingly reasonable price...
Therefore I shall toddle on down to my local kwaka dealer and take a test drive!!
Due to me being vertically challenged and this bike being taller than my previous one, (which was a bit too tall for me anyway) I would advise all drivers in the London area to refrain from leaving their houses and to stay off the road next thursday...!!
Oohh!! So excited!! :)
I really hope I like the bike itself...because I love the new colour scheme...
My insurance company are gods. They have agreed to insure me on a ZX10 for an shockingly reasonable price...
Therefore I shall toddle on down to my local kwaka dealer and take a test drive!!
Due to me being vertically challenged and this bike being taller than my previous one, (which was a bit too tall for me anyway) I would advise all drivers in the London area to refrain from leaving their houses and to stay off the road next thursday...!!
Oohh!! So excited!! :)
I really hope I like the bike itself...because I love the new colour scheme...
Thursday 11 November 2010
Time for a Rant...about Burning Poppies
Burning Poppies?? Burning Bloody Poppies??? What are they trying to do? Get themselves stabbed by skinheads??
Bloody Idiots.
Apparently a group of 10-50 (the papers can't agree, I'm guessing 20 or so) Islam4Uk pillocks thought burning a poppy or two during the two minutes silence would be a great way to stop the war in Afganistan. Yeah, okay then, because that's what it's going to take to stop the war. Not, ooh I don't know, negotiation and democracy. Nope, that won't work. Burning a poppy or two will definatly do it. Of course, Mr C is going to take one look at your flaming poppy and say "Oh gosh! This is serious, we better bring our troops home!" Yep, 'course he is! Bloody Idiots.
Fab bit of advertising for the rest of Islam too, isn't it? "Hey guys! Support our religion! We hate you and refuse to respect the 2 minutes silence!" Yep, brilliant.
So, what have these few complete twats actually achieved?
> The vast majority of actual Muslims will take the fall for this. There's bound to be more Racism as a result.
> The BNP will have a field day. They may even burn a few teddy bears called Mohammed. That's going to make for great race relations now isn't it??
> These idiots will probably get themselves hunted down, and murdered by skinheads. And then The Sun really will have something to get righteously indignant about!
Lock 'em up under the terrorism act, for goodness sake, either lock 'em up or ship them off to help with the war they're so concerned about, let them have their protests over there.
ENGLAND ISN'T INTERESTED IN YOUR EXTREMISM.
Honest, it really isn't. For goodness sake, take it elsewhere. Or better still, get over it!
Poppy Day is about the end of WW1, it is not, nor has it ever been, about Religion.
That's like advertising Life Insurance in Graveyards.
Completely Inappropriate.
Rant over. Thank you for listening!!
Bloody Idiots.
Apparently a group of 10-50 (the papers can't agree, I'm guessing 20 or so) Islam4Uk pillocks thought burning a poppy or two during the two minutes silence would be a great way to stop the war in Afganistan. Yeah, okay then, because that's what it's going to take to stop the war. Not, ooh I don't know, negotiation and democracy. Nope, that won't work. Burning a poppy or two will definatly do it. Of course, Mr C is going to take one look at your flaming poppy and say "Oh gosh! This is serious, we better bring our troops home!" Yep, 'course he is! Bloody Idiots.Fab bit of advertising for the rest of Islam too, isn't it? "Hey guys! Support our religion! We hate you and refuse to respect the 2 minutes silence!" Yep, brilliant.
So, what have these few complete twats actually achieved?
> The vast majority of actual Muslims will take the fall for this. There's bound to be more Racism as a result.
> The BNP will have a field day. They may even burn a few teddy bears called Mohammed. That's going to make for great race relations now isn't it??
> These idiots will probably get themselves hunted down, and murdered by skinheads. And then The Sun really will have something to get righteously indignant about!
Lock 'em up under the terrorism act, for goodness sake, either lock 'em up or ship them off to help with the war they're so concerned about, let them have their protests over there.
ENGLAND ISN'T INTERESTED IN YOUR EXTREMISM.
Honest, it really isn't. For goodness sake, take it elsewhere. Or better still, get over it!
Poppy Day is about the end of WW1, it is not, nor has it ever been, about Religion.
That's like advertising Life Insurance in Graveyards.
Completely Inappropriate.
Rant over. Thank you for listening!!
The Most Dangerous Thing in the World
So what do you suppose is the most Dangerous and Frightening thing in the whole world?
This Mosquito?
She is an Anopheles Albimanus Mosquito, otherwise known to you and I as the little bugger who carries Malaria.
This Snake?
The Dendroaspis Polylepis, otherwise known as the Black Mamba. If you've seen Kill Bill, you'll recognise it. If you haven't, this is the snake with one of the fastest acting known Venoms.
This Racetrack?
Yep, that would be the Nurburgring. Supposedly the most dangerous race track in Europe. I couldn't find any stats, funnily enough the Ring owners don't like them being published... But there is at least one crash there a day. *
Nope, the most Dangerous and Frightening thing in the world is...
...This little bastard!!
*Side note about the Ring;
To be fair, I found the track itself really isn't that bad. The surface is not as bumpy as everyone says, it's better than the majority of British roads!! But I did go there on a private day (my bike club only), not a public day, so I'm not the best judge. On a public day, I'm guessing the main danger is the other numptys on it. Click this link for some useful advice if you fancy taking a trip there yourself. This guy's done 51 trips to the ring, so he's a little more qualified to talk about it than I am having only been once.
This Mosquito?She is an Anopheles Albimanus Mosquito, otherwise known to you and I as the little bugger who carries Malaria.
This Snake?The Dendroaspis Polylepis, otherwise known as the Black Mamba. If you've seen Kill Bill, you'll recognise it. If you haven't, this is the snake with one of the fastest acting known Venoms.
This Racetrack?Yep, that would be the Nurburgring. Supposedly the most dangerous race track in Europe. I couldn't find any stats, funnily enough the Ring owners don't like them being published... But there is at least one crash there a day. *
Nope, the most Dangerous and Frightening thing in the world is...
...This little bastard!!Yes, that would be a ten year old Ford Ka. And when it is doing 115mph downhill on a dual carriageway, in the rain, on budget tyres, with dodgy tracking, overtaking a lorry, and the steering goes light; that, my friends, is The Most Dangerous Thing in the World!!
Lesson Learnt.
God I need my bike back!!
Lesson Learnt.
God I need my bike back!!
*Side note about the Ring;
To be fair, I found the track itself really isn't that bad. The surface is not as bumpy as everyone says, it's better than the majority of British roads!! But I did go there on a private day (my bike club only), not a public day, so I'm not the best judge. On a public day, I'm guessing the main danger is the other numptys on it. Click this link for some useful advice if you fancy taking a trip there yourself. This guy's done 51 trips to the ring, so he's a little more qualified to talk about it than I am having only been once.
Wednesday 10 November 2010
My Theory was on QI!!
Well, I say "My Theory", but that's not strictly true...
It's the "Cat and Toast" theory. Which I personally think is completely fabulous! I was told it when I was quite little, and it's one of those things which has stuck with me.
The "Cat and Toast" Theory
As everyone knows, should you accidentally drop a slice of buttered toast, it will land butter side down. This is due to Murphy's 4th law of Physics, colloquially known as Sod's Law.
Also, should you push a cat off a kitchen work surface, it will land on it's feet. Because cats do that, as everyone knows, they always land on their feet.
So, should you strap a piece of toast, butter side up, to the back of a cat and then push it off a work surface, theoretically the opposing forces should cause the cat to hover in mid air just above the floor.
Condensing this slightly, it should also be theoretically possible to simply butter the back of the cat itself and push it off the work surface, again resulting in a hovering cat...
Tuesday 9 November 2010
Moll Flanders
...and why you should read it.
It's set in the 1600s, however the language is not too 1600s-y, it's still nice and accessible to the modern reader, so don't let that put you off.
The story itself is fabulous! Moll is an orphan, born in Newgate Prison. She is first taken in to a respectable family as an act of charity, where she gains a very good education and finally marries one of the sons. (After she's been mistress to the other son for some time.)
The rest of the story very colourfully describes how Moll survives as a woman alone in London after the death of this first husband. She marries for money, becomes a mistress several times, does a bit of pick-pocketing, shoplifts, works as a con-artist and many other things!
I don't want to spoil the story, but needless to say, Moll eventually ends up back in Newgate, as a prisoner this time, when she is finally caught.
My little penguin copy says on the back;
"Five times married, a whore and a thief, her business is survival - and survive she does, both a prisoner and a manipulator of her circumstances, whose timely spiritual regeneration in prison, she tells us, is the best part of the story."
Trust me, read it, it's fab! Think Oliver Twist meets Joanna Trollope.
Download it free from Project Gutenberg here.
(You can also read it online, it's out of copywrite hence why you can get it for free!)
It's set in the 1600s, however the language is not too 1600s-y, it's still nice and accessible to the modern reader, so don't let that put you off.
The story itself is fabulous! Moll is an orphan, born in Newgate Prison. She is first taken in to a respectable family as an act of charity, where she gains a very good education and finally marries one of the sons. (After she's been mistress to the other son for some time.)
The rest of the story very colourfully describes how Moll survives as a woman alone in London after the death of this first husband. She marries for money, becomes a mistress several times, does a bit of pick-pocketing, shoplifts, works as a con-artist and many other things!
I don't want to spoil the story, but needless to say, Moll eventually ends up back in Newgate, as a prisoner this time, when she is finally caught.
My little penguin copy says on the back;
"Five times married, a whore and a thief, her business is survival - and survive she does, both a prisoner and a manipulator of her circumstances, whose timely spiritual regeneration in prison, she tells us, is the best part of the story."
Trust me, read it, it's fab! Think Oliver Twist meets Joanna Trollope.
Download it free from Project Gutenberg here.
(You can also read it online, it's out of copywrite hence why you can get it for free!)
"I Have a Dream"
Well, actually, I had one. Last night. And it was fabulous!
I dreamt that I had bought a concourse MG Roadster for £500!! (The proper wire-wheeled 60's one, not the naff post 70's one with the horrible rubber bumpers)
Then, just as I was walking back round to my house after parking my shiny new roadster, I saw a 2010 Ninja, a ZX10, with the keys in it. It had be left for me as a present from the bike theives who took mine!
If only dreams could come true...
I dreamt that I had bought a concourse MG Roadster for £500!! (The proper wire-wheeled 60's one, not the naff post 70's one with the horrible rubber bumpers)
Then, just as I was walking back round to my house after parking my shiny new roadster, I saw a 2010 Ninja, a ZX10, with the keys in it. It had be left for me as a present from the bike theives who took mine!
If only dreams could come true...
Monday 8 November 2010
The Manifesto
Just realised the previous post (Christie's Cut-Out-And-Keep Guide to Who to Vote For in General Elections) refers to "The Manifesto", so for continuity, thought I'd better dig it up from the depths of my laptop and post my manifesto...
If I were Dictator....
1. Old people would not be allowed to drive on a sunday, no more sunday drivers!!
2. There would be a nationwide minimum speed limit of 60mph, and we would finally put the gatsos to good use catching dangerous people who "slow".
3. Caravans would be illegal.
4. Lorries would not be allowed to drive during hours of daylight. (Can't ban them altogether, they supply tescos, where I shop.)
5. My foreign policy would be amazing. No speak-a de lingo, no bloody coming in. (That's foreign for "speak the language" you know....)
6. Motorcycle licenses would be mandatory.
7. The restricted motorcycle licence would be illegal, no more restrictions thankyou very much!!
8. The NHS would only be free if you were accidently injured/ill. If you got pissed and got in a fight, or you're a chav, you'd have to pay for treatment!
9. My education policy would be fabulous. No more teaching kids pointless crap. The curriculum would consist of usefull stuff, like maths, english, how to change a tyre, engineering, design (not fashion, that's pointless) and for boys, how to use a bloody washing machine!! etc etc. No more cookery lessons, it's down to the parents to teach kids to cook!
10. Fashion would be illegal if it's ridiculous. See through ponchos? Whats the point?
11. Shops would not be allowed to open on a sunday. Anywhere. Or on Christmas day. The penalty would be death.
12. The prison system would get a complete overhall! No more "life" sentances that last 10 years! That's not life, its 10 years, it should be called a 10 year sentance. The punishment will now fit the crime. So thieves, you'll get the hand(s) you stole with chopped off, rapists, paedos etc, you're looking to lose a lot, hands, bits, eyes and a tatoo that says "pervert" on your forehead for good measure. Oooh, pluss the death sentance. Benefit fraud? You're looking at an unpaid community service as a sewer cleaner, every £1 you steal will cost you one day down there with your toothbrush :).
13. Over crowded prisons? Not a problem. Welcome back death row, goodbye locked up murderers.
14. Unemployment. Those unemployed and with no good reason to be unemployed, (disabled, ill, single mum, etc are exempt from this of course, they have a good reason) you can either get a job, or my government will give you a job, as a sewer cleaner, on £3 an hour. Mandatory.
15. The Spice Girls will not be permitted to have any more reunions.
16. Iron Maiden will be part of music lessons in schools.
17. Global Warming will be a legal requirement. Hotter summers? Colder winters? So you mean less rain, more bikinis and actual real life snow? The kind you can ski on? Yes please!
18. Roadworks will take a maximum of 24 hours to complete, or all workers will be shot and fed to the lions at london zoo. Can't do it in 24 hours? Get more staff!!!
19. Police will actually do more of the job they're paid to do. There are no more "dangerous" "speeding" motorists to catch, and the gatsos will take care of inconsiderate, dangerous drivers who "slow". So the good Old Bill can spend their time nicking real criminals, murderers, fraudsters, and motorcycle thieves.* 45mins to turn up to a motorcycle theft?? From the local station? Which is 10 mins from my house??? What did you all do? Push the bloody meatwagon!!!
20. No more police getting penalised for how they drive, (which means thay can drive faster) it's called rapid response driving and the idea is to be rapid. They're well trained, leave them alone. That way thay might actually catch some bike thieves!
21. The penalty for stealing a motorcycle will be death.
22. God I'm on a roll!
23. If the police accidently shoot a running man with a rucksack instead of a terrorist, tough. Occupational hazard. All terrorists MUST be shot on sight, and no, you're not getting 72 bloody virgins! You gullable fools!!
24. The London Tube will be 24 hour and WILL run on time, or the drivers (or whoever happens to be responsible) will be fired.
25. Bikes will be able to use bus lanes.
26. All london taxi drivers (Species: Blackus Cabbus) will undergo an eye test!!!
27. Anyone, anywhere who works for health and safety will be fired.
28. The Sun newspaper will be illegal
29. All other newspapers must refer to me as: "The new Maggie Thatcher, only not as ugly"
30. When the national anthem is played, everyone WILL sing along and WILL know ALL the words because God Save the Queen will be part of my new curriculum, and all those who do not know it will be required to learn it! The penalty for not knowing God Save the Queen is learning the words to, and singing, something by the spice girls.
And I'm done. Vote for me, it will be amazing.
* Yes, I have had a bike stolen before, but fortunately we caught the little buggers and got it back!!
(By the way, let's not take this seriously now, the chances of me getting in to government are on par with the chances of Her Majesty the Queen taking pole dancing lessons...)
If I were Dictator....
1. Old people would not be allowed to drive on a sunday, no more sunday drivers!!
2. There would be a nationwide minimum speed limit of 60mph, and we would finally put the gatsos to good use catching dangerous people who "slow".
3. Caravans would be illegal.
4. Lorries would not be allowed to drive during hours of daylight. (Can't ban them altogether, they supply tescos, where I shop.)
5. My foreign policy would be amazing. No speak-a de lingo, no bloody coming in. (That's foreign for "speak the language" you know....)
6. Motorcycle licenses would be mandatory.
7. The restricted motorcycle licence would be illegal, no more restrictions thankyou very much!!
8. The NHS would only be free if you were accidently injured/ill. If you got pissed and got in a fight, or you're a chav, you'd have to pay for treatment!
9. My education policy would be fabulous. No more teaching kids pointless crap. The curriculum would consist of usefull stuff, like maths, english, how to change a tyre, engineering, design (not fashion, that's pointless) and for boys, how to use a bloody washing machine!! etc etc. No more cookery lessons, it's down to the parents to teach kids to cook!
10. Fashion would be illegal if it's ridiculous. See through ponchos? Whats the point?
11. Shops would not be allowed to open on a sunday. Anywhere. Or on Christmas day. The penalty would be death.
12. The prison system would get a complete overhall! No more "life" sentances that last 10 years! That's not life, its 10 years, it should be called a 10 year sentance. The punishment will now fit the crime. So thieves, you'll get the hand(s) you stole with chopped off, rapists, paedos etc, you're looking to lose a lot, hands, bits, eyes and a tatoo that says "pervert" on your forehead for good measure. Oooh, pluss the death sentance. Benefit fraud? You're looking at an unpaid community service as a sewer cleaner, every £1 you steal will cost you one day down there with your toothbrush :).
13. Over crowded prisons? Not a problem. Welcome back death row, goodbye locked up murderers.
14. Unemployment. Those unemployed and with no good reason to be unemployed, (disabled, ill, single mum, etc are exempt from this of course, they have a good reason) you can either get a job, or my government will give you a job, as a sewer cleaner, on £3 an hour. Mandatory.
15. The Spice Girls will not be permitted to have any more reunions.
16. Iron Maiden will be part of music lessons in schools.
17. Global Warming will be a legal requirement. Hotter summers? Colder winters? So you mean less rain, more bikinis and actual real life snow? The kind you can ski on? Yes please!
18. Roadworks will take a maximum of 24 hours to complete, or all workers will be shot and fed to the lions at london zoo. Can't do it in 24 hours? Get more staff!!!
19. Police will actually do more of the job they're paid to do. There are no more "dangerous" "speeding" motorists to catch, and the gatsos will take care of inconsiderate, dangerous drivers who "slow". So the good Old Bill can spend their time nicking real criminals, murderers, fraudsters, and motorcycle thieves.* 45mins to turn up to a motorcycle theft?? From the local station? Which is 10 mins from my house??? What did you all do? Push the bloody meatwagon!!!
20. No more police getting penalised for how they drive, (which means thay can drive faster) it's called rapid response driving and the idea is to be rapid. They're well trained, leave them alone. That way thay might actually catch some bike thieves!
21. The penalty for stealing a motorcycle will be death.
22. God I'm on a roll!
23. If the police accidently shoot a running man with a rucksack instead of a terrorist, tough. Occupational hazard. All terrorists MUST be shot on sight, and no, you're not getting 72 bloody virgins! You gullable fools!!
24. The London Tube will be 24 hour and WILL run on time, or the drivers (or whoever happens to be responsible) will be fired.
25. Bikes will be able to use bus lanes.
26. All london taxi drivers (Species: Blackus Cabbus) will undergo an eye test!!!
27. Anyone, anywhere who works for health and safety will be fired.
28. The Sun newspaper will be illegal
29. All other newspapers must refer to me as: "The new Maggie Thatcher, only not as ugly"
30. When the national anthem is played, everyone WILL sing along and WILL know ALL the words because God Save the Queen will be part of my new curriculum, and all those who do not know it will be required to learn it! The penalty for not knowing God Save the Queen is learning the words to, and singing, something by the spice girls.
And I'm done. Vote for me, it will be amazing.
* Yes, I have had a bike stolen before, but fortunately we caught the little buggers and got it back!!
(By the way, let's not take this seriously now, the chances of me getting in to government are on par with the chances of Her Majesty the Queen taking pole dancing lessons...)
Christie's Cut-Out-And-Keep Guide to Who to Vote For in General Elections
Here is something a bit fun I found on my laptop! It's slightly out of date, but it may once again be useful one day! And it's quite funny, so I thought I would post it...
-
The Guide
I have a new hobby...brace yourselves, my new hobby is... Politics! And I figured I could put my new hobby to some good use.
Politics, lets face it, is confusing. An manifestos? Boring as hell. And those televised debates we've had, well, the one ages ago with the BNP guy in was far more entertaining really...
But my new hobby has allowed me to have some very interesting debates with a few people, and I've gathered an awful lot of (probably highly inaccurate) political knowledge along the way, so to save people who cant be bothered to wade through boring manifestos, I've put together a handy Cut-out-and-keep guide to politics!
So Ladies and Gentelemen, here you have it...
THE FACTS
(sort of, well probably not actually, maybe "loosely based on the facts" would be a better title)
Cons:
> The guy has clearly had cosmetic surgery. trust me, I know botox when I see it. Do we really want a man vain enough to stoop to such a level running our country??
> Everyone thinks he's going to be just as bad as Maggie Thatcher*. Personaly, I don't actually know who that is. But apparently it's a con. And it makes me sound like I know my history to be able to bring it up in conversation.
> Apparently the guy is a bit of a reverse Robin Hood. And he intends to rob the poor to feed the rich. This, however, does not apply to me, as I intend to one day marry a millionaire!
Political People Number 2: The Ugly Guy
(you know, that silly fella thats been making a mess of things for the past few years)
Pros:
> "Better the Devil You Know" Let's face it, politicians in general are very good at making a mess of things, at least we know exactly what kind of mess this one will make, because we've seen him make it before.
> He intends to keep the benefit system just the way it is. Which is great if you like your free money. but I suppose, on a slightly more sensible note, it means he won't go messing with people that genuinely need benefits.
> I like the name of his gang. Labour. It sounds very british and coal-minery. Labour. Labour. makes me think of pints of bitter and national pride. But then the BNP also make me think of pints of bitter and national pride (amongst other things!) so don't take my word on it!
Cons:
> He looks a lot like a bulldog. Very flappy-skinny. Not particularly easy on the eyes.
> He's clearly overdue for a mid-life crisis and a nervous breakdown. You can see it in his eyes. You just know he's soon gonna start spending all our taxpayers money on fast cars and hookers, then cocaine, then rehab. Not a good prospect...
> His head is almost as far up americas arse as the last guys was. Almost, but not quite. And I really don't like americans.
Political People Number 3: The Plain Looking Guy
(You know, the one in the middle, the proverbial "other guy")
Pros:
> And another sensible one to start with. He intends to raise the income tax threshold to 10K. In english, if you earn less than 10K you'll get to keep all your dosh. This should make the ancient culinary art of book-cooking a lot easier.
> He's insanely energetic and enthusiastic when you hear him talk. Bordering on coke-problem energetic. If he does have a coke problem, it's probably not a good thing, but at least it will make things a bit more interesting, and give The Sun something new to write about. It's about time we caught some more MPs with apples in their mouths and their trousers round their ankles so we can have a good old giggle.
> {insert next pro here} Um, I havent really been paying too much attention to him, as his voice irritates me a bit after a while. So I'm afraid you'll have to think of your own third pro, suggestions on a postcard please! :)
Cons:
> Well, this is actually a pretty serious one. He intends to cut the defence budget and get rid of a few of our nukes. As anyone who knows me will tell you, I love Classical History, and I'm a firm believer in looking to the past for advice on the future, based on the fact that History has a tendancy to repeat itself. With this theory in mind, we are well overdue for our next Hitler. And the chances are our next Hitler will have nukes. And then where will we be? Well, in the immortal words of Tommy in Snatch; "Proper Fucked"
> He has no posters. How can we vote for a man with no posters?? That's just silly!
> He has some lovely fluffy ideas, but has failed to mention entirely where he intends to get the money from to fund them. In my personal opinion, I believe he secretly intends to invade Switzerland and take over the bank of Zurich. I'm all for world domination and rebuilding the British Empire an all that, but of course the problem arises when Switzerland have nukes and we don't...
To see where we will end up if this happens, please refer to my previous quote from Tommy
Political Peoples Numbers 4, 5 & 6:The Others
Just a quick guide to the silly people.
The BNP
Pros: Their logo has a Union Flag on it and is very pretty.
Cons: They are idiots.
UKIP
Pros: They want to pull out of the European Union, and stop giving decisions to people in Brussels.
Cons: They're basically the BNP with better hidden racism.
The Monster Raving Looney Party:
Pros: Their leader was called Screaming Lord Sutch. That's just cool.
Cons: They don't exist anymore, otherwise they would sooo have my vote!
My Conclusion
So, there you have it. The "Facts" in a quick easy reference guide! To summarise, here is my recommendation:
Vote for The Big Shiny Face Guy if you want a leader who is easy on the eyes and will print amusing posters.
Vote for The Ugly Guy if you don't fancy someone new cocking things up in a whole new way and you're happy to let him continue cocking things up in a nice familiar manner.
Vote for The Plain Looking Guy if you want someone who will do wonders for the taxpayer, but ultimately get us blown up by Switzerland
Vote for one of The Others if you are currently under the influence of alcohol or other mind altering substances.
Hope this helps! Comments and suggestions are welcome!
Disclaimer:
My views are probably nonsense and may seriously harm our country if taken seriously. Please have bucket of salt to hand when reading this handy Cut-out-and-keep guide.
Footnote:
* By the way, I do know who Maggie Thatcher is now, and have done for some time. God bless Wikipedia! However, I haven't yet fully researched why everyone hated her, so I shall show some incredible restraint and refrain from commenting until I have!
-
The Guide
I have a new hobby...brace yourselves, my new hobby is... Politics! And I figured I could put my new hobby to some good use.
Politics, lets face it, is confusing. An manifestos? Boring as hell. And those televised debates we've had, well, the one ages ago with the BNP guy in was far more entertaining really...
But my new hobby has allowed me to have some very interesting debates with a few people, and I've gathered an awful lot of (probably highly inaccurate) political knowledge along the way, so to save people who cant be bothered to wade through boring manifestos, I've put together a handy Cut-out-and-keep guide to politics!
So Ladies and Gentelemen, here you have it...
THE FACTS
(sort of, well probably not actually, maybe "loosely based on the facts" would be a better title)
Political People Number 1: The Guy With The Big Shiny Face
(You know, the one thats got those posters with more airbrushing than Jordan could shake a stick at)
Pros:
> Lets start with a sensible one, he has obviously read my manifesto. Clearly. He reckons we should scrap the benefit system (the bit where people can get free money they really don't deserve) and bring in this compulsory jobs thingumy. Where insead of benefits, people do community service type jobs and get paid the same as they would get in benefits. Sounds a lot like my idea of giving people mandatory communinty service as a sewer cleaner on £3 an hour.
> He is much better looking than the other two. Which is a good thing. Lets face it, we will have to spend an awful lot of time looking at picture of our new boss's ugly mug. So we should take this point into consideration and choose the person with the mug which is easiest on the eyes.
> They intend to "give teachers more power to administer disipline in schools" however, they haven't actually bothered to mention what kind of power. But I'm taking this to mean teachers are once again restored their god-given right to throw board wipers and other stationairy items at noisy kids. This will result in the other kids having some really funny stories to tell about their angry teachers down the pub when they grow up. Resulting in much amusement for all. Believe me, this is a pro. I've heard some of these stroies and they really are classic!
Cons:
> The guy has clearly had cosmetic surgery. trust me, I know botox when I see it. Do we really want a man vain enough to stoop to such a level running our country??
> Everyone thinks he's going to be just as bad as Maggie Thatcher*. Personaly, I don't actually know who that is. But apparently it's a con. And it makes me sound like I know my history to be able to bring it up in conversation.
> Apparently the guy is a bit of a reverse Robin Hood. And he intends to rob the poor to feed the rich. This, however, does not apply to me, as I intend to one day marry a millionaire!
Political People Number 2: The Ugly Guy
(you know, that silly fella thats been making a mess of things for the past few years)
Pros:
> "Better the Devil You Know" Let's face it, politicians in general are very good at making a mess of things, at least we know exactly what kind of mess this one will make, because we've seen him make it before.
> He intends to keep the benefit system just the way it is. Which is great if you like your free money. but I suppose, on a slightly more sensible note, it means he won't go messing with people that genuinely need benefits.
> I like the name of his gang. Labour. It sounds very british and coal-minery. Labour. Labour. makes me think of pints of bitter and national pride. But then the BNP also make me think of pints of bitter and national pride (amongst other things!) so don't take my word on it!
Cons:
> He looks a lot like a bulldog. Very flappy-skinny. Not particularly easy on the eyes.
> He's clearly overdue for a mid-life crisis and a nervous breakdown. You can see it in his eyes. You just know he's soon gonna start spending all our taxpayers money on fast cars and hookers, then cocaine, then rehab. Not a good prospect...
> His head is almost as far up americas arse as the last guys was. Almost, but not quite. And I really don't like americans.
Political People Number 3: The Plain Looking Guy
(You know, the one in the middle, the proverbial "other guy")
Pros:
> And another sensible one to start with. He intends to raise the income tax threshold to 10K. In english, if you earn less than 10K you'll get to keep all your dosh. This should make the ancient culinary art of book-cooking a lot easier.
> He's insanely energetic and enthusiastic when you hear him talk. Bordering on coke-problem energetic. If he does have a coke problem, it's probably not a good thing, but at least it will make things a bit more interesting, and give The Sun something new to write about. It's about time we caught some more MPs with apples in their mouths and their trousers round their ankles so we can have a good old giggle.
> {insert next pro here} Um, I havent really been paying too much attention to him, as his voice irritates me a bit after a while. So I'm afraid you'll have to think of your own third pro, suggestions on a postcard please! :)
Cons:
> Well, this is actually a pretty serious one. He intends to cut the defence budget and get rid of a few of our nukes. As anyone who knows me will tell you, I love Classical History, and I'm a firm believer in looking to the past for advice on the future, based on the fact that History has a tendancy to repeat itself. With this theory in mind, we are well overdue for our next Hitler. And the chances are our next Hitler will have nukes. And then where will we be? Well, in the immortal words of Tommy in Snatch; "Proper Fucked"
> He has no posters. How can we vote for a man with no posters?? That's just silly!
> He has some lovely fluffy ideas, but has failed to mention entirely where he intends to get the money from to fund them. In my personal opinion, I believe he secretly intends to invade Switzerland and take over the bank of Zurich. I'm all for world domination and rebuilding the British Empire an all that, but of course the problem arises when Switzerland have nukes and we don't...
To see where we will end up if this happens, please refer to my previous quote from Tommy
Political Peoples Numbers 4, 5 & 6:The Others
Just a quick guide to the silly people.
The BNP
Pros: Their logo has a Union Flag on it and is very pretty.
Cons: They are idiots.
UKIP
Pros: They want to pull out of the European Union, and stop giving decisions to people in Brussels.
Cons: They're basically the BNP with better hidden racism.
The Monster Raving Looney Party:
Pros: Their leader was called Screaming Lord Sutch. That's just cool.
Cons: They don't exist anymore, otherwise they would sooo have my vote!
My Conclusion
So, there you have it. The "Facts" in a quick easy reference guide! To summarise, here is my recommendation:
Vote for The Big Shiny Face Guy if you want a leader who is easy on the eyes and will print amusing posters.
Vote for The Ugly Guy if you don't fancy someone new cocking things up in a whole new way and you're happy to let him continue cocking things up in a nice familiar manner.
Vote for The Plain Looking Guy if you want someone who will do wonders for the taxpayer, but ultimately get us blown up by Switzerland
Vote for one of The Others if you are currently under the influence of alcohol or other mind altering substances.
Hope this helps! Comments and suggestions are welcome!
Disclaimer:
My views are probably nonsense and may seriously harm our country if taken seriously. Please have bucket of salt to hand when reading this handy Cut-out-and-keep guide.
Footnote:
* By the way, I do know who Maggie Thatcher is now, and have done for some time. God bless Wikipedia! However, I haven't yet fully researched why everyone hated her, so I shall show some incredible restraint and refrain from commenting until I have!
Saturday 6 November 2010
25 Random Facts about Yours Truly...which may or may not be true!
Ages ago, people were playing this game on one of those evil social networking sites...and it was quite funny.
So I thought I would write a little contribution on here...
So, here you have it, 25 Random Facts about me
(Which may or may not be based in truth)
1. I believe in the Zombie Apocolypse wholeheartedly. To this end I have a chemical warfare suit stashed in my loft. One day they will come. And will you be prepared?
2. I am able, from memory, to reciete the entire Witch's Speech from Macbeth. Which is a slightly pointless talent. It's the "Double Double, Toil and Trouble" bit and all the gory ingredients of the cauldron I know. Incedentally, it really winds me up when people misquote it as "Hubble Bubble Toil and Trouble" Hubble Bubble?? Does that really sound like Shakespearian language...?
3. I have recently aquired a Blackberry, and subsequently there may be a few nonsense posts as I learn to use it...
4. I did not vote in the last election. :( This was due to an immence work related cock up and me not being able to find the polling station... Lesson learnt. Next time, I shall vote by post!!
5. Contrary to popular belief, I do not vote BNP. They interest me because they amuse me, not because I do, or am ever likely to take them seriously!
6. The security on my garage is complete. It now resembles Fort Knox very strongly... I am NOT prepared to let another motorcycle get stolen!!
7. I love being English. Mainly because I can't speak French. But also because, despite the bad stuff, I am quite proud of the good stuff this country can do.
8. I collect interesting little cork topped glass bottles. Don't ask. I just think they're cool!
9. I Love Wikipedia. Mainly because I can't afford university and it's the next best thing. (Yes I know it's not allways accurate, and rarely unbiased. But it's a fantastic idea! And it's a great starting point if you want to research a subject.)
10. I think Anne Rice is a fabulous author, and it's mainly thanks to a love of her work that I now have a love of classics. (Read "Pandora", you'll get it.)
11. Second to Anne Rice, I adore Dickens. With Great Expectations being an undisputed favourite.
12. Another favourite book is Defoe's Moll Flanders. If you haven't read it, do. It's wonderful. Will probably do another post on it at some point.
(11/11/2010 - Have done one, click here)
13. It is one of my aims in life to marry a millionaire.
14. I believe everyone should try to learn an instrument at some point in their life. ("Try to learn, that is", not "be good at playing"!)
15. I know 2 useful phrases in french; "My hovercraft is full of eels" and "I have no money". Respectivly; "Mon aerogleseur sont plan d'ongi" and "Je ne pas d'largent"
16. When I was little, my father informed me that a building you could see from the M4 Flyover had "1000" written on the side of it due to the fact that it was 1000 feet high. I discovered about a year ago that this is not the case. It is simply number 1000 Great West Road. Much to the amusement of my friends...
17. I wouldn't mind having a crack at journalism. But as a general rule, I don't much like journalists.
18. I think the current disrespect the "yoof of today" have for the elderly in their communities is shocking and disgusting. And to this end, as soon as I am grey enough, I shall do my bit to repair the situation. Mainly by pretending to be senile and whacking random teenagers with my walking stick whilst on the bus.
19. On a slightly more serious note, I fully indend to volunteer for one of those "pop round and chat to the elderly" schemes. Hopefully next year (eek!) I don't doubt that I may encounter a few problems knowing what they're on about...but that's besides the point.
20. I also intend to rope a friend of mine into this who has expressed an interest. But he isn't yet aware of this fact.
21. I fully believe, that if you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything. "I will marry a millionaire...I will marry a millionaire..."
22. Its actually quite difficult to write one of these lists...
23. I once threw a paintball salesman out of my place of work by telling him "That sort of mindless violence is against my religion!". Seriously, he wouldn't leave. No matter what I said. I had to do something!
24. I love telesales. I usuall tell them "Ooh [insert random useless product they're selling here] sounds fabulous! Can you just hold on a minute?" and then wait to see how long they'll hold for... My record is about 7 minutes.
25. Jehovah's Witnesses no longer call on me after I once invited them to come to the Satanic Ritual later that evening and be the sacrifice.
So I thought I would write a little contribution on here...
So, here you have it, 25 Random Facts about me
(Which may or may not be based in truth)
1. I believe in the Zombie Apocolypse wholeheartedly. To this end I have a chemical warfare suit stashed in my loft. One day they will come. And will you be prepared?
2. I am able, from memory, to reciete the entire Witch's Speech from Macbeth. Which is a slightly pointless talent. It's the "Double Double, Toil and Trouble" bit and all the gory ingredients of the cauldron I know. Incedentally, it really winds me up when people misquote it as "Hubble Bubble Toil and Trouble" Hubble Bubble?? Does that really sound like Shakespearian language...?
3. I have recently aquired a Blackberry, and subsequently there may be a few nonsense posts as I learn to use it...
4. I did not vote in the last election. :( This was due to an immence work related cock up and me not being able to find the polling station... Lesson learnt. Next time, I shall vote by post!!
5. Contrary to popular belief, I do not vote BNP. They interest me because they amuse me, not because I do, or am ever likely to take them seriously!
6. The security on my garage is complete. It now resembles Fort Knox very strongly... I am NOT prepared to let another motorcycle get stolen!!
7. I love being English. Mainly because I can't speak French. But also because, despite the bad stuff, I am quite proud of the good stuff this country can do.
8. I collect interesting little cork topped glass bottles. Don't ask. I just think they're cool!
9. I Love Wikipedia. Mainly because I can't afford university and it's the next best thing. (Yes I know it's not allways accurate, and rarely unbiased. But it's a fantastic idea! And it's a great starting point if you want to research a subject.)
10. I think Anne Rice is a fabulous author, and it's mainly thanks to a love of her work that I now have a love of classics. (Read "Pandora", you'll get it.)
11. Second to Anne Rice, I adore Dickens. With Great Expectations being an undisputed favourite.
12. Another favourite book is Defoe's Moll Flanders. If you haven't read it, do. It's wonderful. Will probably do another post on it at some point.
(11/11/2010 - Have done one, click here)
13. It is one of my aims in life to marry a millionaire.
14. I believe everyone should try to learn an instrument at some point in their life. ("Try to learn, that is", not "be good at playing"!)
15. I know 2 useful phrases in french; "My hovercraft is full of eels" and "I have no money". Respectivly; "Mon aerogleseur sont plan d'ongi" and "Je ne pas d'largent"
16. When I was little, my father informed me that a building you could see from the M4 Flyover had "1000" written on the side of it due to the fact that it was 1000 feet high. I discovered about a year ago that this is not the case. It is simply number 1000 Great West Road. Much to the amusement of my friends...
17. I wouldn't mind having a crack at journalism. But as a general rule, I don't much like journalists.
18. I think the current disrespect the "yoof of today" have for the elderly in their communities is shocking and disgusting. And to this end, as soon as I am grey enough, I shall do my bit to repair the situation. Mainly by pretending to be senile and whacking random teenagers with my walking stick whilst on the bus.
19. On a slightly more serious note, I fully indend to volunteer for one of those "pop round and chat to the elderly" schemes. Hopefully next year (eek!) I don't doubt that I may encounter a few problems knowing what they're on about...but that's besides the point.
20. I also intend to rope a friend of mine into this who has expressed an interest. But he isn't yet aware of this fact.
21. I fully believe, that if you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything. "I will marry a millionaire...I will marry a millionaire..."
22. Its actually quite difficult to write one of these lists...
23. I once threw a paintball salesman out of my place of work by telling him "That sort of mindless violence is against my religion!". Seriously, he wouldn't leave. No matter what I said. I had to do something!
24. I love telesales. I usuall tell them "Ooh [insert random useless product they're selling here] sounds fabulous! Can you just hold on a minute?" and then wait to see how long they'll hold for... My record is about 7 minutes.
25. Jehovah's Witnesses no longer call on me after I once invited them to come to the Satanic Ritual later that evening and be the sacrifice.
Friday 5 November 2010
Gadgets and Cool Techy Things!!
I have added a few cool looking gizmos to this blog that blogger suggested for me!
I feel so hi tech... :D
First off, you can now "rate" the posts as funny, cool or interesting by clicking the little boxes below them!
Secondly, there is a "poll" on the right hand side of the blog (down below the picture) which allows you to rate the whole thing!
Please try my gadgets out! As I think they are very cool, but I'm not sure if they work or not yet because I've only just added them and I don't think anyones noticed them so far...
:)
I feel so hi tech... :D
First off, you can now "rate" the posts as funny, cool or interesting by clicking the little boxes below them!
Secondly, there is a "poll" on the right hand side of the blog (down below the picture) which allows you to rate the whole thing!
Please try my gadgets out! As I think they are very cool, but I'm not sure if they work or not yet because I've only just added them and I don't think anyones noticed them so far...
:)
Dragons and Fairies...as promised!
Ever heard the multitude of rumours surrounding Macbeth? There are a few. For example, most people know that in a "playhouse" (or theatre of any sort) you must refer to it as "The Scottish Play". Supposedly Shakespeare used actual witch's curses in the cauldron scene, which is why it is considered very unlucky to mention the name.
Just on a side note here, if you must call it 'The Scottish Play', how on earth is it ever performed??
"The Scottish Bloke from The Scottish Play! The Scottish Bloke from The Scottish Play! Beware Macduff!"
Really doesn't have the same ring to it now does it...
Anyway, yes, Dragons. I do have a point here! Ages and ages ago, I wrote a paper on the Cauldron Scene and on whether or not the rumours had any truth in them. I came to the conclusion that yes, they probably did have a small fraction of truth. Mr S may well have pinched a bit of it from something resembling "actual witch's curses", or rather from herbalism.
I shan't go into the full details here, but I will give a few of the examples which led me to this conclusion.
For example, the second list of gruesome ingredients for the cauldron begins;
"Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble."
Now, it sounds like a load of gory nonsense Shakespeare invented, and for the most part, I don't doubt that's what it is. But "Tongue of Dog" is quite interesting. It was once a colloquial name for "Cynoglossum officinale", a plant native to europe, now commonly known as 'Hounds Tongue' due to its bad smell! According to Wikipedia, it's still in use;
"Herbalists use the plant as a treatment for piles, lung diseases and persistent coughs. Houndstongue ointment is said to cure baldness, and can be used for sores and ulcers. Not all of these uses are supported by scientific evidence.[3]"
"Adders Fork" is also interesting. It could refer to the herb "Stitchwort", or botanical name 'Stellaria' and if you click this link, you'll see why its called Adders Fork, the petals do resemble a snakes tongue! However, although there are some variants native to Europe, its mostly an american plant.
This next ingredient however, I believe is probably just an incredibly gory invention of Shakespeare's! I doubt very much its a herb...
'Finger of birth-strangled baebe,
Ditch-delivered by a Drab'
(Or in english, 'finger of baby born to a prostitute is a ditch and strangled at birth')
You're probably wondering what all this has to do with Dragons. Well, it just so happens that my favourite incense bears the colloquial name of "Dragons Bloode" this is due to the fact that when you burn the resin to release the scent it bubbles blood red. And generally just looks a bit like blood. The Latin name for it is "Dracaena draco".
However I do take great pleasure in informing unsuspecting guests who may notice the little bottle on the shelf labelled 'Dragons Bloode' that its something quite different...
It usually starts with me saying;
"Ooh be careful with that stuff! Its very rare and expensive! You know when Saint George killed the dragon..."
(Oh and sorry for this post having nothing to do with fairies. It just sounded cool!!)
Just on a side note here, if you must call it 'The Scottish Play', how on earth is it ever performed??
"The Scottish Bloke from The Scottish Play! The Scottish Bloke from The Scottish Play! Beware Macduff!"
Really doesn't have the same ring to it now does it...
Anyway, yes, Dragons. I do have a point here! Ages and ages ago, I wrote a paper on the Cauldron Scene and on whether or not the rumours had any truth in them. I came to the conclusion that yes, they probably did have a small fraction of truth. Mr S may well have pinched a bit of it from something resembling "actual witch's curses", or rather from herbalism.
I shan't go into the full details here, but I will give a few of the examples which led me to this conclusion.
For example, the second list of gruesome ingredients for the cauldron begins;
"Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble."
Now, it sounds like a load of gory nonsense Shakespeare invented, and for the most part, I don't doubt that's what it is. But "Tongue of Dog" is quite interesting. It was once a colloquial name for "Cynoglossum officinale", a plant native to europe, now commonly known as 'Hounds Tongue' due to its bad smell! According to Wikipedia, it's still in use;
"Herbalists use the plant as a treatment for piles, lung diseases and persistent coughs. Houndstongue ointment is said to cure baldness, and can be used for sores and ulcers. Not all of these uses are supported by scientific evidence.[3]"
"Adders Fork" is also interesting. It could refer to the herb "Stitchwort", or botanical name 'Stellaria' and if you click this link, you'll see why its called Adders Fork, the petals do resemble a snakes tongue! However, although there are some variants native to Europe, its mostly an american plant.
This next ingredient however, I believe is probably just an incredibly gory invention of Shakespeare's! I doubt very much its a herb...
'Finger of birth-strangled baebe,
Ditch-delivered by a Drab'
(Or in english, 'finger of baby born to a prostitute is a ditch and strangled at birth')
You're probably wondering what all this has to do with Dragons. Well, it just so happens that my favourite incense bears the colloquial name of "Dragons Bloode" this is due to the fact that when you burn the resin to release the scent it bubbles blood red. And generally just looks a bit like blood. The Latin name for it is "Dracaena draco".
However I do take great pleasure in informing unsuspecting guests who may notice the little bottle on the shelf labelled 'Dragons Bloode' that its something quite different...
It usually starts with me saying;
"Ooh be careful with that stuff! Its very rare and expensive! You know when Saint George killed the dragon..."
(Oh and sorry for this post having nothing to do with fairies. It just sounded cool!!)
Thursday 4 November 2010
The BNP, who are actually sillier than I thought
Or rather;
"The BNP, who are incredibly silly, and why they definitely should not have a go!"
Okay so I've done some homework. I proposed letting the BNP have a go for a few months and then getting Her Majesty the Queen to chuck them all in the Tower of London. My logic was that we let them implement their few sensible policies, then lock them up before they get a chance to go on any genocidial rampages.
However there is a slight problem with this theory...
(Among many others of course!)
I actually checked their website to see how silly or sensible their policies really are. I read through the whole damnded lot. I must say, there's potential there. But only when the 'National Pride' side of things totally replaces the 'Black People are Bad' side. Rather than them just pretending that is the case.
So my conclusion is that their policies are mostly quite silly, apart from one, and this is a direct quote;
" - Abolish the “Human Rights Act” which has been imposed on this country through the European Union, and which is nothing but an excuse to prevent British laws stopping the scroungers of the world parasiting off this nation; "
And that, my friends, is not a silly policy. It's a downright bloody stupid and inherently dangerous policy.
Oh, and 'parasiting' isn't even a real word!!
I'll stick with Dave and the tea boy thanks all the same Mr Nick-used-to-be-NF-and-has-done-time-for-inciting-racial-hatred-Griffin. Oh and get someone to spell check your website you plonker!!
Just a side note:
For anyone interested, most likely through morbid curiosity, I would really recommend reading their current policies as stated by the BNP themselves here. Then comparing them with the Wikepedia article here.
The 'General Media' make the BNP out to be totally evil racists, the BNP claim to be Patriots. The slant put on things by both sides is quite interesting. It's my personal opinion that neither can be trusted to be telling the truth.
The real facts themselves, which can be found amongst the Wiki article, are somewhat enlightening to say the least.
In an unprecedented attempt at not being biased myself, I leave you to draw your own conclusions!
All I will say, is that the facts, and the arrests, seem to speak for themselves.
Serious bit over! I shall ensure my next post has something to do with Dragons, or Fairies or something!!
"The BNP, who are incredibly silly, and why they definitely should not have a go!"
Okay so I've done some homework. I proposed letting the BNP have a go for a few months and then getting Her Majesty the Queen to chuck them all in the Tower of London. My logic was that we let them implement their few sensible policies, then lock them up before they get a chance to go on any genocidial rampages.
However there is a slight problem with this theory...
(Among many others of course!)
I actually checked their website to see how silly or sensible their policies really are. I read through the whole damnded lot. I must say, there's potential there. But only when the 'National Pride' side of things totally replaces the 'Black People are Bad' side. Rather than them just pretending that is the case.
So my conclusion is that their policies are mostly quite silly, apart from one, and this is a direct quote;
" - Abolish the “Human Rights Act” which has been imposed on this country through the European Union, and which is nothing but an excuse to prevent British laws stopping the scroungers of the world parasiting off this nation; "
And that, my friends, is not a silly policy. It's a downright bloody stupid and inherently dangerous policy.
Oh, and 'parasiting' isn't even a real word!!
I'll stick with Dave and the tea boy thanks all the same Mr Nick-used-to-be-NF-and-has-done-time-for-inciting-racial-hatred-Griffin. Oh and get someone to spell check your website you plonker!!
Just a side note:
For anyone interested, most likely through morbid curiosity, I would really recommend reading their current policies as stated by the BNP themselves here. Then comparing them with the Wikepedia article here.
The 'General Media' make the BNP out to be totally evil racists, the BNP claim to be Patriots. The slant put on things by both sides is quite interesting. It's my personal opinion that neither can be trusted to be telling the truth.
The real facts themselves, which can be found amongst the Wiki article, are somewhat enlightening to say the least.
In an unprecedented attempt at not being biased myself, I leave you to draw your own conclusions!
All I will say, is that the facts, and the arrests, seem to speak for themselves.
Serious bit over! I shall ensure my next post has something to do with Dragons, or Fairies or something!!
The Theory of Relativity...again (and a Possible Solution!)
Okay, new revelation. Well, sort of.
The bit about the clocks which confused me states that the closer to the speed of light you're travelling the slower you will perceive time to go.
So, after ten minutes the Ninja sitting at the lights will see ten past one on its clock but if the R1 is travelling at the speed of light, after ten minutes (to the observer, or Ninja rider) he'll see 20 past one. Or something like that. Because at the speed of light the internal clock of any object slows right down.
Now what confused me about all this is why the bloody hell it happens?
It would appear the answer is quite simple...
No one actually has the first clue!
It just happens!
So, I'd like to propose a new theory;
Maybe time slows down because it has very short legs. A bit like a Haggis. (Haggis hunting anyone?) And perhaps one is a little shorter than the other.
So maybe when one is zipping around at the speed of light time just can't keep up because it gets out of breath rather quickly...
Of course all theories need proving, so I have devised an experiment using a Suzuki Hayabusa, a Rolex, some Nitrous, Santa Pod drag strip and a Chicken. Therefore I will shortly be applying for a Government Grant to solve one of the greatest scientific mysteries of all time...
The bit about the clocks which confused me states that the closer to the speed of light you're travelling the slower you will perceive time to go.
So, after ten minutes the Ninja sitting at the lights will see ten past one on its clock but if the R1 is travelling at the speed of light, after ten minutes (to the observer, or Ninja rider) he'll see 20 past one. Or something like that. Because at the speed of light the internal clock of any object slows right down.
Now what confused me about all this is why the bloody hell it happens?
It would appear the answer is quite simple...
No one actually has the first clue!
It just happens!
So, I'd like to propose a new theory;
Maybe time slows down because it has very short legs. A bit like a Haggis. (Haggis hunting anyone?) And perhaps one is a little shorter than the other.
So maybe when one is zipping around at the speed of light time just can't keep up because it gets out of breath rather quickly...
Of course all theories need proving, so I have devised an experiment using a Suzuki Hayabusa, a Rolex, some Nitrous, Santa Pod drag strip and a Chicken. Therefore I will shortly be applying for a Government Grant to solve one of the greatest scientific mysteries of all time...
Wednesday 3 November 2010
The BNP, who are a bit silly, and why I think they should have a go.
Here's a nice little theoretical idea...
Let's elect the BNP for a bit! Hear me out okay, because I have a theory that doesn't include allowing them to blow up any Jews;
There are several things wrong with this country, as we all know, and I reckon the BNP should be allowed a go at fixing them. Not for long mind you, because they will inevitably make a mess of most things. Only let them in for a few months or so, and only on the condition that they promise not to attempt any sorts of genocide whatsoever! Under strict threat of having their fish drowned mafia-style if they do!
But, the BNP want to pull out of the EU, which is very sensible as it costs the country billions every year and all we get is a holiday to Brussels every now and again for a few politicians and a lot of silly legislation. Like the new motorcycle test. Which now includes daft things like slaloms around cones in a car park. And has also led to all sorts of silly health and safety issues about what is or is not a suitable car park. And therefore a shortage of 'approved' car parks... I'm sure you see my point.
Then there's immigration. Okay, so they may go a bit OTT on this one perhaps... But there's no denying that if anyone can successfully ship home all the illegal immigrants that are here, they can! (Of course we will need to apologise profusely to the few legal ones they manage to deport as well, and let them come back once we get rid of the BNP, but hopefully they'll understand!)
They want to bring back proper Grammar schools and just generally have a few sensible schooling ideas. Which should lead to a better education system overall. And less brat children thanks to allowing teachers to once more throw things at them! I for one would have been much less likely, as a child, to tell a teacher to 'piss off' if it would have resulted in a white board wiper to the ear!
They'll get rid of political correctness and a lot of daft health and safety nonsense. Which may actually result in people once again relying on common sense and not needing silly warning signs! Have you seen the ones up near Harrods? 'Low Trees'?! Well yes, I can see that. The low trees themselves, funnily enough, are quite a bit more noticeable than the bloody warning sign! Their 'political correctness' (or incorrectness!) ideas may be a bit overkill, but if they result in this 'under representation of ethnic minorities' nonsense being removed, that's a good thing in my book. And we can always fix the silly ideas once we chuck them out.
The police are a classic example here. Ethnic minorities are apparently 'under represented' in the old bill, so they have to, by law, employ more of them. Aww, isn't that nice and fluffy, equality and all that. But surely it's more important they employ someone suited to the job regardless of whether they're black, white, yellow or bloody green! And if that happens to be someone white, british and male, tough shit. It's rather an important job after all, surely the best person for it should be doing it. That's like a hairdressers having to hire a man trained in IT over a woman trained in hairdressing because they already employ too many women! It's just silly!
I believe they have a few radical ideas about the benefit system as well which may or may not work nicely.
Of course there is the slight problem of them wondering off on a Hitler-style campaign and attempting to exterminate black people everywhere. Which I grant you, could be a setback. But I have a plan for that. Let them do their sensible stuff first, and just when they're prepping the nukes, have Her Majesty the Queen pop over to see them, dissolve parliament and have the whole lot of them chucked in the Tower of London for Treason. They'd make a good tourist attraction too. You'd make a fortune selling rotten eggs with pictures of Martin Luther King on to throw at them.
And then of course Her Majesty the Queen re-instigates the current government to clean up the mess. And everyone will love the Conservatives because Nick Griffin is clearly a lot worse than Maggie Thatcher ever was!
Of course by this point, it will just be easier to stay out of the EU rather than rejoin, and the motorcycle test won't get any sillier than it already is...
Let's elect the BNP for a bit! Hear me out okay, because I have a theory that doesn't include allowing them to blow up any Jews;
There are several things wrong with this country, as we all know, and I reckon the BNP should be allowed a go at fixing them. Not for long mind you, because they will inevitably make a mess of most things. Only let them in for a few months or so, and only on the condition that they promise not to attempt any sorts of genocide whatsoever! Under strict threat of having their fish drowned mafia-style if they do!
But, the BNP want to pull out of the EU, which is very sensible as it costs the country billions every year and all we get is a holiday to Brussels every now and again for a few politicians and a lot of silly legislation. Like the new motorcycle test. Which now includes daft things like slaloms around cones in a car park. And has also led to all sorts of silly health and safety issues about what is or is not a suitable car park. And therefore a shortage of 'approved' car parks... I'm sure you see my point.
Then there's immigration. Okay, so they may go a bit OTT on this one perhaps... But there's no denying that if anyone can successfully ship home all the illegal immigrants that are here, they can! (Of course we will need to apologise profusely to the few legal ones they manage to deport as well, and let them come back once we get rid of the BNP, but hopefully they'll understand!)
They want to bring back proper Grammar schools and just generally have a few sensible schooling ideas. Which should lead to a better education system overall. And less brat children thanks to allowing teachers to once more throw things at them! I for one would have been much less likely, as a child, to tell a teacher to 'piss off' if it would have resulted in a white board wiper to the ear!
They'll get rid of political correctness and a lot of daft health and safety nonsense. Which may actually result in people once again relying on common sense and not needing silly warning signs! Have you seen the ones up near Harrods? 'Low Trees'?! Well yes, I can see that. The low trees themselves, funnily enough, are quite a bit more noticeable than the bloody warning sign! Their 'political correctness' (or incorrectness!) ideas may be a bit overkill, but if they result in this 'under representation of ethnic minorities' nonsense being removed, that's a good thing in my book. And we can always fix the silly ideas once we chuck them out.
The police are a classic example here. Ethnic minorities are apparently 'under represented' in the old bill, so they have to, by law, employ more of them. Aww, isn't that nice and fluffy, equality and all that. But surely it's more important they employ someone suited to the job regardless of whether they're black, white, yellow or bloody green! And if that happens to be someone white, british and male, tough shit. It's rather an important job after all, surely the best person for it should be doing it. That's like a hairdressers having to hire a man trained in IT over a woman trained in hairdressing because they already employ too many women! It's just silly!
I believe they have a few radical ideas about the benefit system as well which may or may not work nicely.
Of course there is the slight problem of them wondering off on a Hitler-style campaign and attempting to exterminate black people everywhere. Which I grant you, could be a setback. But I have a plan for that. Let them do their sensible stuff first, and just when they're prepping the nukes, have Her Majesty the Queen pop over to see them, dissolve parliament and have the whole lot of them chucked in the Tower of London for Treason. They'd make a good tourist attraction too. You'd make a fortune selling rotten eggs with pictures of Martin Luther King on to throw at them.
And then of course Her Majesty the Queen re-instigates the current government to clean up the mess. And everyone will love the Conservatives because Nick Griffin is clearly a lot worse than Maggie Thatcher ever was!
Of course by this point, it will just be easier to stay out of the EU rather than rejoin, and the motorcycle test won't get any sillier than it already is...
Brat Children
For the record, I work in retail. And usually, I love it. Today I did not.
I had a screaming child. There is nothing in the world worse than the incessant, overwhelming ear piercing scream of a child. And it is perfectly impossible to talk over. Which, when your job is sales, and relies heavily on good sales pitches, is somewhat detrimental to business.
To top it all off, there was also a brat child. One of those ones that runs around the place picking up various items, irrelevant of value and either throwing or hitting them on the floor. I was sorely tempted to resort to the fire
extinguisher...
But this isn't my main gripe. My main gripe is some peoples attitudes towards children who behave this way. My personal attitude is that a good solid clip round the ear works miracles. Other attitudes include that the child may have 'problems'.
Now I acknowledge that problems like autism exist, and a mentally ill child is probably a total nightmare sometimes. Fine. Most autistic children I've met, either at work or otherwise, the mothers have quietly mentioned that is the case, and in a lot of cases I've generally found that a balloon seems to work wonders! But the screaming child in question, when I asked the mother if he was okay she told me he was hungry, and continued to ignore him!
Hungry?? Well feed the bloody thing then! Don't just ignore him and keep shopping! At the very least, take him outside until he's done screaming and stop pissing off an entire shop full of people! And don't ignore the other one too! She finally actually spoke to the second child when I informed her that she would need to pay for anything he damages. Money works wonders doesn't it? She didn't appear concerned for the safety of her child, but the safety of her purse? Ah, now that's another matter!
Now, I happened to mention this incident elsewhere, and was immediately upbraided because the child could have a 'problem'. What? Brat syndrome? Well yes, actually, apparently just that. Something like ADHD.
Now correct me if I'm wrong here, but ADHD stands for 'attention deficit hyperactive disorder'. Which means a child with a short attention span who has a tendency to run around a lot. So basically, a naughty child.
Seriously? There is a medical classification for 'being a brat'. Well, surely doctors should be prescribing clips round the ear then! No, they prescribe drugs. For children.
And this new 'illness' leads to the assumption that brat children are problem children, and allowances should be made.
Now I'm going to stick my neck out here and suggest that maybe ADHD is a made up illness from america used by people with bad parenting skills as an excuse.
Maybe it's a real illness recently discovered which not a lot is yet known about. Only time and medical research will actually tell which. But I still doubt very much it applies to all naughty children. I would expect most naughty children are simply the product of bad parenting, and a very few are the result of ADHD.
I think I may have just hit on one of the biggest problems in the country today. There is a definite correlation between brat children and abused benefits or council housing. Surely this tells us something?
And do you know what I blame? Yep, the same thing my Grandmother would have blamed, Computer Games, Television and the Labour Government!
Bitching over, thank you for listening...
I had a screaming child. There is nothing in the world worse than the incessant, overwhelming ear piercing scream of a child. And it is perfectly impossible to talk over. Which, when your job is sales, and relies heavily on good sales pitches, is somewhat detrimental to business.
To top it all off, there was also a brat child. One of those ones that runs around the place picking up various items, irrelevant of value and either throwing or hitting them on the floor. I was sorely tempted to resort to the fire
extinguisher...
But this isn't my main gripe. My main gripe is some peoples attitudes towards children who behave this way. My personal attitude is that a good solid clip round the ear works miracles. Other attitudes include that the child may have 'problems'.
Now I acknowledge that problems like autism exist, and a mentally ill child is probably a total nightmare sometimes. Fine. Most autistic children I've met, either at work or otherwise, the mothers have quietly mentioned that is the case, and in a lot of cases I've generally found that a balloon seems to work wonders! But the screaming child in question, when I asked the mother if he was okay she told me he was hungry, and continued to ignore him!
Hungry?? Well feed the bloody thing then! Don't just ignore him and keep shopping! At the very least, take him outside until he's done screaming and stop pissing off an entire shop full of people! And don't ignore the other one too! She finally actually spoke to the second child when I informed her that she would need to pay for anything he damages. Money works wonders doesn't it? She didn't appear concerned for the safety of her child, but the safety of her purse? Ah, now that's another matter!
Now, I happened to mention this incident elsewhere, and was immediately upbraided because the child could have a 'problem'. What? Brat syndrome? Well yes, actually, apparently just that. Something like ADHD.
Now correct me if I'm wrong here, but ADHD stands for 'attention deficit hyperactive disorder'. Which means a child with a short attention span who has a tendency to run around a lot. So basically, a naughty child.
Seriously? There is a medical classification for 'being a brat'. Well, surely doctors should be prescribing clips round the ear then! No, they prescribe drugs. For children.
And this new 'illness' leads to the assumption that brat children are problem children, and allowances should be made.
Now I'm going to stick my neck out here and suggest that maybe ADHD is a made up illness from america used by people with bad parenting skills as an excuse.
Maybe it's a real illness recently discovered which not a lot is yet known about. Only time and medical research will actually tell which. But I still doubt very much it applies to all naughty children. I would expect most naughty children are simply the product of bad parenting, and a very few are the result of ADHD.
I think I may have just hit on one of the biggest problems in the country today. There is a definite correlation between brat children and abused benefits or council housing. Surely this tells us something?
And do you know what I blame? Yep, the same thing my Grandmother would have blamed, Computer Games, Television and the Labour Government!
Bitching over, thank you for listening...
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