The Manifesto

Just realised the previous post (Christie's Cut-Out-And-Keep Guide to Who to Vote For in General Elections) refers to "The Manifesto", so for continuity, thought I'd better dig it up from the depths of my laptop and post my manifesto...


If I were Dictator....

1. Old people would not be allowed to drive on a sunday, no more sunday drivers!!

2. There would be a nationwide minimum speed limit of 60mph, and we would finally put the gatsos to good use catching dangerous people who "slow".

3. Caravans would be illegal.

4. Lorries would not be allowed to drive during hours of daylight. (Can't ban them altogether, they supply tescos, where I shop.)

5. My foreign policy would be amazing. No speak-a de lingo, no bloody coming in. (That's foreign for "speak the language" you know....)

6. Motorcycle licenses would be mandatory.

7. The restricted motorcycle licence would be illegal, no more restrictions thankyou very much!!

8. The NHS would only be free if you were accidently injured/ill. If you got pissed and got in a fight, or you're a chav, you'd have to pay for treatment!

9. My education policy would be fabulous. No more teaching kids pointless crap. The curriculum would consist of usefull stuff, like maths, english, how to change a tyre, engineering, design (not fashion, that's pointless) and for boys, how to use a bloody washing machine!! etc etc. No more cookery lessons, it's down to the parents to teach kids to cook!

10. Fashion would be illegal if it's ridiculous. See through ponchos? Whats the point?

11. Shops would not be allowed to open on a sunday. Anywhere. Or on Christmas day. The penalty would be death.

12. The prison system would get a complete overhall! No more "life" sentances that last 10 years! That's not life, its 10 years, it should be called a 10 year sentance. The punishment will now fit the crime. So thieves, you'll get the hand(s) you stole with chopped off, rapists, paedos etc, you're looking to lose a lot, hands, bits, eyes and a tatoo that says "pervert" on your forehead for good measure. Oooh, pluss the death sentance. Benefit fraud? You're looking at an unpaid community service as a sewer cleaner, every £1 you steal will cost you one day down there with your toothbrush :).

13. Over crowded prisons? Not a problem. Welcome back death row, goodbye locked up murderers.

14. Unemployment. Those unemployed and with no good reason to be unemployed, (disabled, ill, single mum, etc are exempt from this of course, they have a good reason) you can either get a job, or my government will give you a job, as a sewer cleaner, on £3 an hour. Mandatory.

15. The Spice Girls will not be permitted to have any more reunions.

16. Iron Maiden will be part of music lessons in schools.

17. Global Warming will be a legal requirement. Hotter summers? Colder winters? So you mean less rain, more bikinis and actual real life snow? The kind you can ski on? Yes please!

18. Roadworks will take a maximum of 24 hours to complete, or all workers will be shot and fed to the lions at london zoo. Can't do it in 24 hours? Get more staff!!!

19. Police will actually do more of the job they're paid to do. There are no more "dangerous" "speeding" motorists to catch, and the gatsos will take care of inconsiderate, dangerous drivers who "slow". So the good Old Bill can spend their time nicking real criminals, murderers, fraudsters, and motorcycle thieves.* 45mins to turn up to a motorcycle theft?? From the local station? Which is 10 mins from my house??? What did you all do? Push the bloody meatwagon!!!

20. No more police getting penalised for how they drive, (which means thay can drive faster) it's called rapid response driving and the idea is to be rapid. They're well trained, leave them alone. That way thay might actually catch some bike thieves!

21. The penalty for stealing a motorcycle will be death.

22. God I'm on a roll!

23. If the police accidently shoot a running man with a rucksack instead of a terrorist, tough. Occupational hazard. All terrorists MUST be shot on sight, and no, you're not getting 72 bloody virgins! You gullable fools!!

24. The London Tube will be 24 hour and WILL run on time, or the drivers (or whoever happens to be responsible) will be fired.

25. Bikes will be able to use bus lanes.

26. All london taxi drivers (Species: Blackus Cabbus) will undergo an eye test!!!

27. Anyone, anywhere who works for health and safety will be fired.

28. The Sun newspaper will be illegal

29. All other newspapers must refer to me as: "The new Maggie Thatcher, only not as ugly"

30. When the national anthem is played, everyone WILL sing along and WILL know ALL the words because God Save the Queen will be part of my new curriculum, and all those who do not know it will be required to learn it! The penalty for not knowing God Save the Queen is learning the words to, and singing, something by the spice girls.

And I'm done. Vote for me, it will be amazing.


* Yes, I have had a bike stolen before, but fortunately we caught the little buggers and got it back!!

(By the way, let's not take this seriously now, the chances of me getting in to government are on par with the chances of Her Majesty the Queen taking pole dancing lessons...)