Christie's Cut-Out-And-Keep Guide to Who to Vote For in General Elections

Here is something a bit fun I found on my laptop! It's slightly out of date, but it may once again be useful one day! And it's quite funny, so I thought I would post it...
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The Guide

I have a new hobby...brace yourselves, my new hobby is... Politics! And I figured I could put my new hobby to some good use.

Politics, lets face it, is confusing. An manifestos? Boring as hell. And those televised debates we've had, well, the one ages ago with the BNP guy in was far more entertaining really...
But my new hobby has allowed me to have some very interesting debates with a few people, and I've gathered an awful lot of (probably highly inaccurate) political knowledge along the way, so to save people who cant be bothered to wade through boring manifestos, I've put together a handy Cut-out-and-keep guide to politics!
So Ladies and Gentelemen, here you have it...

THE FACTS
(sort of, well probably not actually, maybe "loosely based on the facts" would be a better title)

Political People Number 1: The Guy With The Big Shiny Face
(You know, the one thats got those posters with more airbrushing than Jordan could shake a stick at)

Pros:
> Lets start with a sensible one, he has obviously read my manifesto. Clearly. He reckons we should scrap the benefit system (the bit where people can get free money they really don't deserve) and bring in this compulsory jobs thingumy. Where insead of benefits, people do community service type jobs and get paid the same as they would get in benefits. Sounds a lot like my idea of giving people mandatory communinty service as a sewer cleaner on £3 an hour.

> He is much better looking than the other two. Which is a good thing. Lets face it, we will have to spend an awful lot of time looking at picture of our new boss's ugly mug. So we should take this point into consideration and choose the person with the mug which is easiest on the eyes.

> They intend to "give teachers more power to administer disipline in schools" however, they haven't actually bothered to mention what kind of power. But I'm taking this to mean teachers are once again restored their god-given right to throw board wipers and other stationairy items at noisy kids. This will result in the other kids having some really funny stories to tell about their angry teachers down the pub when they grow up. Resulting in much amusement for all. Believe me, this is a pro. I've heard some of these stroies and they really are classic!

Cons:
> The guy has clearly had cosmetic surgery. trust me, I know botox when I see it. Do we really want a man vain enough to stoop to such a level running our country??

> Everyone thinks he's going to be just as bad as Maggie Thatcher*. Personaly, I don't actually know who that is. But apparently it's a con. And it makes me sound like I know my history to be able to bring it up in conversation.

> Apparently the guy is a bit of a reverse Robin Hood. And he intends to rob the poor to feed the rich. This, however, does not apply to me, as I intend to one day marry a millionaire!

Political People Number 2: The Ugly Guy
(you know, that silly fella thats been making a mess of things for the past few years)

Pros:
> "Better the Devil You Know" Let's face it, politicians in general are very good at making a mess of things, at least we know exactly what kind of mess this one will make, because we've seen him make it before.

> He intends to keep the benefit system just the way it is. Which is great if you like your free money. but I suppose, on a slightly more sensible note, it means he won't go messing with people that genuinely need benefits.

> I like the name of his gang. Labour. It sounds very british and coal-minery. Labour. Labour. makes me think of pints of bitter and national pride. But then the BNP also make me think of pints of bitter and national pride (amongst other things!) so don't take my word on it!

Cons:
> He looks a lot like a bulldog. Very flappy-skinny. Not particularly easy on the eyes.

> He's clearly overdue for a mid-life crisis and a nervous breakdown. You can see it in his eyes. You just know he's soon gonna start spending all our taxpayers money on fast cars and hookers, then cocaine, then rehab. Not a good prospect...

> His head is almost as far up americas arse as the last guys was. Almost, but not quite. And I really don't like americans.

Political People Number 3: The Plain Looking Guy
(You know, the one in the middle, the proverbial "other guy")

Pros:
> And another sensible one to start with. He intends to raise the income tax threshold to 10K. In english, if you earn less than 10K you'll get to keep all your dosh. This should make the ancient culinary art of book-cooking a lot easier.

> He's insanely energetic and enthusiastic when you hear him talk. Bordering on coke-problem energetic. If he does have a coke problem, it's probably not a good thing, but at least it will make things a bit more interesting, and give The Sun something new to write about. It's about time we caught some more MPs with apples in their mouths and their trousers round their ankles so we can have a good old giggle.

> {insert next pro here} Um, I havent really been paying too much attention to him, as his voice irritates me a bit after a while. So I'm afraid you'll have to think of your own third pro, suggestions on a postcard please! :)

Cons:
> Well, this is actually a pretty serious one. He intends to cut the defence budget and get rid of a few of our nukes. As anyone who knows me will tell you, I love Classical History, and I'm a firm believer in looking to the past for advice on the future, based on the fact that History has a tendancy to repeat itself. With this theory in mind, we are well overdue for our next Hitler. And the chances are our next Hitler will have nukes. And then where will we be? Well, in the immortal words of Tommy in Snatch; "Proper Fucked"

> He has no posters. How can we vote for a man with no posters?? That's just silly!

> He has some lovely fluffy ideas, but has failed to mention entirely where he intends to get the money from to fund them. In my personal opinion, I believe he secretly intends to invade Switzerland and take over the bank of Zurich. I'm all for world domination and rebuilding the British Empire an all that, but of course the problem arises when Switzerland have nukes and we don't...
To see where we will end up if this happens, please refer to my previous quote from Tommy

Political Peoples Numbers 4, 5 & 6:The Others
Just a quick guide to the silly people.

The BNP
Pros: Their logo has a Union Flag on it and is very pretty.
Cons: They are idiots.

UKIP
Pros: They want to pull out of the European Union, and stop giving decisions to people in Brussels.
Cons: They're basically the BNP with better hidden racism.

The Monster Raving Looney Party:
Pros: Their leader was called Screaming Lord Sutch. That's just cool.
Cons: They don't exist anymore, otherwise they would sooo have my vote!

My Conclusion
So, there you have it. The "Facts" in a quick easy reference guide! To summarise, here is my recommendation:

Vote for The Big Shiny Face Guy if you want a leader who is easy on the eyes and will print amusing posters.

Vote for The Ugly Guy if you don't fancy someone new cocking things up in a whole new way and you're happy to let him continue cocking things up in a nice familiar manner.

Vote for The Plain Looking Guy if you want someone who will do wonders for the taxpayer, but ultimately get us blown up by Switzerland

Vote for one of The Others if you are currently under the influence of alcohol or other mind altering substances.

Hope this helps! Comments and suggestions are welcome!


Disclaimer:
My views are probably nonsense and may seriously harm our country if taken seriously. Please have bucket of salt to hand when reading this handy Cut-out-and-keep guide.


Footnote:
* By the way, I do know who Maggie Thatcher is now, and have done for some time. God bless Wikipedia! However, I haven't yet fully researched why everyone hated her, so I shall show some incredible restraint and refrain from commenting until I have!