Okay, new revelation. Well, sort of.
The bit about the clocks which confused me states that the closer to the speed of light you're travelling the slower you will perceive time to go.
So, after ten minutes the Ninja sitting at the lights will see ten past one on its clock but if the R1 is travelling at the speed of light, after ten minutes (to the observer, or Ninja rider) he'll see 20 past one. Or something like that. Because at the speed of light the internal clock of any object slows right down.
Now what confused me about all this is why the bloody hell it happens?
It would appear the answer is quite simple...
No one actually has the first clue!
It just happens!
So, I'd like to propose a new theory;
Maybe time slows down because it has very short legs. A bit like a Haggis. (Haggis hunting anyone?) And perhaps one is a little shorter than the other.
So maybe when one is zipping around at the speed of light time just can't keep up because it gets out of breath rather quickly...
Of course all theories need proving, so I have devised an experiment using a Suzuki Hayabusa, a Rolex, some Nitrous, Santa Pod drag strip and a Chicken. Therefore I will shortly be applying for a Government Grant to solve one of the greatest scientific mysteries of all time...
Thursday, 4 November 2010
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
The BNP, who are a bit silly, and why I think they should have a go.
Here's a nice little theoretical idea...
Let's elect the BNP for a bit! Hear me out okay, because I have a theory that doesn't include allowing them to blow up any Jews;
There are several things wrong with this country, as we all know, and I reckon the BNP should be allowed a go at fixing them. Not for long mind you, because they will inevitably make a mess of most things. Only let them in for a few months or so, and only on the condition that they promise not to attempt any sorts of genocide whatsoever! Under strict threat of having their fish drowned mafia-style if they do!
But, the BNP want to pull out of the EU, which is very sensible as it costs the country billions every year and all we get is a holiday to Brussels every now and again for a few politicians and a lot of silly legislation. Like the new motorcycle test. Which now includes daft things like slaloms around cones in a car park. And has also led to all sorts of silly health and safety issues about what is or is not a suitable car park. And therefore a shortage of 'approved' car parks... I'm sure you see my point.
Then there's immigration. Okay, so they may go a bit OTT on this one perhaps... But there's no denying that if anyone can successfully ship home all the illegal immigrants that are here, they can! (Of course we will need to apologise profusely to the few legal ones they manage to deport as well, and let them come back once we get rid of the BNP, but hopefully they'll understand!)
They want to bring back proper Grammar schools and just generally have a few sensible schooling ideas. Which should lead to a better education system overall. And less brat children thanks to allowing teachers to once more throw things at them! I for one would have been much less likely, as a child, to tell a teacher to 'piss off' if it would have resulted in a white board wiper to the ear!
They'll get rid of political correctness and a lot of daft health and safety nonsense. Which may actually result in people once again relying on common sense and not needing silly warning signs! Have you seen the ones up near Harrods? 'Low Trees'?! Well yes, I can see that. The low trees themselves, funnily enough, are quite a bit more noticeable than the bloody warning sign! Their 'political correctness' (or incorrectness!) ideas may be a bit overkill, but if they result in this 'under representation of ethnic minorities' nonsense being removed, that's a good thing in my book. And we can always fix the silly ideas once we chuck them out.
The police are a classic example here. Ethnic minorities are apparently 'under represented' in the old bill, so they have to, by law, employ more of them. Aww, isn't that nice and fluffy, equality and all that. But surely it's more important they employ someone suited to the job regardless of whether they're black, white, yellow or bloody green! And if that happens to be someone white, british and male, tough shit. It's rather an important job after all, surely the best person for it should be doing it. That's like a hairdressers having to hire a man trained in IT over a woman trained in hairdressing because they already employ too many women! It's just silly!
I believe they have a few radical ideas about the benefit system as well which may or may not work nicely.
Of course there is the slight problem of them wondering off on a Hitler-style campaign and attempting to exterminate black people everywhere. Which I grant you, could be a setback. But I have a plan for that. Let them do their sensible stuff first, and just when they're prepping the nukes, have Her Majesty the Queen pop over to see them, dissolve parliament and have the whole lot of them chucked in the Tower of London for Treason. They'd make a good tourist attraction too. You'd make a fortune selling rotten eggs with pictures of Martin Luther King on to throw at them.
And then of course Her Majesty the Queen re-instigates the current government to clean up the mess. And everyone will love the Conservatives because Nick Griffin is clearly a lot worse than Maggie Thatcher ever was!
Of course by this point, it will just be easier to stay out of the EU rather than rejoin, and the motorcycle test won't get any sillier than it already is...
Let's elect the BNP for a bit! Hear me out okay, because I have a theory that doesn't include allowing them to blow up any Jews;
There are several things wrong with this country, as we all know, and I reckon the BNP should be allowed a go at fixing them. Not for long mind you, because they will inevitably make a mess of most things. Only let them in for a few months or so, and only on the condition that they promise not to attempt any sorts of genocide whatsoever! Under strict threat of having their fish drowned mafia-style if they do!
But, the BNP want to pull out of the EU, which is very sensible as it costs the country billions every year and all we get is a holiday to Brussels every now and again for a few politicians and a lot of silly legislation. Like the new motorcycle test. Which now includes daft things like slaloms around cones in a car park. And has also led to all sorts of silly health and safety issues about what is or is not a suitable car park. And therefore a shortage of 'approved' car parks... I'm sure you see my point.
Then there's immigration. Okay, so they may go a bit OTT on this one perhaps... But there's no denying that if anyone can successfully ship home all the illegal immigrants that are here, they can! (Of course we will need to apologise profusely to the few legal ones they manage to deport as well, and let them come back once we get rid of the BNP, but hopefully they'll understand!)
They want to bring back proper Grammar schools and just generally have a few sensible schooling ideas. Which should lead to a better education system overall. And less brat children thanks to allowing teachers to once more throw things at them! I for one would have been much less likely, as a child, to tell a teacher to 'piss off' if it would have resulted in a white board wiper to the ear!
They'll get rid of political correctness and a lot of daft health and safety nonsense. Which may actually result in people once again relying on common sense and not needing silly warning signs! Have you seen the ones up near Harrods? 'Low Trees'?! Well yes, I can see that. The low trees themselves, funnily enough, are quite a bit more noticeable than the bloody warning sign! Their 'political correctness' (or incorrectness!) ideas may be a bit overkill, but if they result in this 'under representation of ethnic minorities' nonsense being removed, that's a good thing in my book. And we can always fix the silly ideas once we chuck them out.
The police are a classic example here. Ethnic minorities are apparently 'under represented' in the old bill, so they have to, by law, employ more of them. Aww, isn't that nice and fluffy, equality and all that. But surely it's more important they employ someone suited to the job regardless of whether they're black, white, yellow or bloody green! And if that happens to be someone white, british and male, tough shit. It's rather an important job after all, surely the best person for it should be doing it. That's like a hairdressers having to hire a man trained in IT over a woman trained in hairdressing because they already employ too many women! It's just silly!
I believe they have a few radical ideas about the benefit system as well which may or may not work nicely.
Of course there is the slight problem of them wondering off on a Hitler-style campaign and attempting to exterminate black people everywhere. Which I grant you, could be a setback. But I have a plan for that. Let them do their sensible stuff first, and just when they're prepping the nukes, have Her Majesty the Queen pop over to see them, dissolve parliament and have the whole lot of them chucked in the Tower of London for Treason. They'd make a good tourist attraction too. You'd make a fortune selling rotten eggs with pictures of Martin Luther King on to throw at them.
And then of course Her Majesty the Queen re-instigates the current government to clean up the mess. And everyone will love the Conservatives because Nick Griffin is clearly a lot worse than Maggie Thatcher ever was!
Of course by this point, it will just be easier to stay out of the EU rather than rejoin, and the motorcycle test won't get any sillier than it already is...
Brat Children
For the record, I work in retail. And usually, I love it. Today I did not.
I had a screaming child. There is nothing in the world worse than the incessant, overwhelming ear piercing scream of a child. And it is perfectly impossible to talk over. Which, when your job is sales, and relies heavily on good sales pitches, is somewhat detrimental to business.
To top it all off, there was also a brat child. One of those ones that runs around the place picking up various items, irrelevant of value and either throwing or hitting them on the floor. I was sorely tempted to resort to the fire
extinguisher...
But this isn't my main gripe. My main gripe is some peoples attitudes towards children who behave this way. My personal attitude is that a good solid clip round the ear works miracles. Other attitudes include that the child may have 'problems'.
Now I acknowledge that problems like autism exist, and a mentally ill child is probably a total nightmare sometimes. Fine. Most autistic children I've met, either at work or otherwise, the mothers have quietly mentioned that is the case, and in a lot of cases I've generally found that a balloon seems to work wonders! But the screaming child in question, when I asked the mother if he was okay she told me he was hungry, and continued to ignore him!
Hungry?? Well feed the bloody thing then! Don't just ignore him and keep shopping! At the very least, take him outside until he's done screaming and stop pissing off an entire shop full of people! And don't ignore the other one too! She finally actually spoke to the second child when I informed her that she would need to pay for anything he damages. Money works wonders doesn't it? She didn't appear concerned for the safety of her child, but the safety of her purse? Ah, now that's another matter!
Now, I happened to mention this incident elsewhere, and was immediately upbraided because the child could have a 'problem'. What? Brat syndrome? Well yes, actually, apparently just that. Something like ADHD.
Now correct me if I'm wrong here, but ADHD stands for 'attention deficit hyperactive disorder'. Which means a child with a short attention span who has a tendency to run around a lot. So basically, a naughty child.
Seriously? There is a medical classification for 'being a brat'. Well, surely doctors should be prescribing clips round the ear then! No, they prescribe drugs. For children.
And this new 'illness' leads to the assumption that brat children are problem children, and allowances should be made.
Now I'm going to stick my neck out here and suggest that maybe ADHD is a made up illness from america used by people with bad parenting skills as an excuse.
Maybe it's a real illness recently discovered which not a lot is yet known about. Only time and medical research will actually tell which. But I still doubt very much it applies to all naughty children. I would expect most naughty children are simply the product of bad parenting, and a very few are the result of ADHD.
I think I may have just hit on one of the biggest problems in the country today. There is a definite correlation between brat children and abused benefits or council housing. Surely this tells us something?
And do you know what I blame? Yep, the same thing my Grandmother would have blamed, Computer Games, Television and the Labour Government!
Bitching over, thank you for listening...
I had a screaming child. There is nothing in the world worse than the incessant, overwhelming ear piercing scream of a child. And it is perfectly impossible to talk over. Which, when your job is sales, and relies heavily on good sales pitches, is somewhat detrimental to business.
To top it all off, there was also a brat child. One of those ones that runs around the place picking up various items, irrelevant of value and either throwing or hitting them on the floor. I was sorely tempted to resort to the fire
extinguisher...
But this isn't my main gripe. My main gripe is some peoples attitudes towards children who behave this way. My personal attitude is that a good solid clip round the ear works miracles. Other attitudes include that the child may have 'problems'.
Now I acknowledge that problems like autism exist, and a mentally ill child is probably a total nightmare sometimes. Fine. Most autistic children I've met, either at work or otherwise, the mothers have quietly mentioned that is the case, and in a lot of cases I've generally found that a balloon seems to work wonders! But the screaming child in question, when I asked the mother if he was okay she told me he was hungry, and continued to ignore him!
Hungry?? Well feed the bloody thing then! Don't just ignore him and keep shopping! At the very least, take him outside until he's done screaming and stop pissing off an entire shop full of people! And don't ignore the other one too! She finally actually spoke to the second child when I informed her that she would need to pay for anything he damages. Money works wonders doesn't it? She didn't appear concerned for the safety of her child, but the safety of her purse? Ah, now that's another matter!
Now, I happened to mention this incident elsewhere, and was immediately upbraided because the child could have a 'problem'. What? Brat syndrome? Well yes, actually, apparently just that. Something like ADHD.
Now correct me if I'm wrong here, but ADHD stands for 'attention deficit hyperactive disorder'. Which means a child with a short attention span who has a tendency to run around a lot. So basically, a naughty child.
Seriously? There is a medical classification for 'being a brat'. Well, surely doctors should be prescribing clips round the ear then! No, they prescribe drugs. For children.
And this new 'illness' leads to the assumption that brat children are problem children, and allowances should be made.
Now I'm going to stick my neck out here and suggest that maybe ADHD is a made up illness from america used by people with bad parenting skills as an excuse.
Maybe it's a real illness recently discovered which not a lot is yet known about. Only time and medical research will actually tell which. But I still doubt very much it applies to all naughty children. I would expect most naughty children are simply the product of bad parenting, and a very few are the result of ADHD.
I think I may have just hit on one of the biggest problems in the country today. There is a definite correlation between brat children and abused benefits or council housing. Surely this tells us something?
And do you know what I blame? Yep, the same thing my Grandmother would have blamed, Computer Games, Television and the Labour Government!
Bitching over, thank you for listening...
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
The Theory of Relativity Or 'What goes faster? A Ninja or an R1?'
So... I've been doing the Theory of Relativity again. General Relativity I get. Space is flexible. Pretty straightforward. I even get E-mc2, 'Energy is equal to mass times the speed of light squared'. And I can explain that in the form of nuclear fusion. (Whack a couple of particles together, that equation will tell you how much energy they'll release)
But Special Relativity?? What was Albert going on about??
Okay, so this is the one to do with speed and time. So, take a Ninja and an R1. The Ninja is travelling at 50mph, the R1 is doing 100mph. To the Ninja rider the R1 only appears to be doing 50mph, but when the Ninja stops at the lights and the R1 doesn't, the R1 now appears to be doing 100mph to the Ninja rider. Perception of speed is relative to your own speed. Get that bit, it's not too complicated.
But if the R1 is now doing the speed of light, and the Ninja is still at the lights, when the R1 stops in ten minutes time, the two clocks will no longer match. The Ninja will say ten past one, but the R1 will say 5 past one. Or something like that.
Huh??
My conclusion: Fit you bike with Nitrous and you'll never be late for anything ever again. Well not by your watch anyway. Maybe by everyone else's!
Disclaimer: Figures here are wildly inaccurate. This is due to attempting to explain one of the most complicated bits of Physics using a silly example with motorcycles. Please don't take it too seriously.
But Special Relativity?? What was Albert going on about??
Okay, so this is the one to do with speed and time. So, take a Ninja and an R1. The Ninja is travelling at 50mph, the R1 is doing 100mph. To the Ninja rider the R1 only appears to be doing 50mph, but when the Ninja stops at the lights and the R1 doesn't, the R1 now appears to be doing 100mph to the Ninja rider. Perception of speed is relative to your own speed. Get that bit, it's not too complicated.
But if the R1 is now doing the speed of light, and the Ninja is still at the lights, when the R1 stops in ten minutes time, the two clocks will no longer match. The Ninja will say ten past one, but the R1 will say 5 past one. Or something like that.
Huh??
My conclusion: Fit you bike with Nitrous and you'll never be late for anything ever again. Well not by your watch anyway. Maybe by everyone else's!
Disclaimer: Figures here are wildly inaccurate. This is due to attempting to explain one of the most complicated bits of Physics using a silly example with motorcycles. Please don't take it too seriously.
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
Things I'd like to do to Motorcycle Theives
Because obviously the current laws aren't tough enough, as I'm sure any biker would agree. So I'd like to propose a few suggestions of my own;
1. Lock them up in their white van permanently instead of prison. Maybe occasionally posting crusts of bread through the window. Throw away the keys.
2. Make them wear a collar with a "bell". Like you do for a cat to stop it catching birds, but instead of a bell fit it with a little device that plays a message every time they move. Ooh I don't know, something along the lines of; "I am a thieving bastard who steals motorcycles!! Please keep an eye on your bike if I am anywhere near you!"
3. Bring in a type of stoning. Done by the bikers from whom they've stolen bikes, and instead of stones, use all the cut off disk locks/padlocks/chains/broken garage doors etc. that those bikers have been left with.
4. Hang, Draw and Quarter them. I would advise the government to consider hanging them using one of the bike chains they've cut through. Draw them behind their (probably stolen) white van. And finally Quarter them using four of the bikes they've stolen. Preferably ridden by their rightful owners!!
And my personal favourite...
5. Burn them. Just burn them like the heretics they are! Preferably at a Bike Rally.
Bitter? Me? Nah! Of course not...
1. Lock them up in their white van permanently instead of prison. Maybe occasionally posting crusts of bread through the window. Throw away the keys.
2. Make them wear a collar with a "bell". Like you do for a cat to stop it catching birds, but instead of a bell fit it with a little device that plays a message every time they move. Ooh I don't know, something along the lines of; "I am a thieving bastard who steals motorcycles!! Please keep an eye on your bike if I am anywhere near you!"
3. Bring in a type of stoning. Done by the bikers from whom they've stolen bikes, and instead of stones, use all the cut off disk locks/padlocks/chains/broken garage doors etc. that those bikers have been left with.
4. Hang, Draw and Quarter them. I would advise the government to consider hanging them using one of the bike chains they've cut through. Draw them behind their (probably stolen) white van. And finally Quarter them using four of the bikes they've stolen. Preferably ridden by their rightful owners!!
And my personal favourite...
5. Burn them. Just burn them like the heretics they are! Preferably at a Bike Rally.
Bitter? Me? Nah! Of course not...
What happened to the Ninja
Yep, she's been stolen.
Because apparently some people are twats and practically ruining other people's lives is all in a nights work for them!!
The complete tossers in question helped themselves to her overnight on a sunday. Probably a white van and two tossers to lift her in. At least that's what happened to a friend up the road who lost an 08 Ninja two days later, because they caught it on video!! So could well have been the same tossers, seems a bit of a coincidence.
Video? Brilliant, you say, hand the CCTV over to the old bill and bob's your uncle!
Not so, hand the CCTV over to the old bill, and they tell you they "don't have the resources to check it". Don't have the resources?? To check a bit of film and run a number plate check?? Which could possibly take TEN WHOLE MINUTES??? You have got to be kidding me!
Anyway, the result of this palaver is that my insurance company will probably bitch and moan for a bit, hopefully give me at least half what my Ninja was worth and I'll eventually end up with another 09 Ninja insured at a ridiculous price. Maybe by next year, if I'm lucky.
In the meantime, I have been contenting myself with shopping for new security systems. Retail Therapy and all that. And it's making me feel a little bit better.
My wish list so far goes something like this...
1. Garage alarm that goes off in the garage, on the garage and in the house.
2. Awesome hidden cctv system you can check from your phone!
3. Security lights. About 50 of them.
4. Guard dogs.
5. Really big chain. Really big. We're talking big enough to tow an aircraft with!!
6. Super duper bolt cutter proof padlocks. About 20 of them!
7. One of those anti car jackingy thingys they have in South Africa. You know, the thing that shoots flames at you if you touch the vehicle.
8. Big burly 24 hour security guards.
9. The bestest tracker money can buy.
10. And a winning lottery ticket to fund all of the above!
Because apparently some people are twats and practically ruining other people's lives is all in a nights work for them!!
The complete tossers in question helped themselves to her overnight on a sunday. Probably a white van and two tossers to lift her in. At least that's what happened to a friend up the road who lost an 08 Ninja two days later, because they caught it on video!! So could well have been the same tossers, seems a bit of a coincidence.
Video? Brilliant, you say, hand the CCTV over to the old bill and bob's your uncle!
Not so, hand the CCTV over to the old bill, and they tell you they "don't have the resources to check it". Don't have the resources?? To check a bit of film and run a number plate check?? Which could possibly take TEN WHOLE MINUTES??? You have got to be kidding me!
Anyway, the result of this palaver is that my insurance company will probably bitch and moan for a bit, hopefully give me at least half what my Ninja was worth and I'll eventually end up with another 09 Ninja insured at a ridiculous price. Maybe by next year, if I'm lucky.
In the meantime, I have been contenting myself with shopping for new security systems. Retail Therapy and all that. And it's making me feel a little bit better.
My wish list so far goes something like this...
1. Garage alarm that goes off in the garage, on the garage and in the house.
2. Awesome hidden cctv system you can check from your phone!
3. Security lights. About 50 of them.
4. Guard dogs.
5. Really big chain. Really big. We're talking big enough to tow an aircraft with!!
6. Super duper bolt cutter proof padlocks. About 20 of them!
7. One of those anti car jackingy thingys they have in South Africa. You know, the thing that shoots flames at you if you touch the vehicle.
8. Big burly 24 hour security guards.
9. The bestest tracker money can buy.
10. And a winning lottery ticket to fund all of the above!
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