Useful Motorcycling Tips They Don't Tell You When You Pass Your Test

Thought I would share a couple of do's and don't's that I have learnt the hard way...

Do not waste your money on a bike cover. When it is off the bike and in your hallway, your cats will pee on it. When it is on your bike, it will get blown off and you will lose it anyway. Even if you do up that useless little clip underneath.

Do not attempt to ride your motorcycle in stilettos. I tried this once. Resulted in the right hand footpeg getting stuck between the heel and sole of the shoe. That's the brake side. It was nearly very, very unpleasant...

Front facing speed cameras can't catch bikers. Fact. But if you take the piss they're liable to get you on the colour of your leathers.

Don't tie balloons to the back of your bike if you want to take them home. I lost my Rossi shaped birthday balloon this way. He stayed attached for all of a 1/4 of a mile!

Sidis are not waterproof if you're short and you ride a sportstbike. The toes get very scuffed from trying to reach the ground, and then the scuffed bits let in water. The heels however, remain dry!

Always, always, always zip up your pockets!! I have lost more packets of cigarettes and telephones this way than I care to remember. I once dropped my zippo thanks to an unzipped pocket. The zippo was an 18th birthday present so this resulted in a dangerous traffic stopping manoeuvre on a high street to retrieve it before it got run over.

Don't ride in new rock boots. At least not the ones with a printed pattern on the toes. The right one will be fine, the left one however, will be spoilt by the gearchange. This also applies to other forms of footwear, like new white trainers, work shoes etc.

Do not attempt to ride your bike in a minidress. Even if you're not going far and it is sunny. It will most definitely result in sadistic friends kneeling down in the middle of the road as you arrive with cameras. And this will result in photographs which they can blackmail you with. Also, getting on and off a sportsbike in a minidress is an art form which is very, very difficult to perfect, and again may result in photographs and blackmail!!

Do not take a drunk pillion. Even if it is their 18th birthday. Even if they have promised you faithfully that they're not that drunk and they will sit still and keep quiet. Even if you are only going round the corner to pick up the CD they forgot to bring to the pub because it's their 18th birthday and they're quite drunk... It will result in your bike on it's side and them giggling hopelessly because they can't get on!!

And one final, very important tip;

Always keep an Emergency Breakdown Kit under your seat. This consists of a rolled up magazine, (I recommend Rider's Digest for it's compact size!) a chocolate bar and an RAC card. I'm sure you can see the logic in this one!!